May 5....or as it is known in Mexico

If the Mayans had been right

Here at Backwards Jeff (BJ), we (I) try to be timely with our (my) news coverage. Many (none) of you have been asking me to weigh in on the hype surrounding the December 2012 Mayan Apocalypse.

Backwards Jeff is a blog of the people, by the people, and for the people; therefore, I consider it my civic duty to share my thoughts and feelings regarding this pressing matter. It has been just over two years since the world was supposed to end, so I figure I am right on schedule.

I do take a "Switzerland" stance in this case, though, and wish to remain neutral. In the interest of providing a fair and balanced voice, I considered it to be wise to present all sides of the issue. Below I outlined some of the positives and negatives to a Mayan Apocalypse. Please feel free to share your own.

POSITIVES (if the world had ended)

• Say goodbye to MySpace (wait...that already happened without an apocalypse)
• Shorter lines for the bread and milk
• Joe Flacco's contract would be null and void
• There would be no more episodes of The Walking Dead/The Bachelor/Dancing with the Stars/Housewives of....whatever, etc. etc. etc.
• Honey Boo Boo would have ended about two years before it really ended
• FaceBook weather updates would cease to exist
• People complaining about FaceBook weather updates would cease to exist
• All of the Doomsday Preppers could finally say "told you so" like they've always wanted --- assuming their methods worked and they did not turn to sand 
•  Ebola wouldn't have been such a big news story because everyone would be dead
• The term "Polar Vortex" would never have made it into the American vernacular
• Kanye West would have only interrupted ONE awards show by acting like he owns the world
• For "true" fans of the series, instead of being a TV show, The Walking Dead would be a REALITY!!!!
• Snap Chat with duck lips (really duck lips and snap chatting all together)....GONE!
• #HashTagsAreDead
• Debates over the following things cease to exist:
• White or Wheat
• Crushed or cubed
• NASCAR being a "sport"
• Wrestling being real
• "Beauty" Pageants 
• Baywatch: A valid form of entertainment???
• Photo retouching
• Politics
• The death penalty 
• Andy Dalton
• Music 
• School uniforms
• Legalized pot
• 50 Shades of Grey (Still NOT a fan)
• Bud Light vs. Miller Lite
• The best way to spell Light/Lite
• Coke vs. Pepsi
• Skyline vs. Goldstar
• The level of BJ's awesomeness (it rages on)
• People would finally believe that I am NOT going to answer my phone and they should text or email  or FB me
• I would not have gotten dumped on by a snow plow driver last night (snow plow drivers are now BJ enemy #1)

NEGATIVES (world = not ended)

• More opportunities for snow plow drivers to make my life a living hell
• This just means more predictions for the end of time and/or media panic. Remember Y2K, Nostradamus, swine flu, avian flu, West Nile Virus, snowmaggedon, and the like?
• Wal-Mart is still in business
• Terms such as "hella" "ridic" and "selfie" are still a thing
• People still call Backwards Jeff despite insistance that he will usually not answer his phone
• Dudes with ridiculously long beards and flannels still walk the streets (I'm really just jealous since I can't pull off this look without being mistaken for a grunge garden gnome {3G})
• #HashTagsNotDead
• The phrase "there's an app for that" is ongoing
• Wal-Mart is still in business (intentionally on here twice to emphasize my dislike)
•  The Kardashians would, like, have survived either way because they are the, like, cockroaches of the human race....this is a lose lose
• While on the subject, the Kardashian family is not only making more TV programs, now they are starting to reproduce
• There is still a chance that Robots, or even Flobots, will take over the world

NEUTRAL (you know.....since nothing happened)

• Backwards Jeff can still refer to himself in the third person
• What is this Mayan Apocalypse you speak of? 
• Taylor Swift has a blank space to write my name (neutral because, while she is not terrible to look at, she is apparently also not the ideal mate AND an enemy of Kanye)
• There is still banana nut bread for BJ to eat (which is awesome, right?)
• More time to grow a handle bar mustache
• It remains possible to Youtube No Handlebars by Flobots
• Flintstone vitamins continue to be available for retail purchase
• #HashTagsAreNeutral
• Backwards Jeff is STILL available for you to read at work when you really should be working (unless you think I suck, in which case, this could be moved to the Negative category)

In summation: Mayans wrong, world not ended, FB weather updates are annoying (as are those who complain about them), Kardashians continue to make crappy TV, Honey Boo Boo NOT making TV any longer, and media sensationalism LIVES ON!!!

