Words with......Friends?

It's always lovely to receive your feedback, story ideas and death threats. Many - and by many I mean three or four - have shared your wonderful thoughts with me through email and social networks. I thank you for the kind words.

From time to time, I am asked to take an idea and put my own spin on it. You may recall from way back (yesterday) that I posted my thoughts on certain niche market versions of the 50 Shades book series. In a recent private message my brother, Backwards Rob (a good gob) proposed a unique article idea that fit right into what I am trying to accomplish with this blog: Words With Friends Spin-Offs.

The popularity of online game apps is fairly well chronicled. Even I, much to my chagrin, have been known to indulge in the time and energy zapping world created by the likes of Zynga.

Well, the people (Backwards Rob) have spoken and we (meaning me) here at Backwards Jeff listened. For your reading pleasures, I have compiled a list of, what I believe to be, worth while spin-offs of the wildly popular game, Words With Friends. Explanation first, followed by proposed spin-off in bold, yada yada yada....read on home-piece!!

• Your name is  Alfred Mosher Butts, it's 1938, you invent a board game - Scrabble 
•  

• For your father-in-law, who has everything, and claims to be a better fisherman than he really is - Worms with Friends
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• About 10 pounds - Words with Hen Weighs
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• Only to be played in a hyperbaric chamber after rising to the surface to fast - Words with the Bends
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• If you or someone you know should be institutionalized.....for your own protection - Wards with Friends. IMPORTANT NOTE: This should NEVER be confused with the game you play with your friend who looks a lot like Hugh Beaumont AKA Ward Cleaver with Friends
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• Because you miss your dermatologist - Warts with Friends
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• To be played sitting on a tuffet....with or without spiders - Curds (and whey) with Friends
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• For fans of Jackass - Injured with Friends
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• Addicted to Twitter and/or fashion fads? - Words with Trends
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• Played on occasion when "the mood" strikes without any strings attached - Words with Friends with Benefits
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• Words with Friends with Benefits often turns into Awkward with Friends once one player realizes they have feelings for the other
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• EN GARDE!!!! - Swords with Friends
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• Fairly self explanatory - Words without Friends (more commonly called "Nerds with Friends"....I play this one often)
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• Once your garage is full, floor to ceiling with old newspapers, and other garbage, you refuse to throw away, you move on to - Hoards with Friends
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• Hoards with Friends should not be mistaken for Hordes with Friends, which is normally played with torches and pitch forks as you attempt to find and kill the Tar Monster
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• Come on BJ, the Tar Monster doesn't really exist, that's just - Absurd with Friends
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• Only four letter words can be played - Dirty Words with Friends 
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• Dirty Words with Friends is sometimes known in the "Bible Belt" as Words that Offend depending on the level of "Holier than Thou" each player possesses
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• In some regions may be referred to as "the phone game" - Overheard with Friends
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• A DOUBLE waste of time - Angry Birds with Friends
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• Generally associated with my Uncle Ron's wardrobe in the 1970's - Words with Suspenders
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• A shout out to my friends and family working at the Sanitation District (SD1) - Turds with Friends
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• Play Like a Champion Today - Words in South Bend
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• Because you just can't get enough of my awesomeness - Backwards (Jeff) with Friends
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• Yo VIP!!  Let's kick it!! - Words to your Mother with Friends
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• This one is simply Weird with Friends, but I kept it anyway. When you can't fight the urge to dance to crappy songs - I got the moves like Jaggered with Friends
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• Yeah, BJ, that WAS indeed an odd one - I Concur with Friends 
• 
  
• Is this post over yet? - Bored with Friends
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• REALLY, DUDE?!? -  Perturbed with Friends
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• Make it all the way to the bottom and earn double bonus points - Rewards with Friends
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• Mock - YEAH - ing YEAH -Bird - YEAH with Friends
• 
  
• WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?!?! - Cowards with Friends
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• I'm not sure, dude, but it sounded like the Tar Monster....why don't you go check it out? - Worries with Friends
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• ZOINKS!!! I'm not going alone.....why don't we all go? We can split up into teams - Works with Friends
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• We're all going to be just fine - Reassured with Friends
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• “Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.” - Self-Worth With Friends
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• Hey, you dang Wood Chucks....quit chucking my wood!!! - How Much Wood Would a Wood Chuck Chuck if a Wood Chuck Could Chuck Wood with Friends
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• Use it to flavor your meat (impossible to pronounce....harder to spell) - Worcestershire with Friends
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• Slurred with Friends (because you were liquored up with friends) which resulted in a field sobriety test Administered with Friends. Which made your Saturday night much Worse with Friends
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• Mrs. Roper really knows that Jack isn't gay even though that was a condition of him moving in with Janet & Chrissy - Landlords with Friends
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• Meanwhile, down at the old folks home - Shuffleboard with Friends
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• Oh that's odd. I thought that would be big news. There seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological  piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety. Oh have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard. - WELL UH......BIRD DIRD BIRD....BIRD IS THE WORD with Friends

SURPRISE! Thank you for reading!

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 11/14/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

50 Shades of........

I'm not one who would normally try to capitalize on the popularity of the latest trends. So when my friend, Ryan G., approached me about a "Backwards Jeff (BJ)" take on the 50 Shades craze, quite frankly, I was offended. I mean, really, me, Backwards Jeff, piggy backing off of the success of the most recent fad? The notion is outlandish.......preposterous even!!

And if you believe any of that first paragraph, you are a bigger fool than I would have been to pass up on the idea. I immediately took note and have been working on it, in the back of my brain, ever since.

The broad popularity of the 50 Shades series is understandable, but I sense that something is missing. I feel that, although the original work appeals to a large, diverse part of the population, there is more money to be made by creating sub categories that may strike a chord with certain niche markets.

If you are new to the site, typically, what I will do is have a brief, silly explanation of the BJ version -usually broken down into categories- followed by the new title, in bold (for emphasis). The list is a bit lengthy, so in order to not waste too much of your time, I will get right into it. To get you in the mood to read this, I suggest a little 50 Shades of Foreplay.

REGIONAL/TRAVEL CATEGORY

• If you are looking to get away for cheap, may I suggest - 50 Shades of Greyhound 
• Or to get away without all of the creepy people sitting too close to you, hop on into - 50 Shades of Chevrolet
• For all of the Packers Fans (like my friend Maggie) - 50 Shades of Green Bay  (Note: these same fans may also like 50 Shades of Clay (Matthews) )
• The ever increasing population of our friends in India might enjoy - 50 Shades of Bombay
• In Japan, those who like cartoons with exaggerated facial features can can speed race into -             50 Shades of Anime
• Cincinnati sports fans can appreciate - 50 Shades of WHO DEY!!!!
• Cincinnati style chili eaters could really sink their teeth into - 50 Shades of Three-Way
• Supporters of the South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs would certainly buy -             50 Shades of Bobby Boucher
• For that guy in your family who can't seem to locate certain cities in California - 50 Shades of Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
• When you're stuck at the airport for HOURS - 50 Shades of Mechanical Delay

FOOD & BEVERAGE

•  Butter substitute enthusiasts from the 1970's will find joy in - 50 Shades of PARKAY
  
•  For those who lost a bunch of weight eating foot long sandwiches with pre-sliced meat - 50 Shades of Subway (eat fresh)
• Little Miss Muffet is the only one who may read - 50 Shades of Curds and Whey
• Part of your well balanced breakfast - 50 Shades of Special K (served with 50 Shades of OJ)
• If you can't eat meat during lent - 50 Shades of Gimme Back that FILLET (o-fish)
•  You go now!! You been here four hours!! - 50 Shades of Chinese Buffet

