Here is Honey Poo Poo

Dear Friends:

I don't normally take to the bloggisphere to complain. Generally, (not to be confused with the General Lee....which was simultaneously one of the most awesome, yet blatantly racist, TV relics of all time, but I digress) this space is reserved for silliness and general tomfoolery; however, there is something weighing heavily on me this evening. Something that I need to get off of my chest. That something, is my general disdain for the new TLC show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, AMERICA??!!

Is this seriously happening? Am I dreaming OR do we really live in a world where a seven year old who drinks a mixture of Red Bull and Mountain Dew (a drink supplied by her mother no less) is getting great ratings on TV?!? I am astonished, practically speechless, and befuddled.....(YES, even befuddled).

How is it that this kind of nonsense made it on the airwaves?  The proposal for this show should have ended with the network executives using it for toilet paper and/or to light their expensive Cuban cigars.

Meanwhile, back at my secret hideout, I can't even snag the attention of an agent willing to work with me? Not that my work is perfect, but I feel as though my story about the lifelong relationship between a girl and her grandmother, beats the crap out of this disgusting piece of trash.

The popularity of this show shouldn't come as a complete surprise, I suppose. After all, we are the same people who have watched Dr. Phil, an overweight divorcee, provide relationship and dietary advice....right? We are also the same people who made Jerry Springer a star. (Jerry Springer once tried to pay a prostitute with a bad check)

I wonder, at times, whether it is even worth my time and energy to follow my dream and try to be a writer. I wonder whether I should share my work with a world who would prefer to watch a seven year old, and her pregnant teenaged sister, play a game where they attempt to guess who is standing in front of them, by smelling one another's breath.

Sooner or later Honey Boo Boo's heart will explode from all of the sugar, caffeine, and cholesterol she is consuming and that will be the tragic end to this gem. Until then, we will continue to rubberneck at this train wreck of a show, all the while fantasizing that our pathetic lives are not nearly as messed up as hers.

While I will argue until my last breath the need for freedom of speech, and support this shows right to be on television, I have to wonder if we are not allowing, or even championing, the "Wal-Marting of America." Watch if you will, but remember that your brain cells could be used for much greater purposes.

Honestly, I can't believe I just threw away a good hour or so of my time writing about this garbage. I am now ashamed of myself : (

That is all........Carry on!!

Peace on you,

ffeJ SdrawkcaB

p.s. If you would like to learn about something/someone truly worth knowing about, check out this young woman's story.  Lydia's Story Not only was she kicked, beaten, raped, sprayed with bleach, then set on fire by a man who had killed before....NOT ONLY did she jump naked from a second story apartment, run to an ambulance, have a stroke....and TO THIS DAY still is relearning how to speak, BUT she stood face to face with her attacker in court and proceeded to forgive him, because, in her words, she chooses love and peace over fear!! I am not ashamed to admit this brought a tear to my eye when I first saw it. Bravo Lydia!!

Watch Lydia speak here: Live Your Days Inspired Anew (Lydia)
RIP Kenia Monge


Copyright J.C. Gardiner 8/22/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
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Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner) 

I hate Q!

Startled from my weekend slumber, I found myself in a bit of a quandary. How is it that the letter Q is so easy to say, but so hard to use in a word? This is the question I pondered.
You would suspect that a one syllable letter would be more useful in the English language. Think again my friend!!
For your viewing pleasures, I have compiled a list of reasons why I hate Q.

1. 99.9% of words that include the letter Q also reQuire a letter U. Q can't just go it alone. In my repertoire, one of the few Q words that does not include a U is "Qi." To be fair, I only know the word Qi because it works in Words with Friends.
2. Capital Q looks like an unfinished gender symbol. I think Prince once considered changing his name to Q, but thought better of it.
3. And what about cursive capital Q?!?!. It looks like the number two. What are you, damn Q, a number or a letter?!? (See Image)
4. Even little Q is just a little G wanna be.
5. Q is responsible for the pop Quiz.
6. My last speeding ticket was thanks, in part, to the police Quota.
7. Plain and simply, Q is a QUITTER!!!!

Cursive Q or Number 2 ?!?

 I suppose it's not all bad. There are a few things, throughout history, that Q has done to earn a place in the alphabet. Q is royalty.....and in more ways than one.

