May 5....or as it is known in Mexico

If the Mayans had been right

Here at Backwards Jeff (BJ), we (I) try to be timely with our (my) news coverage. Many (none) of you have been asking me to weigh in on the hype surrounding the December 2012 Mayan Apocalypse.

Backwards Jeff is a blog of the people, by the people, and for the people; therefore, I consider it my civic duty to share my thoughts and feelings regarding this pressing matter. It has been just over two years since the world was supposed to end, so I figure I am right on schedule.

I do take a "Switzerland" stance in this case, though, and wish to remain neutral. In the interest of providing a fair and balanced voice, I considered it to be wise to present all sides of the issue. Below I outlined some of the positives and negatives to a Mayan Apocalypse. Please feel free to share your own.

POSITIVES (if the world had ended)

• Say goodbye to MySpace (wait...that already happened without an apocalypse)
• Shorter lines for the bread and milk
• Joe Flacco's contract would be null and void
• There would be no more episodes of The Walking Dead/The Bachelor/Dancing with the Stars/Housewives of....whatever, etc. etc. etc.
• Honey Boo Boo would have ended about two years before it really ended
• FaceBook weather updates would cease to exist
• People complaining about FaceBook weather updates would cease to exist
• All of the Doomsday Preppers could finally say "told you so" like they've always wanted --- assuming their methods worked and they did not turn to sand 
•  Ebola wouldn't have been such a big news story because everyone would be dead
• The term "Polar Vortex" would never have made it into the American vernacular
• Kanye West would have only interrupted ONE awards show by acting like he owns the world
• For "true" fans of the series, instead of being a TV show, The Walking Dead would be a REALITY!!!!
• Snap Chat with duck lips (really duck lips and snap chatting all together)....GONE!
• #HashTagsAreDead
• Debates over the following things cease to exist:
• White or Wheat
• Crushed or cubed
• NASCAR being a "sport"
• Wrestling being real
• "Beauty" Pageants 
• Baywatch: A valid form of entertainment???
• Photo retouching
• Politics
• The death penalty 
• Andy Dalton
• Music 
• School uniforms
• Legalized pot
• 50 Shades of Grey (Still NOT a fan)
• Bud Light vs. Miller Lite
• The best way to spell Light/Lite
• Coke vs. Pepsi
• Skyline vs. Goldstar
• The level of BJ's awesomeness (it rages on)
• People would finally believe that I am NOT going to answer my phone and they should text or email  or FB me
• I would not have gotten dumped on by a snow plow driver last night (snow plow drivers are now BJ enemy #1)

NEGATIVES (world = not ended)

• More opportunities for snow plow drivers to make my life a living hell
• This just means more predictions for the end of time and/or media panic. Remember Y2K, Nostradamus, swine flu, avian flu, West Nile Virus, snowmaggedon, and the like?
• Wal-Mart is still in business
• Terms such as "hella" "ridic" and "selfie" are still a thing
• People still call Backwards Jeff despite insistance that he will usually not answer his phone
• Dudes with ridiculously long beards and flannels still walk the streets (I'm really just jealous since I can't pull off this look without being mistaken for a grunge garden gnome {3G})
• #HashTagsNotDead
• The phrase "there's an app for that" is ongoing
• Wal-Mart is still in business (intentionally on here twice to emphasize my dislike)
•  The Kardashians would, like, have survived either way because they are the, like, cockroaches of the human race....this is a lose lose
• While on the subject, the Kardashian family is not only making more TV programs, now they are starting to reproduce
• There is still a chance that Robots, or even Flobots, will take over the world

NEUTRAL (you know.....since nothing happened)

• Backwards Jeff can still refer to himself in the third person
• What is this Mayan Apocalypse you speak of? 
• Taylor Swift has a blank space to write my name (neutral because, while she is not terrible to look at, she is apparently also not the ideal mate AND an enemy of Kanye)
• There is still banana nut bread for BJ to eat (which is awesome, right?)
• More time to grow a handle bar mustache
• It remains possible to Youtube No Handlebars by Flobots
• Flintstone vitamins continue to be available for retail purchase
• #HashTagsAreNeutral
• Backwards Jeff is STILL available for you to read at work when you really should be working (unless you think I suck, in which case, this could be moved to the Negative category)

In summation: Mayans wrong, world not ended, FB weather updates are annoying (as are those who complain about them), Kardashians continue to make crappy TV, Honey Boo Boo NOT making TV any longer, and media sensationalism LIVES ON!!!