TELEVISION & FILM

• The main character travels around the country in an 18 wheeler with his best friend "Bear" - 50 Shades of BJ McKay
• If you or someone you know is named; Cartman, Stan, Kyle or Kenny - 50 Shades of Drugs are Bad MmmKay
• What you talkin' 'bout Willis? - 50 Shades of Gary (Coleman) 
• Fan of Eddie Murphy SNL characters? Try - 50 Shades of O'TAY!!
• Dirty Harry just wants a cup of coffee - 50 Shades of Go Ahead....Make My Day!
• Combination of book and popular TV show (you may never see your wife again) - 50 Shades of Grey's Anatomy
• Fat Albert is popular with the ladies - 50 Shades of Hey! Hey! Hey!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

MUSIC

• For the gangsta rapper in you - Fiddy Shades of Grey
• And it's something quite peculiar. Something shimmering and white. - 50 Shades of Under the Milky Way Tonight (that one's for Dawn)
• Business up front....party in the back - 50 Shades of Billy Ray
• House Party - Dance off - 50 Shades of Kid 'N Play

• This post is a bunch of "Dookie" (WARNING: Links to uncensored full album on youtube) - 50 Shades of Green day
• Those who got in late on the MC Hammer phase with lesser known tunes- 50 Shades of We Got to Pray Just to Make it Today
• If you are a Beastie Boys fan, like BJ, you will LOVE - 50 Shades of Back in the Day. There was this Girl Around the Way. She Liked My Home-Piece MCA (Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum)
  
• It's the kind you find in a second hand store - 50 Shades of Raspberry Beret
• Jungle Love....I think I wanna know ya! - 50 Shades of Morris Day

AT THE OLD FOLKS HOME 

• Arts and Crafts hour - 50 Shades of Crochet
• That is the worst comb over I have ever seen - 50 Shades of Toupee
• What is that Smell? - 50 Shades of Ben Gay
• No I think it's more of a feminine scent - 50 Shades of Olay?

RANDOM

• This post is almost over - 50 Shades of YAY! (aka 50 Shades of Hooray!)
• If you are generally working up a sweat parking other people's cars - 50 Shades of Valet
• Freaky looking clowns doing gymnastics - 50 Shades of Cirque du Soleil
• About 10 pounds - 50 Shades of What's a Hen Weigh? 
• For a nice gentle spray of water to cleanse your bottom - 50 Shades of Bidet
• A statement made out of court that is offered in court as evidence to prove the truth of the matter asserted -50 Shades of Hearsay
• Can't get enough of my awesome blog posts? - 50 Shades of BJ
• You are a frustrated Jewish reader, you say? - 50 Shades of Oy Vey!! (a favorite phrase for BJ)
  
• For the Spanish speaker with many unanswered questions - 50 Shades of Por Que?
• If you think the world ended 12 years ago because of a computer glitch - 50 Shades of Y2K
• This post has soooooooooooo been done before BJ - 50 Shades of Cliché
• My response to your previous statement - 50 Shades of Touché 
• Seriously....I am done - 50 Shades of Calling it a Day 

O'TAY!!!

 I had a feeling you wouldn't get the hint that I wanted you to leave - 50 Shades of Overstay

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 11/13/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff

 

HR Job Descriptions (Translated to plain English)

NOTE: What follows is satire, parody, sarcasm, etc. Please remember that this is a joke and not meant to cause anyone or any entity harm. :)

Searching for a job is hard work. We all know the frustrations. You send out 40,000 resumes and, if you're lucky, you hear back from three of the companies. In my experience, possibly one of the worst parts is sorting through all of the garbage that HR people write to pump up the job and/or company in the hopes of making it seem like their position posting is the BEST in the history of jobs!!

If you are a frequent visitor to Backwards Jeff, you likely recall I have said in the past that, "imagination is more important than vocabulary." I firmly believe that, in order to be truly effective as a writer, it is more important to be able to string words together in a meaningful manner, rather than to simply WOW people (or more realistically bore them to sleep) with big words. If a painter knows a lot of color names, or can differentiate between them, but simply makes a mess on a canvas, does that make him/her a good painter? I think not.