Backwards Jeff summation: BJ likes banana nut bread and Flintstone vitamins, HATES snow plow drivers, Wal-Mart & the Kardashians, CAN NOT grow a long beard, CAN ride a bike with no handlebars...no handlebars, won't answer the phone, is smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy, and Taylor Swift wants him.

Until next time, check out this #HellaRidicSelfie:

#DUCKLIPS!!!

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/22/2015 (originally started on 03/06/2013)
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
#BackwardsJeff
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

The Cruise Ship Bull

The Cruise Ship Bull

by: J.C. Gardiner (aka Backwards Jeff)
.....that's ME!!!!
(Intended for a target audience of 3-7 year olds)

Esteban the Bull was very popular in his small Spanish town.  He was strong, friendly and, perhaps most importantly, he had great hair.

Esteban had been prom king, Student Council President, and captain of his soccer team. After High School, he was even considered a strong candidate for Mayor, but he felt like something was missing from his life.

He would sit on the beach for hours wondering what the rest of the world had to offer. There had to be much more to see and do, he thought.

Esteban was surfing the internet, one sunny afternoon, after surfing some gnarly waves, when he received an interesting email message from an old friend.

Dear Esteban:

It has been so long since we last spoke. How have you been? I hope things are going well!

Things have gotten really exciting in my life. I have a new job with Goody Cruise Lines. I love meeting new people and I get to travel all over the world.

Check out my photos on BookSpace.

TTYL,

Abigail

P.S. You should consider coming to work with me. I know that you would LOVE it here!

Abigail met Esteban several years ago when she visited Europe with her High School Spanish class. She was from some place called “Massachusetts”. Esteban could barely say Massachusetts, let alone, spell it. He felt better, though, when Abigail smiled and told him she still had trouble spelling it too.

Abigail was funny and smart. Esteban enjoyed spending time with her and they became instant friends. When Abigail left for home, they exchanged email addresses and became pen pals.

Esteban didn’t even think twice. He applied online immediately. Before he knew it, he was off to Los Estados Unidos to begin a new career aboard the S.S. Providence.

Upon his arrival, he was greeted by Captain Miller, who was in charge of the ship. Esteban was not sure what to do, so he saluted the Captain. After a hearty chuckle, Captain Miller invited Esteban aboard for a tour and introduced him to the rest of the staff.

He was nervous, but excited.  The ship was even enormous, even bigger than he dreamed.  Plus he was a bull, mind you, so swimming was not his best activity.

Esteban’s first job was as a baggage handler. It came as no surprise to anyone who knew him that he became an instant success.

His co-workers loved him because he could carry ten bags at a time on his horns. This made the work go faster and with less back pain for everyone else.

He was also popular with passengers. Since bags got to their rooms faster, passengers could get to the pool sooner.

Esteban quickly became an expert towel folder. He was known across the ship for his towel animals. He did the standards well, such as; monkey hanging from the ceiling, the walrus, of course, but his signature was “el toro,” the bull. It took 3 towels and a little extra time, but it was a huge hit with families.

One afternoon, Esteban was making his usual rounds. He folded towels, gave piggy-back rides and posed for photos. All was going well until Captain Miller asked to speak to him alone.

“Esteban, you have been a very valuable addition to our staff”, the Captain said.

“Gracias, Captain Miller,” said Esteban. “I LOVE my job and I love my passengers!!”