Backwards Jeff summation: BJ likes banana nut bread and Flintstone vitamins, HATES snow plow drivers, Wal-Mart & the Kardashians, CAN NOT grow a long beard, CAN ride a bike with no handlebars...no handlebars, won't answer the phone, is smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy, and Taylor Swift wants him.

Until next time, check out this #HellaRidicSelfie:

#DUCKLIPS!!!

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/22/2015 (originally started on 03/06/2013)
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
#BackwardsJeff
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

The Cruise Ship Bull

The Cruise Ship Bull

by: J.C. Gardiner (aka Backwards Jeff)
.....that's ME!!!!
(Intended for a target audience of 3-7 year olds)

Esteban the Bull was very popular in his small Spanish town.  He was strong, friendly and, perhaps most importantly, he had great hair.

Esteban had been prom king, Student Council President, and captain of his soccer team. After High School, he was even considered a strong candidate for Mayor, but he felt like something was missing from his life.

He would sit on the beach for hours wondering what the rest of the world had to offer. There had to be much more to see and do, he thought.

Esteban was surfing the internet, one sunny afternoon, after surfing some gnarly waves, when he received an interesting email message from an old friend.

Dear Esteban:

It has been so long since we last spoke. How have you been? I hope things are going well!

Things have gotten really exciting in my life. I have a new job with Goody Cruise Lines. I love meeting new people and I get to travel all over the world.

Check out my photos on BookSpace.

TTYL,

Abigail

P.S. You should consider coming to work with me. I know that you would LOVE it here!

Abigail met Esteban several years ago when she visited Europe with her High School Spanish class. She was from some place called “Massachusetts”. Esteban could barely say Massachusetts, let alone, spell it. He felt better, though, when Abigail smiled and told him she still had trouble spelling it too.

Abigail was funny and smart. Esteban enjoyed spending time with her and they became instant friends. When Abigail left for home, they exchanged email addresses and became pen pals.

Esteban didn’t even think twice. He applied online immediately. Before he knew it, he was off to Los Estados Unidos to begin a new career aboard the S.S. Providence.

Upon his arrival, he was greeted by Captain Miller, who was in charge of the ship. Esteban was not sure what to do, so he saluted the Captain. After a hearty chuckle, Captain Miller invited Esteban aboard for a tour and introduced him to the rest of the staff.

He was nervous, but excited.  The ship was even enormous, even bigger than he dreamed.  Plus he was a bull, mind you, so swimming was not his best activity.

Esteban’s first job was as a baggage handler. It came as no surprise to anyone who knew him that he became an instant success.

His co-workers loved him because he could carry ten bags at a time on his horns. This made the work go faster and with less back pain for everyone else.

He was also popular with passengers. Since bags got to their rooms faster, passengers could get to the pool sooner.

Esteban quickly became an expert towel folder. He was known across the ship for his towel animals. He did the standards well, such as; monkey hanging from the ceiling, the walrus, of course, but his signature was “el toro,” the bull. It took 3 towels and a little extra time, but it was a huge hit with families.

One afternoon, Esteban was making his usual rounds. He folded towels, gave piggy-back rides and posed for photos. All was going well until Captain Miller asked to speak to him alone.

“Esteban, you have been a very valuable addition to our staff”, the Captain said.

“Gracias, Captain Miller,” said Esteban. “I LOVE my job and I love my passengers!!”

“Esteban, it saddens me to tell you that one of our passengers has made a complaint;” the captain continued. “The Putnam family, in cabin 1692, says their children are afraid of you, and claim that you snorted at their youngest child”.

“Dios Mio;” Esteban exclaimed! “I would never harm the little ones. They bring so much joy to my day!”