That being said, I have found that HR people, who in many cases do not do the job they are interviewing for (and never have), use large, seemingly complex, "Corporate" words to try to sell their opening to prospective job seekers. My initial thought is.......STOP IT!! Please just tell me what the damn job is and what I will be doing so that I can quickly decide if I qualify and/or if I want to send you my resume. Why does this have to be so difficult?!?!

For your enjoyment, I have taken a real life job description for the position of "Department Trainer" - from a well known "career building" Web site - and put into plain English what, I feel, the publisher is trying to say - BJ version in RED text. I even included/modified the company (who is nameless for legal reasons) description of itself at the end....in case you aren't asleep and want to read more.

If this goes over well it may become a recurring post. I hope you enjoy!! Please see below:

DEPARTMENT TRAINER (DEPARTMENT TRAINER)  
NOTE: BJ used to be a "Certified Trainer" in the airline business so he feels qualified to speak on this subject.....and in the 3rd person.

The Department Trainer researches, plans, organizes, and conducts training programs in the assigned department by performing the following duties. (blah blah blah this is mostly a load of hose crap)

• Conducts needs assessment, including conferring with management and staff, to identify specific skill/knowledge gaps, training objectives, work situations, and changes in policies and procedures. (You will speak with the people who also work here, including your boss, to determine, what we are doing wrong, how we fix it, work situations -which sort of seems out of place in this sentence - and make changes to the rules.)
• Researches course content. (Google how other companies do stuff...steal their good ideas...claim we spent R & D money on this....use R & D money to go to "conference" in Vegas.)
• Develops and maintains course curriculum and instructional programs. (Make Power Point presentations and Hand Outs.)
• Designs, creates, and updates training aids, such as manuals, handouts, course exercises, and visual aids. (Basically, the same things we just said in the previous point; however, management would not approve this job listing without another bullet point or two....they thought this might make our company look better and attract top notch talent.)
• Facilitates classroom training. (Stands in front of people showing Power Points and distributing hand outs. Occasionally, yell at those who are falling asleep, texting or updating their FaceBook status in class.)
• Confers with department supervisors to identify additional training needs, as required for new staff. (Again, same thing we said in the first point. This is just an extra, unnecessary, bullet point to make the job seem "sexier" according to management.)
• Evaluates effectiveness of training and modifies programs as needed. (Checks FaceBook status on phone while your class takes a test. Grades test. Changes questions on test periodically so that if we hire friends and family of current employees they can't cheat.)
• Schedules training room, arranges equipment, and prepares physical set-up, as needed. (Argues with other departments about how you signed out the projector first and they need to use the older one that sometimes doesn't work. Also fight over whether or not you DID schedule this room online for this date and time....you even hung signs for class participants to locate you....which you now see in the garbage next to the room thief.)
• Maintains training attendance records. (Put stuff in a filing cabinet. Sometimes, successfully use a three whole punch to store papers in a three ring binder. File Abe's papers that are six months old.)
• Responds to individual employee training issues on an as needed basis. (Fix things that are wrong. Listen to trainees whine about why they can't or won't do something. Find Ross P. (this guy was one of my first trainees....seriously) when he can't figure out how to navigate back to the classroom after lunch.)
• Maintains current knowledge of organizational and industrial trends and makes appropriate recommendations for new or updated training programs. (Go to Continuing Education, often called "Train the Trainer," classes. Remove old papers from file cabinets and binders and replaces them with new ones so that the governing bodies, such as; the FAA and/or TSA, don't fine the company.)

The successful candidate will possess a High School Diploma or general education degree (GED) and a minimum of 4 years relevant experience or an equivalent combination of education, training, and experience. Knowledge of organizing and planning techniques; office practices and procedures; computer operation; and word processing, spreadsheet, presentation and database software; basic knowledge of relevant legal process; ability to identify department training needs; develop and present training materials; observe, compare, or monitor employee behavior to determine compliance with prescribed operating standards; present a positive image to the public; and effectively engage adult learners. (WORD JUMBLE (everyone do a shot)....if you can BS your way through a resume and phone interview, we will call you in for an in person interview. We will then ask you questions like: "tell us about a time when you disagreed with your boss. How did you handle this situation?" and "Tell us about a time when you went above and beyond your normal job duties to exceed a customer's expectations." We might even bust out a: "What are your Strengths?" or "What are your weaknesses?" Followed by a: "What makes you a great fit for Unnamed Company?" Most of these questions can be found in "Interviews for Dummies" and are tired, old, and really don't tell us anything about you because everyone answers in the same fashion; HOWEVER, we will judge you based on your reply and then give you the "are you crazy" test. You will hear from us in 4-6 weeks.....presumably after you have either found another job, went back to your old employer, or are suffering from malnutrition as a result of living for a month and a half on crackers and generic peanut butter.)

