Don't Check Your Brain (along with your bag)

Nearly six years of this life o' mine was spent polluting my lungs with jet exhaust employed as a ramp agent/ramp trainer, or "rampee" if you will, for a regional airline. An enjoyable bit of existence for the most part.  Many friends were made.  Countless good times were had. I could fill 40 blogs with stories of the crazy things people do when they enter airport property, but alas I have but one blog. As you might surmise this is written with a below wing flair.  But I welcome comments and stories from my above wing counterparts.

Having been an airline employee, I am of the opinion, that I have the authority to speak as the worlds foremost expert in travel common sense*.  Therefore I've devoted this post to some handy tips and helpful suggestions that you may find useful as you rip through the clouds. So, please, the next time YOU travel don't check your brain when you check your bag.

What follows is a list of Good Ideas and Bad Ideas for air travel (many of these are based on real life events):

-Good Idea = Arrive early allowing plenty of time to navigate security and find your gate.

-Bad Idea = Arrive at the airport with 100 lbs of marijuana in your SUV. Run from the police. Jump a fence onto the tarmac. Shut down flight activity as a result of the security breech you've created.

-Good Idea = Give yourself plenty of time between connecting flights.  Perhaps bring along a book to read or stop and enjoy lunch in a new city.

-Bad Idea = Only give yourself 15 minutes to connect from your originating flight in Mumbai. Threaten to sue everyone wearing an airline uniform (plus the custodial staff). Almost get arrested. Make the other 49 people who actually showed up on time late to their connecting flights.

-Good Idea = Wear sensible shoes.  You may find them comfortable as well as useful when you are making your way to a connecting flight with limited time or knowledge of the airport layout.

-Bad Idea - Wear fury hooker boots with six inch heals.  Hooker boots are not ideal footwear for running through an airport terminal....even if you DO think it makes you look hot.....it most likely does not.

-Good Idea = Smoke in designated smoking areas.

-Bad Idea = Light up a cigarette standing next to a cart used to pump highly flammable jet fuel into aircraft.....sitting on top of millions of gallons of jet fuel coursing it's way underground to other awaiting aircraft.

-Good Idea = Have an adult beverage if you are nervous.

-Bad Idea = Get sh*#faced at an airport bar after taking a handful of pills. Scream at gate agent because he/she closed the boarding door ON TIME rather than wait for you. Find a door that leads to the ramp. Set off a security alarm. Shut down the entire airport until the police locate you. Spend the night in jail.

-Good Idea = Listen closely to any and all announcements by airport personnel and read all signage. If you are unable to hear, politely ask the agent to repeat the message.

-Bad Idea = Fall asleep with your ear buds in. Wake up to the realization that people around you are boarding. End up in Hartford, CT when you were supposed to be in Jacksonville, FL.

-Good Idea = Keep medicines you need to sustain life close to your person.  The pocket of your jacket, for example, may offer quick access in the event of an emergency. 
-Bad Idea = Forget your jacket containing prescription bottle on inbound aircraft from Canada. Inform airline personnel of your predicament. Fail to mention that Rx bottle contains crack rocks. Go to prison for international drug trafficking after airport police and/or DEA discover you've taken this flight multiple times in recent months.

-Good Idea = Pack a carry-on bag with supplies for at least one night (i.e. change of clothes including undergarments, medicines that you need to live, any toiletries that help you avoid smelling like a garbage truck).

-Bad Idea # 1 =  Pack everything you own, including all of your sensible shoes, into three bags that weigh 50+ pounds each. Spend the night sleeping in your hooker boots in the Hartford, CT airport while the rest of your belongings are in Jacksonville.

-Bad Idea # 2 = Argue with TSA about how your bag will fit in the overhead bin.  Argue with gate agent about how your bag will fit in the overhead bin. Argue with ramp agent about how your bag will fit in the overhead bin. Argue with the flight attendant about how your bag will fit in the overhead bin. Throw temper tantrum as you begin to realize your bag will NOT fit in the overhead bin. This usually results in either:

a) Spending the night in jail and losing your children to child protective services.

or

b) Breaking the overhead bin causing the flight to cancel  for yourself and the 49 other passengers trying to get home to Jacksonville thanks, in part, to the mechanical issue you've created. Sleep, if you can, in an uncomfortable chair - with metal arm rests - keeping one eye open to monitor the 49 people contemplating your murder.

(Airline Trick: we'll blame the cancellation on the weather in JAX so that we don't have to pay for your rooms)

-Good Idea = Check the weather conditions in all of the cities on your itinerary. Dress accordingly. This is an important lesson to learn if you intend to fly North.....and it happens to be winter.

-Bad Idea = Seriously STOP playing Angry Birds for a second and check the #@$%^& weather!!!!  If it's February and you are in Miami it may very well be sunny and 80 degrees. BUT, in Cincinnati there is a good chance it's 14 degrees, without the wind chill, and there is a strong possibility of ice or snow. 

Leaving Miami wearing flip flops, a mini skirt and a tank top might have seemed like a reasonably good idea, but standing out on the ramp waiting for your plane side valet bag in that same attire in a Cincinnati winter = pneumonia.

-Good Idea = Understand that regional jets are an important part of the airline network. Especially when considering service to smaller markets.

-Bad Idea = Have a meltdown once the realization sets in that your flight to Fort Wayne, Indiana will commence on a 50 seat aircraft. The seating chart online shows the actual # of seats on your flight. FYI....a 767 has more than fifty seats AND there isn't more than one "car." It's an airplane not a coal driven locomotive Hercule Poirot!!

BREAKING NEWS: Fort Wayne, Indiana (FWA) is NOT an international gateway. Most airlines are not going to fly you, and/or the 14 other farmers who live near you, back home in an Airbus A380.

-Good Idea = Consider inclement weather a cleansing of Mother Earth and revel in the natural beauty which God hath displayed before you.

-Bad Idea = Grant interview with local television affiliate whereby you make yourself look like a hill billy.  Please understand that airline employees want you to leave as much, if not more, than you want to go.  However, pilots, ramp agents, flight attendants, gate agents and the like are generally unwilling to risk their lives so that you can make it home in time for the Golden Girls marathon on Hallmark.

-Good Idea = Frequently visit Backwards Jeff's blog.  If you enjoy what you read I would appreciate it if you'd; comment, share, tell your friends and family, name your first child after me, etc.

-Bad Idea = Send Backwards Jeff death threats, burning bags of dog poop (Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop), hooker boots, or any package intended for Jerome Simpson.

NOTE:  This one is for my homeys working at the airport - who got laid off - I take my shades off - if you look straight in my eyes you might still see a disguise (thank you to Outkast - feat. Killer Mike - for those lyrics).  Outkast - The Whole World

*Yes it's true that I worked for an airline for nearly 6 years and have never flown in my life.**

**Yes I do understand aerodynamics and that I am more likely to die as a result of being kicked in the head by a donkey, but I choose to stay on the ground......where I am almost always (71%) in control of my bodily functions. 

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/21/2012
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