“I believe you, Esteban;” said the Captain. Until I can investigate further, however, I am forced to move you to kitchen duty.”

Esteban was unhappy, but accepted his new role. Being a bull of pride, he made the best of his situation. Esteban, of course, was very popular with the kitchen crew.

Once his duties were complete, he’d often help his new friends by doing dishes, or by peeling potatoes. He hated cutting onions - they made him cry. And, although he was a vegetarian, he was certain that he could not stand the sight of ONE MORE CEASER SALAD!!

Worst of all, though, was that he was forced to wear a hair net!

His hair had grown quite long over the past year. When he was off duty, many passengers would gather around him and ask to have their picture taken with him and his unbelievably long hair. Sometimes it would take multiple pictures just to get in all of his hair.

Abigail would say; “Don’t hang your horns, Esteban. It will all work out in the end”. He knew she was right, but at times it was very hard to believe.

One evening, Abigail and Esteban were enjoying a break together. They sipped strawberry lemonade and watched the sun set.  Esteban had his hooves up on the railing as he enjoyed the nice breeze off of the ocean.

“HELP!”

Esteban asked Abigail if she heard something.

“HELP!! HELP!!” 

There it was again. Only this time it was louder. No one was around to hear as many passengers were eating dinner. Esteban leapt to his feet and looked over the side of the ship.

“Dios mio!!”

He could not believe his eyes. Someone was in the water! It was little Sarah Putnam! The youngest Putnam child!!

Esteban asked Abigail to go find Nurse Rebecca, then he sprung into action. Without hesitation, he backed up several feet, pawed at the ground with his hooves and charged the railing to go into the water to save Sarah.

As he neared the edge, he remembered that he was not the strongest swimmer. He came to a screeching halt just before the railing.

For a moment he was unsure what to do. Then a light bulb went off.

Of course….. THE HAIR!!! He ripped off his hair net and whipped his hair back and forth until it hung over the side of the ship. Then he leaned over the edge and yelled; “Amiga…..wrap my beautiful, silky smooth hair around your waist! I will pull you back on board!” Sarah did as she was told while Esteban slowly walked backwards, pulling with all of his might.

Abigail and Nurse Rebecca arrived just in time to help pull Sarah Putnam safely back onto the deck of the ship.

The Putnam family, were relieved and knew they must apologize for wrongfully accusing Esteban of snorting, so they took out a full page ad in “the Cruise Ship Bulletin” hailing Esteban as a hero. Captain Miller, having learned of the events of the day, reinstated Esteban’s old job…… effective immediately!!

Esteban sang that night with the Reggae band – he was a terrible singer, but nobody wanted to steal his thunder. There was talk of renaming the ship the S.S. Esteban. That idea quickly was disregarded as everyone realized how silly it sounded.

For the remainder of the cruise, Esteban would not let the Putnam children out of his sight. He even stood guard in the hall outside of their rooms (at their father’s request).

As the cruise came to an end and the passengers began to leave, Esteban shared a quiet moment with the Putnam family and extended an open invitation for them to cruise with Goody Cruise Line whenever they wanted to, with Captain Miller’s blessing.

After carrying the Putnam’s luggage to their eco-friendly, moderately priced, SUV, he taught the children how to say “bon voyage”, which is a French phrase meaning, “have a safe journey.” He told the family he would send them friend requests on BookSpace, then he boarded the ship to sail again.

As the S.S. Providence pulled away from the shore for another action packed adventure, Esteban made his way to the back of the boat.  In the distance, he could see, through his shiny, windblown locks, the Putnam family holding a sign that read; “bon voyage, amigo.”

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 01/04/20115
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

I turned off my television

I turned off my television. Once this is written, I plan to walk away from the computer for a while too.
Starting today, I am challenging myself to spend less time "connected to the world" and more time connecting with life.

I found that I spend an exorbitant amount of time on my phone, computer, and in front of the television. At the same time, I have NOT spent nearly enough time with my wife, step-daughter, parents, siblings, and in nature. I think it's a sickness really. An addiction like any other. I feel that the only way to improve is with small steps that lead to bigger changes.

