NOTE: What follows is satire, parody, sarcasm, etc. Please remember that this is a joke and not meant to cause anyone or any entity harm. :)
Searching for a job is hard work. We all know the frustrations. You send out 40,000 resumes and, if you're lucky, you hear back from three of the companies. In my experience, possibly one of the worst parts is sorting through all of the garbage that HR people write to pump up the job and/or company in the hopes of making it seem like their position posting is the BEST in the history of jobs!!
If you are a frequent visitor to Backwards Jeff, you likely recall I have said in the past that, "imagination is more important than vocabulary." I firmly believe that, in order to be truly effective as a writer, it is more important to be able to string words together in a meaningful manner, rather than to simply WOW people (or more realistically bore them to sleep) with big words. If a painter knows a lot of color names, or can differentiate between them, but simply makes a mess on a canvas, does that make him/her a good painter? I think not.
That being said, I have found that HR people, who in many cases do not do the job they are interviewing for (and never have), use large, seemingly complex, "Corporate" words to try to sell their opening to prospective job seekers. My initial thought is.......STOP IT!! Please just tell me what the damn job is and what I will be doing so that I can quickly decide if I qualify and/or if I want to send you my resume. Why does this have to be so difficult?!?!
For your enjoyment, I have taken a real life job description for the position of "Department Trainer" - from a well known "career building" Web site - and put into plain English what, I feel, the publisher is trying to say - BJ version in RED text. I even included/modified the company (who is nameless for legal reasons) description of itself at the end....in case you aren't asleep and want to read more.
If this goes over well it may become a recurring post. I hope you enjoy!! Please see below:
DEPARTMENT TRAINER (DEPARTMENT TRAINER)
NOTE: BJ used to be a "Certified Trainer" in the airline business so he feels qualified to speak on this subject.....and in the 3rd person.
The Department Trainer researches, plans,
organizes, and conducts training programs in the assigned department by
performing the following duties.
(blah blah blah this is mostly a load of hose crap)
• Conducts needs assessment, including conferring with management and staff, to identify specific skill/knowledge gaps, training objectives, work situations, and changes in policies and procedures. (You will speak with the people who also work here, including your boss, to determine, what we are doing wrong, how we fix it, work situations -which sort of seems out of place in this sentence - and make changes to the rules.)
• Researches course content. (Google how other companies do stuff...steal their good ideas...claim we spent R & D money on this....use R & D money to go to "conference" in Vegas.)
• Develops and maintains course curriculum and instructional programs. (Make Power Point presentations and Hand Outs.)
• Designs, creates, and updates training aids, such as manuals, handouts, course exercises, and visual aids. (Basically, the same things we just said in the previous point; however, management would not approve this job listing without another bullet point or two....they thought this might make our company look better and attract top notch talent.)
• Facilitates classroom training. (Stands in front of people showing Power Points and distributing hand outs. Occasionally, yell at those who are falling asleep, texting or updating their FaceBook status in class.)
• Confers with department supervisors to identify additional training needs, as required for new staff. (Again, same thing we said in the first point. This is just an extra, unnecessary, bullet point to make the job seem "sexier" according to management.)
• Evaluates effectiveness of training and modifies programs as needed. (Checks FaceBook status on phone while your class takes a test. Grades test. Changes questions on test periodically so that if we hire friends and family of current employees they can't cheat.)
• Schedules training room, arranges equipment, and prepares physical set-up, as needed. (Argues with other departments about how you signed out the projector first and they need to use the older one that sometimes doesn't work. Also fight over whether or not you DID schedule this room online for this date and time....you even hung signs for class participants to locate you....which you now see in the garbage next to the room thief.)
• Maintains training attendance records. (Put stuff in a filing cabinet. Sometimes, successfully use a three whole punch to store papers in a three ring binder. File Abe's papers that are six months old.)
• Responds to individual employee training issues on an as needed basis. (Fix things that are wrong. Listen to trainees whine about why they can't or won't do something. Find Ross P. (this guy was one of my first trainees....seriously) when he can't figure out how to navigate back to the classroom after lunch.)