1. In literal terms, Q is the Queen, ruling all the land.
2. Q is also Rock 'n' Roll royalty: The Sex Pistols offered "God Save the Queen" and the band "Queen" not only brought you classics, such as; "Fat Bottom Girls" and "We Will Rock You," but also made it OK for hairy chested men to wear a unitard on stage.
3. Thanks to the word Quotation, Q has it's own "hand signal." Often "air Quotes" are used by the Quick-witted and Quirky blog author....and even made an "appearance" in an episode of "Friends."
4. Quoth the Raven Nevermore.

Perhaps I shoUld rethink my initial statement. I wonder if U is what is dragging Q down. U is a leach of a letter. My reasons are as follows (I am too Upset to even nUmber them):

• U opens Umbrellas in the hoUse.
• U will try to hook Up with yoUr girlfriend of foUr years. 
• U knows how mUch wood a wood chUck woUld chUck if a wood chUck coUld chUck wood.
• U pUkes all over yoUr new PUmas after an UnsUccessfUl attempt to defeat the 72 oUncer.
• U borrows your trUck to move a coUch and brings it back with no fUel, reaking of bUrrito farts.
• U gets drUnk and spends time in the coUnty lock Up after being haUled in for pUblic Urination.
• U Uses the last of the Charmin Ultra toilet paper (with aloe) and leaves the empty tUbe.
• U doesn't flUsh.
• U passed oUt in yoUr bath tUb wearing yoUr Incredible HUlk Underpants as a shower cap.
• U wakes Up, sratches his bUtt, bUrps, brUshes his mUllet, then eats all of the LUcky Charms.....they're magically delicioUs.
• U doesn't give a flying FU&#!!!!
• U knocked Up yoUr yoUnger sister, then makes yoU an Usher at their shotgUn wedding. 
• U now carves the Thanksgiving tUrkey at yoUr parents hoUse.
• When yoUr mother tUrns her back, U gives you a pUrple nUrple then pokes yoU in the gUt like the PillsbUry DoUghboy.
• YoU are the one who gets in troUble after letting loose a string of cUss words that woUld make Larry Flint blUsh. 
• Later, U gradUates SUma CUm LaUde from NYU and cUrrently is the Director of SUper Bowl PUblicity for BUdweiser. U drives a JagUar.
• U didn't even offer yoU tickets to the game.
• U is Unapologetic, 
• Despite it all, yoUr mother still woUld like yoU to be more like U.

Upon further review, Q is not the one to hate after all....I HATE U!!!!


NOTE: This is the kind of crap I wake up thinking about after my four year old nephew makes me watch Leap Frog Alphabet DVDs.


Copyright J.C. Gardiner 8/22/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
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Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

210 (the reason(s) I have been quiet)

While submitting my manuscript for Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop, I came across some interesting advice from one agent. She said, that if you expected to be successful as an author, you'd better read, A LOT, in the genre you want to write in. Specifically, she proposed the number 200 for Children's books.
Admittedly, I almost choked when I thought about how long it might take me to get through that many books. I didn't even know if there were 200 Children's books worth reading. Mostly, though, I really didn't want to spend that amount of time away from writing, either the blog, or my next try at a book.I finally came to the conclusion that I did, indeed, need to find out more about the business, starting with reading at least 200 books.
So In January, of this year, I walked myself right into the Kenton County Public Library (KCL) in Erlanger, KY. I used to love going to the library when I was still in school. It always felt like I was swimming in knowledge and history. In recent times, however, I had gotten away from the habit and had not been in quite a few years. I know this doesn't seem like a huge deal to some, but to me, it's a pretty big accomplishment.
With some help from a Librarian friend (thank you Denise V.) who recommended some great authors, I was able to discover that this IS what I wanted to do. It became pretty clear, fairly quickly, that not all Children's books were boring, or rhyme, or are counting/alphabet books. The good news, for me at least, was that I could write in this genre and still be my same silly self.
So, six months (nearly to the day) after I set the goal to read 200+ Children's books, I achieved success today. I had actually set my goal slightly higher at 210, because I liked that number better. The time frame wasn't as important as the number, although, I thought it would take about three times as long. I even kept a data base, complete with links to the publisher's Web sites.
I still plan to continue my reading and research, but I think my friends at the KCL drive-thru will be much happier to see me from now on. After all, 15 books is a lot to carry from the customer holding area to the window. I imagine that the people waiting behind me will also be much happier as well.
There are some AMAZINGLY talented authors. I truly enjoyed reading their work. I hope to, one day, earn that same kind of respect and admiration from a up and coming writer.

My favorites?