I challenge everyone to reconnect to your life. This is not an attempt to claim "holier than thou" status. I will not judge you if you don't or can't.  Just a simple request to change the way we live together...one small improvement at a time.

I realize this means you may not read my blog as often. I am OK with that if it means a better life for you and those around you. I'm not suggesting that we become hermits and poop in holes we dug with a hand shovel. I'm just saying that maybe it would do us all some good if we take a few moments a day to not be reachable and to enjoy things that we (myself included) overlook or take for granted.

Did the events in Boston precipitate this post? Maybe. Who is to say for sure? I've known I had this problem for a long time, but refused to pay attention. Perhaps it's too late....I certainly hope not!

Here are the changes I hope to implement:

1. Turn off the television for at least an hour a day.
2. Step away from the computer for the same hour.
3. Refuse to check my phone during that time frame.
4. Talk to my wife about her day.
5. Sit outside/Get out in nature.
6. Take a walk....maybe a short hike even.
7. Occupy myself with chores....the house is always in need of a cleaning of some kind.
8. Pet my dogs.
9. Write more (Often I write my first drafts the old fashioned way...in a notebook with ink and paper)
10. Read more!!!
11. Pray (Again....I'm not here to judge or preach. This is MY 12 steps. I won't push my beliefs on you if you promise to do the same for me.)
12. Talk to my family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers more often...IN PERSON. (I'm not the most social person, so this one will be a challenge, but it's time to man up and make a change.)

That is my 12 step plan of action. Feel free to use it...or modify it and make it your own. Or, even delete this if you want....for that matter delete ME as a friend if that is what it takes. No matter what you decide, I hope this makes you think and consider change.

And so it begins. Thank you for listening.
See you in about an hour....maybe!

J. C. Gardiner 4/21/13
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

Downtown Cincinnati Nicknames

As a life long resident of the Northern Kentucky/Greater Cincinnati region, I am pleased to see that Downtown Cincinnati is finally shaping up (it's about time you caught up with NKY....only took a decade or so). The Banks, Horseshoe Casino, parks, restaurants, Great American Ball Park, Paul Brown Stadium,etc, are all very nice and well thought out, BUT the area could use a snazzy/trendy new nickname so that all the hipsters will come spend their hard earned money on craft beers and plastic mustaches on a stick.

BackwardsJeff Regional National Global, LLC (herein referred to as BackwardsJeff) also has maintained a strong presence in the region since it's inception in January of 2012. As a public service, BackwardsJeff has dedicated this post (and roughly 20-30 minutes of SOLID research) to the renaming/nicknaming of Downtown Cincinnati.  We (as if there is really more than one person) also included some thoughts/ideas that may enhance the area and/or some of the businesses.

In the interest of full disclosure, the staff at BackwardsJeff is somewhat bitter about living in the so-called "Greater Cincinnati" region. In my biased opinion, I feel that Northern Kentucky did more, and sooner, to build up the banks of the Ohio River, so perhaps the most fitting name for Downtown Cincinnati would be Northern Northern Kentucky!! I mean, why not? The "Cincinnati Airport" is located in Boone County Kentucky anyway. This only makes sense.

As always, feel free to contact me or share your own thoughts, as BackwardsJeff always encourages creative thinking. And, in typical BackwardsJeff style, you will find plenty of SWEET links, cleverly disguised throughout this post.

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD

• Since it is in the Southern, or "Lower" part of the city, I propose  the "LowDown."
• It used to be that Cincinnati was a ghost town after 5:30 p.m., Eastern time, and everyone was in bed after Jeopardy in "NightGownTown." 
• This is a far cry from Cincinnatis heyday as a hot spot for the sport of Boxing with legends such as Ezzard Charles making his home here. Perhaps this could be remembered by calling the area the "ThrowDown."
  