“Esteban, it saddens me to tell you that one of our passengers has made a complaint;” the captain continued. “The Putnam family, in cabin 1692, says their children are afraid of you, and claim that you snorted at their youngest child”.

“Dios Mio;” Esteban exclaimed! “I would never harm the little ones. They bring so much joy to my day!”

“I believe you, Esteban;” said the Captain. Until I can investigate further, however, I am forced to move you to kitchen duty.”

Esteban was unhappy, but accepted his new role. Being a bull of pride, he made the best of his situation. Esteban, of course, was very popular with the kitchen crew.

Once his duties were complete, he’d often help his new friends by doing dishes, or by peeling potatoes. He hated cutting onions - they made him cry. And, although he was a vegetarian, he was certain that he could not stand the sight of ONE MORE CEASER SALAD!!

Worst of all, though, was that he was forced to wear a hair net!

His hair had grown quite long over the past year. When he was off duty, many passengers would gather around him and ask to have their picture taken with him and his unbelievably long hair. Sometimes it would take multiple pictures just to get in all of his hair.

Abigail would say; “Don’t hang your horns, Esteban. It will all work out in the end”. He knew she was right, but at times it was very hard to believe.

One evening, Abigail and Esteban were enjoying a break together. They sipped strawberry lemonade and watched the sun set.  Esteban had his hooves up on the railing as he enjoyed the nice breeze off of the ocean.

“HELP!”

Esteban asked Abigail if she heard something.

“HELP!! HELP!!” 

There it was again. Only this time it was louder. No one was around to hear as many passengers were eating dinner. Esteban leapt to his feet and looked over the side of the ship.

“Dios mio!!”

He could not believe his eyes. Someone was in the water! It was little Sarah Putnam! The youngest Putnam child!!

Esteban asked Abigail to go find Nurse Rebecca, then he sprung into action. Without hesitation, he backed up several feet, pawed at the ground with his hooves and charged the railing to go into the water to save Sarah.

As he neared the edge, he remembered that he was not the strongest swimmer. He came to a screeching halt just before the railing.

For a moment he was unsure what to do. Then a light bulb went off.

Of course….. THE HAIR!!! He ripped off his hair net and whipped his hair back and forth until it hung over the side of the ship. Then he leaned over the edge and yelled; “Amiga…..wrap my beautiful, silky smooth hair around your waist! I will pull you back on board!” Sarah did as she was told while Esteban slowly walked backwards, pulling with all of his might.

Abigail and Nurse Rebecca arrived just in time to help pull Sarah Putnam safely back onto the deck of the ship.

The Putnam family, were relieved and knew they must apologize for wrongfully accusing Esteban of snorting, so they took out a full page ad in “the Cruise Ship Bulletin” hailing Esteban as a hero. Captain Miller, having learned of the events of the day, reinstated Esteban’s old job…… effective immediately!!

Esteban sang that night with the Reggae band – he was a terrible singer, but nobody wanted to steal his thunder. There was talk of renaming the ship the S.S. Esteban. That idea quickly was disregarded as everyone realized how silly it sounded.

For the remainder of the cruise, Esteban would not let the Putnam children out of his sight. He even stood guard in the hall outside of their rooms (at their father’s request).

As the cruise came to an end and the passengers began to leave, Esteban shared a quiet moment with the Putnam family and extended an open invitation for them to cruise with Goody Cruise Line whenever they wanted to, with Captain Miller’s blessing.

After carrying the Putnam’s luggage to their eco-friendly, moderately priced, SUV, he taught the children how to say “bon voyage”, which is a French phrase meaning, “have a safe journey.” He told the family he would send them friend requests on BookSpace, then he boarded the ship to sail again.

As the S.S. Providence pulled away from the shore for another action packed adventure, Esteban made his way to the back of the boat.  In the distance, he could see, through his shiny, windblown locks, the Putnam family holding a sign that read; “bon voyage, amigo.”

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 01/04/20115
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)