AUTHORS (just to name a few):
-Doreen Cronin
-Mo Willems
-Karma Wilson
-Nick Bruel
-Lane Smith
-Karen Kaufman-Orloff
-Keiko Kasza
-Anna Dewdney
-Mary Jane Auch
-Tammi Sauer
-Kelly DiPucchio
-Marilyn Sadler (who was # 200 and, by total chance, is from the same Greater Cincinnati area I reside in)
-Kara LaReau
-Dav Pilkey
-David Shannon

BOOKS/STORIES?
-Click Clack Moo
-Walter the Farting Dog (there are 5 books in the series)
-Zombie in Love
-It's a Book
-Bad Kitty
-Diary of a Worm
-Diary of a Spider
-The Plot Chickens
-I Wanna Iguana
-Pass It On!
-Don't Let Pigeon Drive the Bus! (Pigeon books are hilarious....the pigeon is even on twitter)
-Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale
-Animal Strike at the Zoo
-Duck for President
-Badgers Fancy Meal
-Llama Llama Red Pajama
-The Cow Loves Cookies
-Me Want Pet
-David Gets in Trouble


Copyright 2012 J.C. Gardiner
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

Imagination is More Important than Vocabulary

Albert Einstein said - “Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.”

One of the most inspiring things I have ever heard. Especially when taking into consideration the man who spoke the words. This phrase - the first sentence of it anyway - I first saw on a poster in college. It stopped me dead in my tracks. These were the words I had been unknowingly searching for to this point of my life. I don't recall my reaction, but it's been more than a decade, and this quote still makes me stop and think every time I hear it or read it.

This one sentence - six words - has inspired me for many years to think beyond what I know, or at least believe, is real and examine everything with a curious eye. In literal terms, I still see the same things others do, just with a slight twist sometimes. Some might call me warped or demented. I prefer to believe that I just think differently, or outside of the box if you will.

"What's your point, Jeff," you ask? Good question.

One thing I have learned recently is that, for me at least, imagination is more important than many things. In the context of this blog, I wanted to bring up something that has been bothering me for quite some time. My personal belief that Imagination is More Important than Vocabulary. 

I have found this to be true for my style of writing. I write to see the emotion in the faces of those who read my words. It may be a smile. I hope it's uncontrollable laughter. Perhaps even to remind them of the things or people who have made a difference in their lives, and encourage them to never give up on their dreams.

I have a dictionary. I have a Thesaurus. I have a copy of the AP Style Book. I even have a rhyming dictionary. I could dazzle you would words that would baffle even the fine folks at Merriam-Webster. I choose not to. 

Did you know that the average American adult reads on an 8th or 9th grade level? Why would anyone, myself included, want to read a story where we would have to Google search every other word in order to understand what is happening?

Maybe I will never be a New York Times Best Selling Author, I may never even get published. One thing I know fore sure, however, is that I can stir emotion in people if I can place my words in the proper order and use good timing to catch them off guard.

To put it another way, if I were a painter, I could buy all of the best brushes and every paint color known to man, but if I didn't know how to manipulate the colors on the canvas, can I really call myself an artist? Think about it.

Copyright 2012 J.C. Gardiner

backwardsjeff@gmail.com
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Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop (The Story)

Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop

By:  Jeff Gardiner

Part I

Her palms became sweaty, Her heartbeat was steady

Living blessings far as eyes could see

It was hard to believe that on this, Christmas Eve

She’d soon become “Grandma Marie.”

Every Minute felt like an hour long

Time was slowly ticking away

When out of thin air her eldest declared;

“It’s a girl!  She’ll be called Maddy Mae!”

As you might surmise, it was no surprise

When she and Maddy became closest friends

They’d watch cartoons, take a cat nap at Noon,

And talk till daylight came to an end.

Maddy learned much, about manners and such

Even that colds could be healed with hot soup

But what stuck in her mind, which is funny, you’ll find

Was that “Poop spelled backwards is poop!”

“Learn from your past.”  Was the lesson taught last.

And “never give up in the fight.”

“There will be struggles at times.  This I know for a fact.

In the end we’re all better despite.”

Part II

Soon came a day Maddy heard her mom say

“I understand;” As she hung up the phone

It didn’t take long to know something was wrong

She could tell from her mother’s tone.

With a look so sincere mommy spoke through her tears

In a voice with a notable shake

“We’ve worked so hard for all these years,

Why can’t WE ever catch a break?!?

“Recession, recession you’ve taught us your lesson

How have I been such a fool?”

This confused Maddy lots ‘cause SHE’D always thought

That recess was the BEST part of school.

Having heard enough gloom Maddy skipped to her room

In typical Maddy Mae style.