• If we continue to attract  Aussie's, then an appropriate nickname would be the "DownUnder."
• Alternatively, this could also be known as the "TieMeKangarooDownTown."
• As more "workers" for the "oldest profession" begin to populate the area, how about the "HoDown"?
• With "Toby Keith's - I love the bar and grill" being in town, "HoeDown" could even have multiple meanings (the HoeDown link is to a CLASSIC Bugs Bunny 'toon...it's a personal favorite...check it out)

• Speaking of the explosion of restaurants in the region, perhaps an appropriate nickname could be the "ChowDown"
• Most of the restaurants are also bars, so why not the "Drink_'er_Down?" (credit to my wife, BackwardsDawn, for that one)
• To truly bring the Hipster crowd into the fold, though, we'll need a bunch of thrift shops where they can purchase clothing in "Hand-Me-Downtown."
• If you prefer that your wife, or significant other, is not made aware of your adventures in Cincinnati, then maybe it should be called the "DownLow (DL)." 
• Likewise, you will NOT want to bring your soon to be ex-girlfriend to this area because Breaking Up is Hard to Do, in the "Down_Dooby_Doo_Down_Town."
• The smelly part of the city would need to be referred to as "DownWind." 
• DownWind would likely be located to the east of all the Cincinnati Chili establishments.

• By not passing a law to allow casino gambling, the Commonwealth of Kentucky is really missing out on the opportunity to build a mirror image -including a Horseshoe Casino - of Cincinnati across the river, calling it "DoubleDown." 
• Or even a mirror image turned on it's head called "Upside-DownTown." (BJ Note: this is one of my personal favorites and so it gets a picture. It's my blog, and you aren't the boss of me, so I'll do what I want!!!)

 

Upside-DownTown....coming soon to Newport, KY (except, not really)

THE RHYMING NICKNAMES  (Yeah....like you didn't know this was coming) 

• It is certainly not the intention of this writer to DownPlay the importance any of the existing nicknames play in the city's image. That being said, some of the previously thought up names are sad and DownRight silly. For example, Cincinnati already likes to call itself the "Queen City" so the easiest rhyming nickname for this little slice of the Royal Kingdom would be "CrownTown." 
• Sure there is "The 'Nati" sometimes also known as the "Nasty 'Nati;" however, if we go back to this, BackwardsJeff will be living in "FrownTown." :(
• I've also never understood why Cincinnati is so proud of this "Porkopolis" thing that sometimes is associated with the city, but if they really want to keep with this theme, then how about "SOWnTown?"
• Taking a tip from Cleveland, if the current owner of the Bengals ever left we'd say; "If_it's_Brown,_Flush_it_Down." I realize this isn't really a nickname for an urban area, but this is MY blog...so back off :P
• For BackwardsJeff, though, a more fitting name - based on the politics involved and the length of time the city and county took to get this right - might be "AssClownTown."

BUSINESS IDEAS/ENHANCEMENTS

• If the owners of the Horseshoe Casino REALLY want to fit into the area, they should encourage dealers to bounce from side to side as they "mix" their cards and call it the Ickey Shuffle!!
• Welcome to the Jungle Boogie at all Bengals games with their new theme song in the "GetDownGetDown." Credit again to BackwardsDawn for the inspiration on this one.
• There would need to be a Fondue district. Of course this area would be called "MeltDown."
• For festivals and other events, the Port-A-Potty area NEEDS to be called "DownLoad."
• If nothing else, there really should be a Chris Farley themed hotel where all the beds are shaped like a cargo van, so that you can tell friends and family that you are living in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!! (How has nobody thought of this yet?)

IMPORTANT NOTE: Be careful if you go to the LowDown to ChowDown and Drink_'er_Down before partaking in the HoDown. You may end up in a ThrowDown. Which will require your activities to remain on the DownLow (DL). You and your soon to be ex might also find yourself visiting the Down_Dooby_Doo_Down_Down, where you ultimately end up LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!

TA DA!!!! I hope you all enjoy this crap....

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 03/06/2013
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner) 
BackwardsJeff does not own, or claim to own, any of the picture or video content provided in the links on this or any other page associated with this blog.

