When I was but a wee little lad, one of my favorite toys was the Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle....complete with cheap plastic ramps!! Actually, I think Evel was my brother's and mine was the Black Marauder (seen here in action circa 1981)........BUT I digress. The point is that I loved that wind up motorcycle toy.
Truth be told I've always been a fan of motorcycles jumping over stuff. I love motocross/supercross/arenacross and I'm a huge fan of Travis Pastrana. In the interest of full disclosure though, I've been known to get excited about The Fonz jumping barrels back in the day (not his shark jump though) and, sadly, even Grease 2. Evel's jumps, however, were legendary and by far the greatest ever attempted.
Eventually came Evel's son, Robert Edward Knievel - who btw turns 50 this year - the third of four children according to Wikipedia (therefore it must be true). Robert Edward at some point had an epiphany and decided it would be wise to follow in his father's footsteps by becoming a world renowned stunt man. Kaptain Robbie Knievel was born.
Just like his famous father he wore a patriotic jump suit. Unlike his dad, the moniker, in my opinion, just didn't COMMAND the attention that a name like "EVEL" did. Hell it doesn't even rhyme!!
As a public service, I have taken it upon myself to suggest alternate nicknames, in the event that Kaptain Robbie ever makes a comeback. The following is a list of names that, I feel, may be a better fit....and could possibly, in some cases, even provide endorsement opportunities (preceded by a brief explanation).
You're welcome America!
- The grammatically correct version of his dad's name = Evil (with an "I") Knievel
- He leaves the arena with a pleasant scent of dried flowers and spices = Potpourrivel Knievel
- Replace the Patriotic jump suit with chain mail and/or a suit of armor = Medieval Knievel
- Install a side car and perform all stunts accompanied by man's best friend = Golden Retrieval Kneivel
- A cautionary food label is placed on his back = Gluten Freevel Knievel
- Never makes a jump wearing a tank top or muscle shirt = Long Sleevel Knievel
- He changes his shoes and sweater like Mr. Rogers before jumping = Make Believel Knievel
- Perform a jump over a fountain full of spewing margarine = I Can't Believel it's Not Knievel
- Dress as a giant insect and land in a field of cotton plants = Boll Weevil Knievel
- Jump over people doing things that gets on his nerves = Pet Peevel Knievel
- He'll analyse your dreams prior to each jump = Ph.D.vel Knievel
- "I need TP for my Bung Hole!!" = Beval and Butthead Knievel
- All interviews given with a British accent = Join Me for a Cup of Teavel? Knievel
- Only jumps once a year over a large glass ball in Time's Square = Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Evel Knievel
- Performances far exceed that of the "standard" stunt man's = Over Achievel Knievel
- He dresses as Sir Walter Scott (NOT Shakespeare) = Oh What a Tangled Web We Weavel Knievel
- "Awwww shucks Wally" = Leave it to Beavel Knievel
- Believes he knows all about you before meeting you based on what he's heard = Preconceivel Knievel
- Fairly self explanatory = Christmas Treevel Knievel
- He takes over for you on the night shift = Relievel Knievel
- You hire him as your "yes man" - I Completely Agreeval Knievel
- After his jumps he keeps "buzzing" around your open can of Coke = Bumblebeevel Knievel
- Truly believes that you have a bridge you want to sell him = Naivel Knievel
- "The previous jump is under review" = Refereevel Knievel
- He knows where he stands in the social order = Bourgeoisievel Knievel
- He'll bust some rhymes AND a cap in yo' ass = O.G.vel Knievel
- You think he's sooooooo cute until he flings his own poo at you = Chimpanzeevel Knievel
- For all my homeys at the airport = Foreign Object Debrisvel Knievel (FOD)
- Click on the video link at the end and you'll understand = I'm Turning Japanevel Knievel The Vapors Music Video
- Exchanges motorcycle for a Subaru Outback = Crocodile Dundeevel Knievel
- He breaks up with you after each stunt = It's Not You it's Mevel Knievel
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 1/22/2012
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