Renaming Kaptain Robbie Knievel

When I was but a wee little lad, one of my favorite toys was the Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle....complete with cheap plastic ramps!!  Actually, I think Evel was my brother's and mine was the Black Marauder (seen here in action circa 1981)........BUT I digress.  The point is that I loved that wind up motorcycle toy.  

Truth be told I've always been a fan of motorcycles jumping over stuff.  I love motocross/supercross/arenacross and I'm a huge fan of Travis Pastrana. In the interest of full disclosure though, I've been known to get excited about The Fonz jumping barrels back in the day (not his shark jump though) and, sadly, even Grease 2.  Evel's jumps, however, were legendary and by far the greatest ever attempted.

Eventually came Evel's son, Robert Edward Knievel - who btw turns 50 this year - the third of four children according to Wikipedia (therefore it must be true).  Robert Edward at some point had an epiphany and decided it would be wise to follow in his father's footsteps by becoming a world renowned stunt man.  Kaptain Robbie Knievel was born.  

Just like his famous father he wore a patriotic jump suit.  Unlike his dad, the moniker, in my opinion, just didn't COMMAND the attention that a name like "EVEL" did.  Hell it doesn't even rhyme!!

As a public service, I have taken it upon myself to suggest alternate nicknames, in the event that Kaptain Robbie ever makes a comeback.  The following is a list of names that, I feel, may be a better fit....and could possibly, in some cases, even provide endorsement opportunities (preceded by  a brief explanation).

You're welcome America!

• The grammatically correct version of his dad's name =  Evil (with an "I") Knievel
• He leaves the arena with a pleasant scent of dried flowers and spices = Potpourrivel Knievel
• Replace the Patriotic jump suit with chain mail and/or a suit of armor = Medieval Knievel
• Install a side car and perform all stunts accompanied by man's best friend = Golden Retrieval Kneivel
• A cautionary food label is placed on his back = Gluten Freevel Knievel
• Never makes a jump wearing a tank top or muscle shirt = Long Sleevel Knievel
• He changes his shoes and sweater like Mr. Rogers before jumping = Make Believel Knievel
• Perform a jump over a fountain full of spewing margarine = I Can't Believel it's Not Knievel
• Dress as a giant insect and land in a field of cotton plants = Boll Weevil Knievel
• Jump over people doing things that gets on his nerves = Pet Peevel Knievel 
• He'll analyse your dreams prior to each jump = Ph.D.vel Knievel 
• "I need TP for my Bung Hole!!" = Beval and Butthead Knievel
• All interviews given with a British accent = Join Me for a Cup of Teavel? Knievel
• Only jumps once a year over a large glass ball in Time's Square = Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Evel Knievel
• Performances far exceed that of the "standard" stunt man's = Over Achievel Knievel
• He dresses as Sir Walter Scott (NOT Shakespeare) = Oh What a Tangled Web We Weavel Knievel
• "Awwww shucks Wally" = Leave it to Beavel Knievel 
• Believes he knows all about you before meeting you based on what he's heard = Preconceivel Knievel 
• Fairly self explanatory = Christmas Treevel Knievel
• He takes over for you on the night shift = Relievel Knievel
• You hire him as your "yes man" - I Completely Agreeval Knievel
• After his jumps he keeps "buzzing" around your open can of Coke = Bumblebeevel Knievel
• Truly believes that you have a bridge you want to sell him = Naivel Knievel
• "The previous jump is under review" = Refereevel Knievel
• He knows where he stands in the social order = Bourgeoisievel Knievel
• He'll bust some rhymes AND a cap in yo' ass = O.G.vel Knievel
• You think he's sooooooo cute until he flings his own poo at you = Chimpanzeevel Knievel
• For all my homeys at the airport = Foreign Object Debrisvel Knievel (FOD)
• Click on the video link at the end and you'll understand = I'm Turning Japanevel Knievel The Vapors Music Video
• Exchanges motorcycle for a Subaru Outback = Crocodile Dundeevel Knievel
• He breaks up with you after each stunt = It's Not You it's Mevel Knievel

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 1/22/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner) 

Name Change Haiku

I changed my blog name.
Backwards.....like the way I think.
Don't lie....you are PUMPED!