She flopped on her bed with her hands on her head

Determined to make her mom smile.

Then with a quick burst Maddy sprung from her perch.

“I’ve got an idea!” She exclaimed.

She flew past her mom, grabbed a pen and a pad

And was gone as quick as she came.

Back to her bed, this time lying instead

She began writing her Mommy a note

Maddy chuckled and snorted as she scribbled her words

And this is what she wrote:

“Mommy, I love you! I always will!

More than dolphins love jumping through hoops!

Grandma Marie says it’s so. I thought you’d like to know

That poop spelled backwards is poop!”

With excited feet Maddy jumped down from her seat

To show her Mommy what she had done.

It was certain in the battle of Mom vs. Sad

Maddy Mae had undoubtedly won.

Still as a stone, writing a note of her own

Tear stained and with trembling hands.

Asked what made her so blue, her Mom softly replied;

“My dear, I’m afraid you won’t understand.”

“Try me!” She said plopping down on a chair.

“You might be surprised what I’ve learned.”

Then she rolled up her sleeves, put her chin in her hand

And listened with utmost concern.

“Maddy, you’ve won my heart, now my trust as well

So I’ll share what has happened today.

Grandma Marie has been ill for a while

And I worry she may soon pass away!

Your Father has been working his job so hard

I know this was his biggest fear.

He wanted to spend more time with HIS Mom.

This is the last thing he’ll want to hear.”

Maddy unfolded the note. With a lump in her throat

She said “I wrote this especially for you.”

“I was hoping to see you happy again

Maybe I should write one for Daddy too!”

Tears of sorrow turned to laughter and joy

When her Mom read what Maddy had penned

“I’m so glad you’re here ‘cause it’s abundantly clear

That you my child, are a true Godsend.”

With amazement and pride her mom grinned wide

At this angel wise beyond her age of nine.

“Writing Daddy a note is a wonderful idea.

When you’re finished you can help me with mine!”

Out of nowhere Maddy leapt from her chair

And flashed through the house like a light

Tapping her pen on her pad she thought of her Dad

Then feverishly began to write.

“Daddy, I love you! I always will!

More than ice cream with more than one scoop!

I don’t know if you know that I know it is so,

That Poop spelled backwards is Poop!”

Part III

Much time had gone by and her mom wondered why

Maddy hadn’t emerged from her chore

“Writers block perhaps or an afternoon nap”

She wondered as she opened the door.

What a sight for sore eyes, and a pleasant surprise

For which Maddy’s Mom wasn’t prepared

Calm as a tree and on bended knees

Maddy Mae’s hands were folded in prayer

“Hello God! I hope you are well.

It’s your friend Maddy Mae checking in.

So much has happened since the last time we spoke

I’m not really sure where to begin.”

“I’m so sorry it’s late, but I appreciate

All of the wonderful things that you do

But as you probably know, it’s normally so

That I’ll need from you a favor or two.”

“I know that money doesn’t grow on trees

But it’s harder to save than I thought.

And I’m not really sure who this “Bill” person is,

But we obviously owe him a lot!”

“So, if need be I will happily

Take my piggy bank down from its shelf.

And though I’m not quite ten I could also chip in

By getting a part time job for myself.”

“Last but not least there’s my Grandma Marie

Who has taken a turn for the worst.

To know her I’ve been blessed. So my only request,

Is above all else you watch over her first.”

Then with an Amen Maddy opened her eyes

To an audience with tear soaked cheeks.

Fully immersed in the devotional verse

Stood her mother unable to speak.

Not saying a word Maddy strode ‘cross the room

A determined look on her face.

She grasped her Mom’s hands, pulled her down to her size

And offered a loving embrace.

The day couldn’t have been better.  She helped Mom with her letter

Which included a Maddy Mae poem.

They marked “special delivery for Grandma Marie”

And would visit when daddy got home.

Hours went by next to Grandma Marie’s side

Until visiting time ceased for the night.

The three implored as they reached for the door

For Grandma to hang on with all of her might.

Grandma Marie smiled foreknowingly

Then asked to speak with her Granddaughter alone.

She brushed the hair from Maddy’s face

And said, “My child how quickly you’ve grown.”

“You remind me of myself when I was a girl,”

Her Grandma Marie continued on.

“I’m not done fighting yet, but you’d better bet

That I’ll be with you even after I’m gone.

Part V

Fifteen years had passed since Grandma Marie’s last

Maddy recalled pleasant thoughts in her head.

Time surely had flew, but she had so much to do

For in a few hours she and Danny would be wed.

