Backwards Jeff is a blog of the people, by the people, and for the people; therefore, I consider it my civic duty to share my thoughts and feelings regarding this pressing matter. It has been just over two years since the world was supposed to end, so I figure I am right on schedule.
I do take a "Switzerland" stance in this case, though, and wish to remain neutral. In the interest of providing a fair and balanced voice, I considered it to be wise to present all sides of the issue. Below I outlined some of the positives and negatives to a Mayan Apocalypse. Please feel free to share your own.
POSITIVES (if the world had ended)
- Say goodbye to MySpace (wait...that already happened without an apocalypse)
- Shorter lines for the bread and milk
- Joe Flacco's contract would be null and void
- There would be no more episodes of The Walking Dead/The Bachelor/Dancing with the Stars/Housewives of....whatever, etc. etc. etc.
- Honey Boo Boo would have ended about two years before it really ended
- FaceBook weather updates would cease to exist
- People complaining about FaceBook weather updates would cease to exist
- All of the Doomsday Preppers could finally say "told you so" like they've always wanted --- assuming their methods worked and they did not turn to sand
- Ebola wouldn't have been such a big news story because everyone would be dead
- The term "Polar Vortex" would never have made it into the American vernacular
- Kanye West would have only interrupted ONE awards show by acting like he owns the world
- For "true" fans of the series, instead of being a TV show, The Walking Dead would be a REALITY!!!!
- Snap Chat with duck lips (really duck lips and snap chatting all together)....GONE!
- #HashTagsAreDead
- Debates over the following things cease to exist:
- White or Wheat
- Crushed or cubed
- NASCAR being a "sport"
- Wrestling being real
- "Beauty" Pageants
- Baywatch: A valid form of entertainment???
- Photo retouching
- Politics
- The death penalty
- Andy Dalton
- Music
- School uniforms
- Legalized pot
- 50 Shades of Grey (Still NOT a fan)
- Bud Light vs. Miller Lite
- The best way to spell Light/Lite
- Coke vs. Pepsi
- Skyline vs. Goldstar
- The level of BJ's awesomeness (it rages on)
- People would finally believe that I am NOT going to answer my phone and they should text or email or FB me
- I would not have gotten dumped on by a snow plow driver last night (snow plow drivers are now BJ enemy #1)
NEGATIVES (world = not ended)
- More opportunities for snow plow drivers to make my life a living hell
- This just means more predictions for the end of time and/or media panic. Remember Y2K, Nostradamus, swine flu, avian flu, West Nile Virus, snowmaggedon, and the like?
- Wal-Mart is still in business
- Terms such as "hella" "ridic" and "selfie" are still a thing
- People still call Backwards Jeff despite insistance that he will usually not answer his phone
- Dudes with ridiculously long beards and flannels still walk the streets (I'm really just jealous since I can't pull off this look without being mistaken for a grunge garden gnome {3G})
- #HashTagsNotDead
- The phrase "there's an app for that" is ongoing
- Wal-Mart is still in business (intentionally on here twice to emphasize my dislike)
- The Kardashians would, like, have survived either way because they are the, like, cockroaches of the human race....this is a lose lose
- While on the subject, the Kardashian family is not only making more TV programs, now they are starting to reproduce
- There is still a chance that Robots, or even Flobots, will take over the world
NEUTRAL (you know.....since nothing happened)
- Backwards Jeff can still refer to himself in the third person
- What is this Mayan Apocalypse you speak of?
- Taylor Swift has a blank space to write my name (neutral because, while she is not terrible to look at, she is apparently also not the ideal mate AND an enemy of Kanye)
- There is still banana nut bread for BJ to eat (which is awesome, right?)
- More time to grow a handle bar mustache
- It remains possible to Youtube No Handlebars by Flobots
- Flintstone vitamins continue to be available for retail purchase
- #HashTagsAreNeutral
- Backwards Jeff is STILL available for you to read at work when you really should be working (unless you think I suck, in which case, this could be moved to the Negative category)
Backwards Jeff summation: BJ likes banana nut bread and Flintstone vitamins, HATES snow plow drivers, Wal-Mart & the Kardashians, CAN NOT grow a long beard, CAN ride a bike with no handlebars...no handlebars, won't answer the phone, is smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy, and Taylor Swift wants him.
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| #DUCKLIPS!!! |
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/22/2015 (originally started on 03/06/2013)
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