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 1/20/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

Haipoo (1/19)

Could not sleep last night!!
Stupid song stuck in my head.
CURSE YOU Pop Evil!!!

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 1/19/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

People I would Like to see ride a segway off of a bridge

Late last year my team at work was enjoying appetizers and beverages at a local night spot, Jefferson Hall.  As we sat around shooting the breeze (not to be confused with shooting Drew Brees....who, I respect as a man and qb and would never harm, but I digress) a guided Segway tour from Downtown Cincinnati came zipping (actually it was more of a steady controlled pace) by.  I began to think to myself "who would enjoy seeing ride one of those off a bridge?"  So of course I posted about it in a FB note.
NOTE:  This is purely in jest....in reality I DO NOT ever truly wish harm or death to anyone, including those who annoy me.  Here you go:

This is fairly self explanatory:
(Note: this is not a threat of physical violence against anyone....just for my own amusement and to lessen my daily annoyance)

-Dr. Phil
-Justin Bieber
-Anyone who threatens to sing Reba songs to me
-Lady Gaga
-Mick Jagger
-That one New York Senator who texted pictures of his junk....and was named "Wiener"
-MAGGIE LEHMAN IS NO LONGER ON THIS LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Suze Orman
-The Teletubbies
-Pretty much anyone coming out of a Wal-Mart
-Lindsay Lohan
-That one guy from the window commercials and his daughter....where they go "We'll save you A LOooooOOOOt of money"
-Dr. Phil (yeah I'd like to see him do it twice)
-Tom Cruise
-People who use double negatives or say repetitively in a sentence "know what I'm sayin'" an/or "for the simple fact"
-The Dave Matthews Band
-Excessive users of "LOL"
-Kim Jong Il
-Bernie Madoff
-"The Man" that is trying to hold me down
-Certain people who wouldn't let me use their park for a volleyball festival
-Whoever left the laptop on the floor
-MIKE BROWN!!!!!!!!

Feel free to make your own list or add to mine!!!!!

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 1/18/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

Spitz vs. Phelps

Last February 20th I posed a question on Facebook.  With the Summer Olympics approaching I thought it was as good a time as any to rehash.   What I wanted to know followed by my take on the answer.

Poll Question of the Day: Who wins a swim race between Michael Phelps and Mark Spitz (assuming both are in their prime)????

My answer would be Spitz. All swim talents being equal here are my thoughts on why. Basically it all comes down to hair. Spitz swam in a different era. An era when a man's hair, and his cop mustache, were as important as speed in the water. An era where Justin Bieber's hair was in style 20 years before Justin Beiber was born. When male and female swimmers (especially the German's) were just beginning to shave their armpits, chests, and legs. Spitz didn't cover up his Dukes of Hazard locks with a rubber shower cap OR wear "swim pants." Asked why he swam with a mustache, Spitz replied; "I grew the mustache because a coach in college said I couldn't grow one."
Mark Spitz learned to swim in the waters off of Waikiki Beach in Honolulu (where he would frequently out swim tiger sharks, then turn back and punch them in the face) not some "aquatic club" in Towson Maryland.
Spitz would party until 4 a.m. then show up at the pool, take off his shirt (which the ladies LOVED), pick his nose and wipe the booger on the back of the French swimmer in the next lane. Then he would win his medals wearing bell bottom jeans, a white belt and cowboy boots, in world record time.
Mark Spitz would then sing the National Anthem. Using ALL of the correct words....unlike Christina Aguilera.
Mark Spitz won SEVEN medals....SEVEN....a perfect number. Not eight.....eight is just overkill.
Mark Spitz is so awesome that he even married a person with the last name Weiner and laughed in the faces of those who might make fun of it.
Spitz earned $7 million in the 2 year period following the 1972 Olympics in Munich. That would be worth roughly $70 million today.
In 2008 Spitz was voted as one of the top 5 Olympic athletes of all time.
Mark Spitz is essentially the Chuck Norris of the water!!!!
Boo Yah!!!