For this bride to be it was a guarantee,

As undeniable was her love

On her special day she KNEW Grandma Marie

Watched over her from above.

When the service was drawing to a close

Danny gazed into Maddy Mae’s eyes

“I hope you’re not mad, but your Mom and your Dad

Helped me prepare a special surprise.”

Danny reached inside the pocket

Of his rented tuxedo coat,

He unfolded his vows, wiped the sweat from his brow

Turned to Maddy and cleared his throat.

“Maddy I love you!! Forever I will!!

You make my heart go loop-di-loop!

No matter how old we grow, it will always be so

That Poop spelled backwards is Poop!!”

The Church fell silent for a moment

You could have heard a termite sneeze

All seemed bleak ‘til Danny kissed her cheek

And said “Maddy say something, please!!”

Briefly she appeared to be motionless

Then her eyes began to search

Their guests all glanced like she were in her underpants,

Alone at the front of the church.

The first sound to emerge was a giggle

She tried to bottle her emotions inside

But the next thing she knew all the guests giggled too

And before long she laughed until she cried.

The Bride and Groom smiled as they rushed down the aisle

Giving high fives along the way.

Abruptly they stopped before leaving the church,

Maddy spun and proclaimed “I’ve got something important to say”.

“Life is hard, at times even unfair

But the key to a happily ever after

Is to pray like you mean it, love your family and friends

And save room in your heart for laughter.”

“And one final thought.  Something Grandma Marie taught.”

Maddy paused and looked over the group

“If you take one thing away, from our special day,

Remember that Poop spelled backwards is poop!!!”

Copyright November 2, 2011

(Registration # TXu 1-776-875) 

Copyright meaning I can sue if you steal this  : )

For Dawn and Jordan + Mom and Dad

Copyright 2012 J.C. Gardiner

backwardsjeff@gmail.com
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Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

Top 10 Reasons to Like/Dislike Canada

This is a quick one....only posting it because, counting the three drafts I have, there were a total of 18 posts.  And I have some sort of weird phobia (not in my phobias post from earlier) about the # 18....don't judge me!!


LIKES

10. James Naismith is Canadian.  He invented basketball.
9.   Ryan Reynolds is from Canada....
8.   as is Michael J. Fox
7.  About 9% of the worlds renewable water supply is controlled by Canada.
6.  Canadian beer has more alcohol.
5.  Hockey, at least the modern version, was created in Canada.
4.  There is a huge population of bears.
3.  They pretty much let us have Alaska.
2.  Did I mention Hockey?
1.  They put up with all kinds of crap from their noisy neighbors to the South.

DISLIKES

10. It's cold up in that joint.
9.  They say "eh" too much.
8.  Uh..........Nickelback is Canadian.
7.  Their dollars aren't all the same color........
6.  but their dimes are the same basic size and shape as an American dime and STILL won't work in a vending machine.
5.  How can such a peaceful country have invented a violent sport like hockey?
4.  They chose the Beaver as their national icon....Over the Grizzly Bear?  Really?
3.  I don't speak French.
2.  Canadian Bacon is just weird.
1.  They have yet to visit my blog according to my stats.

I'd say it's pretty much a draw.

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/26/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
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Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

Newly Discovered Phobias

My fears of heights and flying are fairly well chronicled. Most of the undiagnosed anxiety issues I suffer from, however, are not. That being said, this post is meant to entertain and not intended to make light of real fears.

So grab your teddy bear, or your lucky rabbit's foot, and have your mommy look under your bed as I reveal a list of newly discovered things to be concerned about.
The list is not all inclusive.  I'm certain that many more pages could be filled. Regrettably someone else was in need of the computer.....so I published.

If you take nothing else away from this post at least check out the link to Pillsbury's web site at the very end....in a word ......awesomeness.  

There are some fairly simple phobias that don't require much explanation:

Kobia - Fear of arrogant, pompous ass NBA stars who cheat on their wives.

Afrobia - Fear of crazy cool hair like, Joy of Painting's, Bob Ross.

Earlobeia - Fear of Mike Tyson's teeth. (sometimes called VanGoghbia)

Strobia - Fear of rapidly flashing lights and/or RAVE parties.

Rowrowrowbia - Fear of crappy old nursery rhymes.

Heigh-hobia - Fear of going off to work.

Adobia - Fear of PDF files.

GoldenGlobia - Fear of Hollywood hyped award ceremonies.

Sayitain'tsobia - Fear of music by Weezer .

Nairobia - Fear of the capital of Kenya.