If you share in our philosophies and are seeking a challenging and exciting opportunity with a growing organization, we invite you to learn more about us at www.itookouttherealcompanyname.com. (If you can pretend to drink the Kool-Aid and are ready to do the work that used to be the work of three people in a company where there are more VPs than there are bathrooms, please, for the love of GOD, visit our Web site)

COMPANY DESCRIPTION....as promised (Have I ever lied to you?)

This company, which shall remain nameless, is a growing firm (because we keep buying out our competitors) recognized as the nation’s leading Blah Blah Blah firm, based on revenue (we do collections). Headquartered in Some City in OH (where our sports teams suck and the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame isn't worth the price of admission unless you REALLY, REALLY are a Hendrix fan), Unnamed Company employs over XXXX employees (suckers) and operates a network of XX offices in X states. For more than XX years (Stroking our own ego now), we have been providing comprehensive creditor representation (collections) to financial institutions, lenders (unnescessary redundancy), servicers, manufacturers and service companies (corporate speak for "people who want their money") nationwide. Working for our clients, we offer expertise (Ego Stroke & Billy Squier Link) and solutions to their daily legal and debt recovery concerns (see...I told you....COLLECTIONS). We pride ourselves on delivering exceptional collections (finally, they admit it....nicely hidden in middle of word jumble) and real estate recovery services through partnerships based on integrity and respect for our clients, our employees, and the communities in which we service (MORE corporate speak). Unnamed Company has a humanistic philosophy (we have canned food drives) to debt recovery, striving to treat everyone in the same fashion and with the same respect that we provide to our employees and clients (corporate speak TRIFECTA) We are looking for quality professionals (people who can pass a drug test and have their own car). If you have a strong work ethic (you don't call in sick every Monday) and share in our philosophy (or at least can fake it like everyone else), we invite you (beg you) to consider (PLEASE?!?) employment at Unnamed Company.


Copyright (if you steal my work, I sue you) J.C. Gardiner (sometimes known as: Jeff, Backwards Jeff, BJ, Oompa, Dude, Duder, Guppy, Gupwik, Jeffro, Bilbo, Pumpkin, etc.) 11/3/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com (attempt to get you to email me your comments)
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263 (attempt to evaluate my self worth by the number of "followers" I have)
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff (attempt # 2 to evaluate my self worth by the number of "followers" I have)
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner) 

Are you still reading this?

The Halloween App

I've always been a big chicken. Scared of my own shadow. I triple check the doors and windows. Sometimes, I carry pepper spray and/or a knife. When I was a child, I even used to sleep covered head to toe with a sleeping bag with only my mouth and nose visible (for oxygen purposes). I never watched horror movies....Hell, even the truck driver from Pee Wee's Big Adventure creeped me out. Nevertheless (favorite word), I have always been fond of the Halloween holiday.

Looking back at my childhood, I find this is peculiar, especially considering that I grew up less that a block away from, and played in, a 19th Century cemetery. In fact, many of the "residents" of the old bone yard carried the same surname as this blogger....minus the "i" present with my own. I even recall the creepiest of all epitaphs from one of the gravestones:

Remember friends as you pass by,

As you are now, so once was I,

As I am now, so you must be,

Prepare for death and follow me.

Still sort of gives me the willies, but I digress.