  

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 1/18/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

Haiku Corner (see link to the right)

I plan to post at LEAST one Haiku every week....if not more.  They will be silly mostly, but follow the standard 5-7-5 syllable rule.  Here is the first one (you're welcome America):

Look mom I'm blogging!!
She will be so proud of me
and my NEW poop blog!!

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 1/18/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner) 

Renaming 5 Guys

So I seem to have this obsession with taking people and things that I think could be funnier and renaming them.  This particular post goes back to a FB thread from 2009.  After eating at 5 Guys Burgers and Fries (which is delicious btw) I decided to consider how I would rename the place if ever I were to buy them out.  Here are the results....with credit to other contributors.  Feel free to leave any comments with your own suggestions.  Enjoy!!

"5 Guys Burgers and Fries = YUMMY....best burger I have had in a while and not all that bad of a price. Following are some proposed name changes for the franchise should I ever execute a hostile takeover (complete with explanations)"

• We leave the "open" sign on, but the restaurant has the appearance of nobody being home. = "5 Guys Burgers......SURPRISE"
•  In order to cut costs for my shareholders I trima few employess and make the remaining ones work harder "3 Guys Burgers and Fries"
•  Everyone dresses like Orville Redenbacher = " 5 Guys Burgers Bow Ties"
•  Hire a guy that weighed 400 lbs and is now skinny....sell 12 inch product for $5 = "Subway"
•  Every day I wear a new costume to work (this is my favorite one so far) = "Jeff in Disguise Burgers and Fries"
•  The setting is a deserted island. All the employees are British schoolboys trying to govern themselves. = "Lord of the Flies Burgers and Fries"
•  ‎40 something women dressed in little black dresses hit on you as you walk in. = "5 Guys Cougars and Fries"
•  I'm Tall, I'm Skinny, I'm Rich, I LOVE John and Kate Plus 8 , and I hate the NFL = "5 Lies Burgers and Fries"
•  A nice hot meal PLUS conjunctivitis = "Pink Eye Burgers and Fries"
•  Staff dresses and talks like Peter Griffin = "Family Guy Burgers and Fries"
•  Buy a burger OR we ruin the ending to the Sixth Sense for you. "Bruce Willis Dies Burgers and Fries"
•  More literal version = "Half of Ten Male Human Beings Compressed Grilled Sirloin Patties In Conjunction With Thinly Sliced Idaho Potatoes Deep Fried in Peanut Oil"
• All new restaurants are opened INSIDE existing Staples stores = "Office Supplies Burgers and Fries"
• Inquisitive shoe salesmen serve your food = "What's Your SIze? Burgers and Fries"
• Excited Matt Thompson (You'll have to know him to get this) greets you at the entrance = "GUYS GUYS GUYS Burgers and Fries"
• Work out video distributed with each value meal = "Buns and Thighs Burgers and Fries"
• Historic WWI document wallpaper on all walls = "Treaty of Versailles Burgers and Fries"
• Bad toilet paper in all restroom stalls = "Single Ply Burgers and Fries"
• How about a place where you can work out after eating their food: Jazzercize BUrgers and Fries. (Rob Gardiner)
• Or a place that only sells patriotic sandwiches celebrating the country's birthday: 4th of July's Burgers and Fries. (Rob Gardiner)
• The place is run by the kids that were always picked on in grade school by the bullies: Four-Eyes Burgers and Fries (Rob Gardiner)
• How about a joint where the waitresses are nude women in their 80's or 90's; Owww My Eyes Burgers and Fries.(Dan Pelstring)
• What if Heywood owned a franchise? "Lookin' at the world through flies eyes burgers and fries" (Ryan Grimes)
• A restaurant owned by Sammy Davis Jr, Sandy Duncan, and Stuart Scott, "Glass Eyes Burgers and Fries" (Brett Herald)
• What if Moe and Larry owned it? Would it then be "Wise Guys Burgers and Fries"? (Ryan Grimes)
• What if a couple of McDonald's characters took over? It could then be "Fry Guy's Hamburgelers and Fries". (Ryan Grimes)