Life is ugly.....if you make it that way

I will never claim to be the voice of reason. I'm too silly and try not to take most things too seriously. Like everyone else, I have tried to make sense of today's events. Anger, fear, sadness, disbelief, grief....these are all things I have felt.
I believe, the truth is, there is NO sense in what happened. This was an act of terror perpetrated by a coward who stole the innocence of far too many young people.
We are all too quick to want to shake the finger of blame at someone or something. In reality we may all be to blame.....myself included.
How many times do we fly through life without taking a moment to realize how many amazing things and beautiful people are around us?
I challenge you to hold a door for a stranger, say "please" and "thank you," wave when someone lets you over in traffic, and practice random acts of kindness. Little things can go MUCH further than you can possibly fathom.
Sadly, there is ugliness and evil in this world, there always has been and there always will be, but let's try to focus on the positive things in life, while we remember fondly those who have tragically left us too soon.
Let's learn to accept one another and celebrate our differences. We will NEVER agree on every issue, and that is OK. We can respectfully agree to disagree while we all work together to make this hectic, blink of an eye, we call "Life" more enjoyable.
Most importantly, to see the beauty in life, look around you. Nature is SCREAMING for you to put the cell phone down and enjoy the fresh air. Take in a Special Olympics event....I have...and my life will never be the same. Feed the homeless. Thank a veteran. JUST BREATHE and be alive!!

 Here is something worth reading

Words with......Friends?

It's always lovely to receive your feedback, story ideas and death threats. Many - and by many I mean three or four - have shared your wonderful thoughts with me through email and social networks. I thank you for the kind words.

From time to time, I am asked to take an idea and put my own spin on it. You may recall from way back (yesterday) that I posted my thoughts on certain niche market versions of the 50 Shades book series. In a recent private message my brother, Backwards Rob (a good gob) proposed a unique article idea that fit right into what I am trying to accomplish with this blog: Words With Friends Spin-Offs.

The popularity of online game apps is fairly well chronicled. Even I, much to my chagrin, have been known to indulge in the time and energy zapping world created by the likes of Zynga.

Well, the people (Backwards Rob) have spoken and we (meaning me) here at Backwards Jeff listened. For your reading pleasures, I have compiled a list of, what I believe to be, worth while spin-offs of the wildly popular game, Words With Friends. Explanation first, followed by proposed spin-off in bold, yada yada yada....read on home-piece!!

• Your name is  Alfred Mosher Butts, it's 1938, you invent a board game - Scrabble 
•  

• For your father-in-law, who has everything, and claims to be a better fisherman than he really is - Worms with Friends
•  
• About 10 pounds - Words with Hen Weighs
•  
• Only to be played in a hyperbaric chamber after rising to the surface to fast - Words with the Bends
•  
• If you or someone you know should be institutionalized.....for your own protection - Wards with Friends. IMPORTANT NOTE: This should NEVER be confused with the game you play with your friend who looks a lot like Hugh Beaumont AKA Ward Cleaver with Friends
•  
• Because you miss your dermatologist - Warts with Friends
•  
• To be played sitting on a tuffet....with or without spiders - Curds (and whey) with Friends
•  
• For fans of Jackass - Injured with Friends
•  
• Addicted to Twitter and/or fashion fads? - Words with Trends
•  
• Played on occasion when "the mood" strikes without any strings attached - Words with Friends with Benefits
•  
• Words with Friends with Benefits often turns into Awkward with Friends once one player realizes they have feelings for the other
•  
• EN GARDE!!!! - Swords with Friends
•  
• Fairly self explanatory - Words without Friends (more commonly called "Nerds with Friends"....I play this one often)
•  
• Once your garage is full, floor to ceiling with old newspapers, and other garbage, you refuse to throw away, you move on to - Hoards with Friends
•  
• Hoards with Friends should not be mistaken for Hordes with Friends, which is normally played with torches and pitch forks as you attempt to find and kill the Tar Monster
•  
• Come on BJ, the Tar Monster doesn't really exist, that's just - Absurd with Friends
•  
• Only four letter words can be played - Dirty Words with Friends 
•  
• Dirty Words with Friends is sometimes known in the "Bible Belt" as Words that Offend depending on the level of "Holier than Thou" each player possesses
•  
• In some regions may be referred to as "the phone game" - Overheard with Friends
•  
• A DOUBLE waste of time - Angry Birds with Friends
•  
• Generally associated with my Uncle Ron's wardrobe in the 1970's - Words with Suspenders
•  
• A shout out to my friends and family working at the Sanitation District (SD1) - Turds with Friends
•  
• Play Like a Champion Today - Words in South Bend
•  
• Because you just can't get enough of my awesomeness - Backwards (Jeff) with Friends
•  
• Yo VIP!!  Let's kick it!! - Words to your Mother with Friends
•  
• This one is simply Weird with Friends, but I kept it anyway. When you can't fight the urge to dance to crappy songs - I got the moves like Jaggered with Friends
•  
• Yeah, BJ, that WAS indeed an odd one - I Concur with Friends 
• 
  