Halloween was always something I looked forward to. It was a time to pretend to be someone, or something, that we were not. It was a time to eat candy 'til we puked and not get into trouble. It was a time to be creative and enjoy the creativity of others.

I was always involved in some sort of Halloween shenanigans. My Boy Scout Troop (Troop # 23, Bromley, KY) put on a Haunted House fundraiser for several years. Last year I helped organize a murder mystery dinner at Bobby Mackey's for a non-profit group I worked with. Even Dawn and I were exchanged nuptials with a Halloween theme five years ago (maybe one day I will post pictures for all the blogisphere to see).

The last few years have been a total disappointment, to say the least. We live on a busy road in a fairly healthy and safe community, yet despite this fact, trick-or-treaters are scarce. It almost isn't worth the effort to decorate or give out candy. The children who are brave enough to venture out have lost all sense of creativity. In my humble opinion, wearing your favorite NBA player's jersey and shoes does not a costume make.

And don't EVEN get me started on cabbage night - perhaps otherwise known to some as Mischief Night, Devil's Night, Hell Night, Cabbage Night, Gate Night, Mizzy Night, Miggy Night, Goosing Night, and Egg Nyte. I doubt that anyone younger than 25 even knows that that means....without searching it on google or urbandictionary.com that is. When I was a tween - even before the word "tween" was invented - it was seen as a right of passage to  the city limits with a bar of soap writing dirty words and drawing phallic shaped objects on the motor vehicles of my neighbors....some of whom would hide in the dark with a hose and unleash their own cabbage night entertainment on would be ne'er-do-wells.

My theory is that the kids today are too lazy to get out of the house. Sure, part of this is my generation's fault. Perhaps even the media is to blame. I think that we have become so paranoid with the predatory serial (not to be confused with "cereal" which is part of a well balanced breakfast) killers, that we barely let our kids fart without dialing 911. For their part, the kids seem all too happy with this fact, provided that will fill their faces with i-pods and facebook and text messages and all of the other assorted gadgets and social nonsense (I say that as if blogspot isn't just as bad).

This year, Dawn and I decided at the last minute to buy candy. Rather than handing it out, though, we stuck it in three bowls on the porch with a sign that read; "Take what you want, but not more than you need Halloween is for sharing with no room for greed."

After the festivities were over, we made our way to the porch to survey the damage. Much to my surprise, only about 1/3 of the five bags of candy we purchased had been taken. What kind of morally responsible BS is this?!? Is it truly possible that the kids (or kid) in my neighborhood felt socially responsible? Could it be that they thought of their fellow NBA player look-a-likes and put the extra pieces back? Or, is it that we bought crappy candy and they raided the bowls for the chocolate stuff and left the rest behind?

Maybe it was the note. Perhaps my language was a bit too "uncool" for the intended audience. Below, I have introduced a few ideas for next year's candy note (feel free to add or email me with your own):

 -Taylor Swift used to want this candy, but not any more....let's sell 1.2 million albums this week about it
-@takethisdamncandy #PLEASE (this one is my favorite so far)
-Candy App: Download as much candy as you like for free
-Truth is? (this is free candy)
-OMG!! This candy, is like, so like, free and stuff for realz
-Forward this candy to 8 friends in 2 hours and something AMAZING will happen on the fourth day
-Text Me...KK
- :)
-4 out of 5 Kardashians would like you to take this candy
-Your is not You're is not UR
-I'm Backwards Jeff and I approved this candy
-*(just a picture of candy taking picture of itself in bathroom mirror)* -with or without and of the following; puckered lips, reverse peace sign, underdrawers showing, gang sign, abs, fake tatt, tilted head, hip-hop hat, spray on tan, distorted face (with phone app), extended arm, cleavage, better looking friend, exotic pet, feet on the beach, some words about your bff or favorite song, etc

Maybe the best idea is to just leave my contact information asking for trick-or-treaters to text or tweet me with their request. In return, I will reply with a picture of the candy that you aren't getting. >:(

Anyhoo.....that is just one guy's take on it.....reporting live for backwards jeff's blog, this is backwards jeff

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 10/31/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)