• One classic song on repeat, bu thte name of the place changes with the lyrics. = "Gold Old Boys Drinking Whiskey and Rye Burgers and Fries" OR "Drove my Chevy to the Levee but the Levee Was Dry Burgers and Fries" OR "This'll be the Day that I Die Burgers and Fries" etc etc etc
• Bob Marley version of the same as above. "No Woman No Cry Burgers and Fries"
•  Everyone dresses as Star Trek characters (and nobody brings a date) = "Sci-Fi Burgers and Fries"
•  All the employees like to get it on with men and women "We're all bi- burgers and fries" (Ryan Grimes)
• Patrons get to try to kick an oblong ball through yellow posts (except Shane Graham's would get BLOCKED) = "Point After Try Burgers and Fries"
• Wizard of Oz Characters wait on you = "Lions and Tigers and Bears OH MY Burgers and Fries"
• T.O. waits on you during an interview - "He cries over burgers and fries" (Ryan Grimes)
• To place your order you must take the witness stand and swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God = "Testify Burgers and Fries"
• All the waiters are olympic springboarders - "Dive guys burgers and fries" (Ryan Grimes)
• The staff has an allergic reaction - "Guys with hives burgers and fries" (Ryan Grimes)
• Sean Penn, Judge Reinhold and a topless Phoebe Cates comprise the staff = "Fast Times at Ridgemont High Burgers and Fries"
• Nosey neighbors ask too many questions about your food selection, but pretend like they are just making conversation rather than trying to get all up in your business = "I Don't Mean to Pry Burgers and Fries"
• The Bengals play the Eagles there every day - "It ends in a tie burgers and fries" (Ryan Grimes)
• Everyone is stoned and wearing very colorful self designed shirts = "Tie Die Burgers and Fries"
• Somehow a certain relative of mine ends up in the wrong section of the restuarant looking at movies of an adult nature = "Guy on Guy Burgers and Fries"
• Nancy Kerrigan stands at the front door and gets hit in the leg every day -- "WHY, WHY, WHY, burgers and fries" (Ryan Grimes)
• The cast of Grease owns the resturant - "Hand Jive Guys burgers and fries" (Ryan Grimes)
• Gloria Gaynor opens her own branch - "I will survive burgers and fries" (Ryan Grimes)
• Dissapointed Italian/Jewish/Hispanic mother walk around shaking their head at their disrupting children = "Aye aye aye Burgers and Fries"
• Pot becomes legal only in the resturant - "High guys burgers and fries" (Ryan Grimes)
• Staff hits your food too you with a golf club and you have to eat it no matter where it lands = "Eat Your Food Where it Lies Burgers and Fries"
• When you order your food you get an automated response telling you we will be out of the restuarant until Monday and will not have access to orders or voicemail = "Out of Office Reply Burgers and Fries"
• Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, Dana Carvey, and Dan Akroyd buy a franchise = "Former Saturday Night Live Guys Burgers and Fries"
• Before ordering your food you have to play either Beer Pong or Flip Cup with the victorious guy/girl/group eating at the others expense = "Loser Buys Burgers and Fries"
• Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett open a shop using their enemies as the food = "Meat Pies Burgers and Fries"
• Merger with Panda Express = "Stir Fry Burgers and Fries" 
• Crappy one hit wonder'80's band Kajagoogoo performs live since they can't find other work = "Too Shy Shy Hush Hush Eye to Eye Burgers and Fries"
• Bill Clintone opens a franchise with Monica Lewinsky: Ex-President Denies Burgers and Fries. (Rob Gardiner)
• Jeff, Ryan and their best friend open a franchise: "You're Z Butt Fried Burgers and Fries". (Rob Gardiner)
• Two NFL QB Brother's go in to business:"Peyton and Eli's Burgers and Fries" (Rob Gardiner)
• Star Wars aficionados start the business: "Return of the Jedi's Burgers and Fries". (Rob Gardiner)
• The creepy kid from Children of the Corn owns a shop: "Malachai's Burgers and Fries" (Rob Gardiner)
• All of the waitreses dress like my Aunt Marie: "Knee Highs Burgers and Fries" (Rob Gardiner)
• Playing cards with grandma (who cheated) = "Shanghai Burgers and Fries." 
• 80's hair band takes over the place = "Once Bitten Twice Shy Burgers and Fries"  Once Bitten Twice Shy 

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 1/18/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)