• Maintains current knowledge of organizational and industrial trends and makes appropriate recommendations for new or updated training programs. (Go to Continuing Education, often called "Train the Trainer," classes. Remove old papers from file cabinets and binders and replaces them with new ones so that the governing bodies, such as; the FAA and/or TSA, don't fine the company.)
The successful candidate will possess a High School Diploma or general education degree (GED) and a minimum of 4 years relevant experience or an equivalent combination of education, training, and experience. Knowledge of organizing and planning techniques; office practices and procedures; computer operation; and word processing, spreadsheet, presentation and database software; basic knowledge of relevant legal process; ability to identify department training needs; develop and present training materials; observe, compare, or monitor employee behavior to determine compliance with prescribed operating standards; present a positive image to the public; and effectively engage adult learners. (WORD JUMBLE (everyone do a shot)....if you can BS your way through a resume and phone interview, we will call you in for an in person interview. We will then ask you questions like: "tell us about a time when you disagreed with your boss. How did you handle this situation?" and "Tell us about a time when you went above and beyond your normal job duties to exceed a customer's expectations." We might even bust out a: "What are your Strengths?" or "What are your weaknesses?" Followed by a: "What makes you a great fit for Unnamed Company?" Most of these questions can be found in "Interviews for Dummies" and are tired, old, and really don't tell us anything about you because everyone answers in the same fashion; HOWEVER, we will judge you based on your reply and then give you the "are you crazy" test. You will hear from us in 4-6 weeks.....presumably after you have either found another job, went back to your old employer, or are suffering from malnutrition as a result of living for a month and a half on crackers and generic peanut butter.)
If you share in our philosophies and are seeking a challenging and exciting opportunity with a growing organization, we invite you to learn more about us at www.itookouttherealcompanyname.com. (If you can pretend to drink the Kool-Aid and are ready to do the work that used to be the work of three people in a company where there are more VPs than there are bathrooms, please, for the love of GOD, visit our Web site)
• Conducts needs assessment, including conferring with management and staff, to identify specific skill/knowledge gaps, training objectives, work situations, and changes in policies and procedures. (You will speak with the people who also work here, including your boss, to determine, what we are doing wrong, how we fix it, work situations -which sort of seems out of place in this sentence - and make changes to the rules.)
• Researches course content. (Google how other companies do stuff...steal their good ideas...claim we spent R & D money on this....use R & D money to go to "conference" in Vegas.)
• Develops and maintains course curriculum and instructional programs. (Make Power Point presentations and Hand Outs.)
• Designs, creates, and updates training aids, such as manuals, handouts, course exercises, and visual aids. (Basically, the same things we just said in the previous point; however, management would not approve this job listing without another bullet point or two....they thought this might make our company look better and attract top notch talent.)
• Facilitates classroom training. (Stands in front of people showing Power Points and distributing hand outs. Occasionally, yell at those who are falling asleep, texting or updating their FaceBook status in class.)
• Confers with department supervisors to identify additional training needs, as required for new staff. (Again, same thing we said in the first point. This is just an extra, unnecessary, bullet point to make the job seem "sexier" according to management.)
• Evaluates effectiveness of training and modifies programs as needed. (Checks FaceBook status on phone while your class takes a test. Grades test. Changes questions on test periodically so that if we hire friends and family of current employees they can't cheat.)
• Schedules training room, arranges equipment, and prepares physical set-up, as needed. (Argues with other departments about how you signed out the projector first and they need to use the older one that sometimes doesn't work. Also fight over whether or not you DID schedule this room online for this date and time....you even hung signs for class participants to locate you....which you now see in the garbage next to the room thief.)
• Maintains training attendance records. (Put stuff in a filing cabinet. Sometimes, successfully use a three whole punch to store papers in a three ring binder. File Abe's papers that are six months old.)
• Responds to individual employee training issues on an as needed basis. (Fix things that are wrong. Listen to trainees whine about why they can't or won't do something. Find Ross P. (this guy was one of my first trainees....seriously) when he can't figure out how to navigate back to the classroom after lunch.)