• Is this post over yet? - Bored with Friends
•  
• REALLY, DUDE?!? -  Perturbed with Friends
•  
• Make it all the way to the bottom and earn double bonus points - Rewards with Friends
•  
• Mock - YEAH - ing YEAH -Bird - YEAH with Friends
• 
  
• WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?!?! - Cowards with Friends
•  
• I'm not sure, dude, but it sounded like the Tar Monster....why don't you go check it out? - Worries with Friends
•  
• ZOINKS!!! I'm not going alone.....why don't we all go? We can split up into teams - Works with Friends
•  
• We're all going to be just fine - Reassured with Friends
•  
• “Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.” - Self-Worth With Friends
•  
• Hey, you dang Wood Chucks....quit chucking my wood!!! - How Much Wood Would a Wood Chuck Chuck if a Wood Chuck Could Chuck Wood with Friends
•  
• Use it to flavor your meat (impossible to pronounce....harder to spell) - Worcestershire with Friends
•  
• Slurred with Friends (because you were liquored up with friends) which resulted in a field sobriety test Administered with Friends. Which made your Saturday night much Worse with Friends
•  
• Mrs. Roper really knows that Jack isn't gay even though that was a condition of him moving in with Janet & Chrissy - Landlords with Friends
•  
• Meanwhile, down at the old folks home - Shuffleboard with Friends
•  

• Oh that's odd. I thought that would be big news. There seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological  piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety. Oh have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard. - WELL UH......BIRD DIRD BIRD....BIRD IS THE WORD with Friends

SURPRISE! Thank you for reading!

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 11/14/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

50 Shades of........

I'm not one who would normally try to capitalize on the popularity of the latest trends. So when my friend, Ryan G., approached me about a "Backwards Jeff (BJ)" take on the 50 Shades craze, quite frankly, I was offended. I mean, really, me, Backwards Jeff, piggy backing off of the success of the most recent fad? The notion is outlandish.......preposterous even!!

And if you believe any of that first paragraph, you are a bigger fool than I would have been to pass up on the idea. I immediately took note and have been working on it, in the back of my brain, ever since.

The broad popularity of the 50 Shades series is understandable, but I sense that something is missing. I feel that, although the original work appeals to a large, diverse part of the population, there is more money to be made by creating sub categories that may strike a chord with certain niche markets.

If you are new to the site, typically, what I will do is have a brief, silly explanation of the BJ version -usually broken down into categories- followed by the new title, in bold (for emphasis). The list is a bit lengthy, so in order to not waste too much of your time, I will get right into it. To get you in the mood to read this, I suggest a little 50 Shades of Foreplay.

REGIONAL/TRAVEL CATEGORY

• If you are looking to get away for cheap, may I suggest - 50 Shades of Greyhound 
• Or to get away without all of the creepy people sitting too close to you, hop on into - 50 Shades of Chevrolet
• For all of the Packers Fans (like my friend Maggie) - 50 Shades of Green Bay  (Note: these same fans may also like 50 Shades of Clay (Matthews) )
• The ever increasing population of our friends in India might enjoy - 50 Shades of Bombay
• In Japan, those who like cartoons with exaggerated facial features can can speed race into -             50 Shades of Anime
• Cincinnati sports fans can appreciate - 50 Shades of WHO DEY!!!!
• Cincinnati style chili eaters could really sink their teeth into - 50 Shades of Three-Way
• Supporters of the South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs would certainly buy -             50 Shades of Bobby Boucher
• For that guy in your family who can't seem to locate certain cities in California - 50 Shades of Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
• When you're stuck at the airport for HOURS - 50 Shades of Mechanical Delay