• Maintains current knowledge of organizational and industrial trends and makes appropriate recommendations for new or updated training programs. (Go to Continuing Education, often called "Train the Trainer," classes. Remove old papers from file cabinets and binders and replaces them with new ones so that the governing bodies, such as; the FAA and/or TSA, don't fine the company.)
The successful candidate will possess a High School Diploma or general education degree (GED) and a minimum of 4 years relevant experience or an equivalent combination of education, training, and experience. Knowledge of organizing and planning techniques; office practices and procedures; computer operation; and word processing, spreadsheet, presentation and database software; basic knowledge of relevant legal process; ability to identify department training needs; develop and present training materials; observe, compare, or monitor employee behavior to determine compliance with prescribed operating standards; present a positive image to the public; and effectively engage adult learners. (WORD JUMBLE (everyone do a shot)....if you can BS your way through a resume and phone interview, we will call you in for an in person interview. We will then ask you questions like: "tell us about a time when you disagreed with your boss. How did you handle this situation?" and "Tell us about a time when you went above and beyond your normal job duties to exceed a customer's expectations." We might even bust out a: "What are your Strengths?" or "What are your weaknesses?" Followed by a: "What makes you a great fit for Unnamed Company?" Most of these questions can be found in "Interviews for Dummies" and are tired, old, and really don't tell us anything about you because everyone answers in the same fashion; HOWEVER, we will judge you based on your reply and then give you the "are you crazy" test. You will hear from us in 4-6 weeks.....presumably after you have either found another job, went back to your old employer, or are suffering from malnutrition as a result of living for a month and a half on crackers and generic peanut butter.)
If you share in our philosophies and are seeking a challenging and exciting opportunity with a growing organization, we invite you to learn more about us at www.itookouttherealcompanyname.com. (If you can pretend to drink the Kool-Aid and are ready to do the work that used to be the work of three people in a company where there are more VPs than there are bathrooms, please, for the love of GOD, visit our Web site)
COMPANY DESCRIPTION....as promised (Have I ever lied to you?)
This company, which shall remain nameless, is a growing firm (because we keep buying out our competitors) recognized as the nation’s leading Blah Blah Blah firm, based on revenue (we do collections). Headquartered in Some City in OH (where our sports teams suck and the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame isn't worth the price of admission unless you REALLY, REALLY are a Hendrix fan), Unnamed Company employs over XXXX employees (suckers) and operates a network of XX offices in X states. For more than XX years (Stroking our own ego now), we have been providing comprehensive creditor representation (collections) to financial institutions, lenders (unnescessary redundancy), servicers, manufacturers and service companies (corporate speak for "people who want their money") nationwide. Working for our clients, we offer expertise (Ego Stroke & Billy Squier Link) and solutions to their daily legal and debt recovery concerns (see...I told you....COLLECTIONS). We pride ourselves on delivering exceptional collections (finally, they admit it....nicely hidden in middle of word jumble) and real estate recovery services through partnerships based on integrity and respect for our clients, our employees, and the communities in which we service (MORE corporate speak). Unnamed Company has a humanistic philosophy (we have canned food drives) to debt recovery, striving to treat everyone in the same fashion and with the same respect that we provide to our employees and clients (corporate speak TRIFECTA) We are looking for quality professionals (people who can pass a drug test and have their own car). If you have a strong work ethic (you don't call in sick every Monday) and share in our philosophy (or at least can fake it like everyone else), we invite you (beg you) to consider (PLEASE?!?) employment at Unnamed Company.
Copyright (if you steal my work, I sue you) J.C. Gardiner (sometimes known as: Jeff, Backwards Jeff, BJ, Oompa, Dude, Duder, Guppy, Gupwik, Jeffro, Bilbo, Pumpkin, etc.) 11/3/2012
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Are you still reading this?
Jeffrey Chadwick Gardiner... you'd better not be looking for a collections job. Are you not familiar with the "level of despicable" job rankings?
ReplyDelete5. Manager
4. Stock Broker
3. Asst Penn State Coach/Catholic Priest (tie)
2. Politician
1. Debt collector