FOOD & BEVERAGE

•  Butter substitute enthusiasts from the 1970's will find joy in - 50 Shades of PARKAY
  
•  For those who lost a bunch of weight eating foot long sandwiches with pre-sliced meat - 50 Shades of Subway (eat fresh)
• Little Miss Muffet is the only one who may read - 50 Shades of Curds and Whey
• Part of your well balanced breakfast - 50 Shades of Special K (served with 50 Shades of OJ)
• If you can't eat meat during lent - 50 Shades of Gimme Back that FILLET (o-fish)
•  You go now!! You been here four hours!! - 50 Shades of Chinese Buffet

TELEVISION & FILM

• The main character travels around the country in an 18 wheeler with his best friend "Bear" - 50 Shades of BJ McKay
• If you or someone you know is named; Cartman, Stan, Kyle or Kenny - 50 Shades of Drugs are Bad MmmKay
• What you talkin' 'bout Willis? - 50 Shades of Gary (Coleman) 
• Fan of Eddie Murphy SNL characters? Try - 50 Shades of O'TAY!!
• Dirty Harry just wants a cup of coffee - 50 Shades of Go Ahead....Make My Day!
• Combination of book and popular TV show (you may never see your wife again) - 50 Shades of Grey's Anatomy
• Fat Albert is popular with the ladies - 50 Shades of Hey! Hey! Hey!

HEY! HEY! HEY!

MUSIC

• For the gangsta rapper in you - Fiddy Shades of Grey
• And it's something quite peculiar. Something shimmering and white. - 50 Shades of Under the Milky Way Tonight (that one's for Dawn)
• Business up front....party in the back - 50 Shades of Billy Ray
• House Party - Dance off - 50 Shades of Kid 'N Play

• This post is a bunch of "Dookie" (WARNING: Links to uncensored full album on youtube) - 50 Shades of Green day
• Those who got in late on the MC Hammer phase with lesser known tunes- 50 Shades of We Got to Pray Just to Make it Today
• If you are a Beastie Boys fan, like BJ, you will LOVE - 50 Shades of Back in the Day. There was this Girl Around the Way. She Liked My Home-Piece MCA (Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum)
  
• It's the kind you find in a second hand store - 50 Shades of Raspberry Beret
• Jungle Love....I think I wanna know ya! - 50 Shades of Morris Day

AT THE OLD FOLKS HOME 

• Arts and Crafts hour - 50 Shades of Crochet
• That is the worst comb over I have ever seen - 50 Shades of Toupee
• What is that Smell? - 50 Shades of Ben Gay
• No I think it's more of a feminine scent - 50 Shades of Olay?

RANDOM

• This post is almost over - 50 Shades of YAY! (aka 50 Shades of Hooray!)
• If you are generally working up a sweat parking other people's cars - 50 Shades of Valet
• Freaky looking clowns doing gymnastics - 50 Shades of Cirque du Soleil
• About 10 pounds - 50 Shades of What's a Hen Weigh? 
• For a nice gentle spray of water to cleanse your bottom - 50 Shades of Bidet
• A statement made out of court that is offered in court as evidence to prove the truth of the matter asserted -50 Shades of Hearsay
• Can't get enough of my awesome blog posts? - 50 Shades of BJ
• You are a frustrated Jewish reader, you say? - 50 Shades of Oy Vey!! (a favorite phrase for BJ)
  
• For the Spanish speaker with many unanswered questions - 50 Shades of Por Que?
• If you think the world ended 12 years ago because of a computer glitch - 50 Shades of Y2K
• This post has soooooooooooo been done before BJ - 50 Shades of Cliché
• My response to your previous statement - 50 Shades of Touché 
• Seriously....I am done - 50 Shades of Calling it a Day 

O'TAY!!!

 I had a feeling you wouldn't get the hint that I wanted you to leave - 50 Shades of Overstay

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 11/13/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
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Twitter - @BackwardsJeff