Michelangelobia - Fear of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles....in particular the one known as a "party dude."

Mobia - Fear of Captain Ahab (known in some parts of the world as Thar'sheblowbia).

Flowbeea - Fear of vacuum attached hair trimming accessories....as seen on TV.

Some phobias even sound very similar in nature, but certainly are not:.

Rastaphobia - Fear of Jamaicans, steel drums, tie dye, and Bob Marley.

Pastaphobia - Fear of spaghetti, linguini, bow ties, al dente etc.

Rastapastaphobia - Come on....did you really think there was such a thing as rastapastaphobia?!?

Infobia - Fear of dialing 411.

Nymphobia - I'm not going to explain this one....if you don't know "google" it (with your parents permission).

There are more complex phobias that are, at times, confused with the more widely recognized and accepted phobias. For example:

Claustrophobia is well known as the fear of small or confined spaces. SantaClaustrophobia is something entirely different and usually is referred to by it's other name....which I cover later in this post.

Myrmecophobia, the fear of ants, is sometimes mistaken for fear of my mom's sister, crazyauntfranobia.

Astraphobia, the fear of thunder and lightning has, on occasion, been erroneously called Astrophobia, which would be the fear of George Jetson's dog (aka Rastrophobia).

Selacophobia is the fear of sharks, but in France this is better known as JacquesCousteaubia.

Agoraphobia, the fear of open spaces or of being in crowds, is pretty common.  While AlGoreaphobia, or the fear of politicians who claim to have invented the internet, is not as well known. In addition, TipperGoreaphobia, is close in nature to AlGoreaphobia, but deals primarily in the censorship of music and parental advisory labels.  Dee Snider of Twisted Sister and Jello Biafra, former front man of the Dead Kennedys, are known to have suffered from TipperGoreaphobia.

Ophidiophobia is the fear of snakes, but sounds a lot like Oldvideophobia, which would be the fear of bad 80's music videos on MTV like Turning Japanese by The Vapors

Trypanophobia is the fear of injections. Tryptophanophobia is the fear of Thanksgiving Dinner.

Arachnephobia, of course, is the fear of spiders. Which closely matches the name most frequently associated with the fear of male chauvinists who don't know how to compliment a woman, NiceRacknephobia.

Finally I present to you a few phobias that, some might say are borderline absurd. These will likely result in a lot of head shaking on the part of my mother and father (this is where I shine):

Cooliobia - Fear of a slide slide slippity-slide with switches on the block in a '65.

TimTebowbia - Fear of the media exploiting a news story and beating it into the ground.

LetitsnowLetitsnowLetitsnowbia - Fear of Christmas carols.

HomeDepotbia - Fear of doing it yourself.

DrivingTooSlowbia - Fear of getting stuck behind church, or Golden Corral, traffic.

EdgarAllenPoebia - Fear of nevermore. (Quoth the Raven)

Don't-tase-me-brobia - Fear of electric shock at the hands of The University of Florida Police (particularly during political speaking engagements).

InspectorClouseaubia - Fear of the Pink Panther.

It'stheendoftheworldasweknowbia - Fear of REM songs - for most people, although afflicted with this condition, you feel fine.

LakeOkeechobeea - Fears of large Floridian bodies of water.

HoHoHobia - Fear of Santa Claus (told you it had a different name).....also may be applicable to the Jolly Green Giant of vegetable fame.

Two-turn-tables-and-a-microphobia - Fear of where its at!!!

LarryCurlyandMoebia - Fear of stooges.

Did-you-ever-know-that-you're-my-herobia - Fear of wind beneath your wings.....and Bette Midler.

Qdobia - Fear of burritos made "Subway Style."  In downtown Cincinnati this may also be referred to as BurritoJoebia (that one's for my wife...Dawn Marie).

Analprobia - Fear of abduction and "inspection" by aliens.

Cameltoebia -Fear of pants that are too snug in the "midsection."

She-hit-the-flo'bia - Fear of "Shorty Gettin' Low."(bia)

Pillsburydoughbia - Fear of iconic advertising mascots. Dancing Doughboy....Seriously....Click Here

If you enjoy what you see here please leave me a comment, share on social network sites or send me an e-mail to backwardsjeff@gmail.com

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/26/2012 

backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

Stats Haiku

Big in the Ukraine!
Four hundred and fifty views!
Backwards Jeff = GLOBAL!!

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/26/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner) 

Good Idea/Bad Idea - Consumer Edition

In a surprise move, I'm not going to fill this intro with a bunch of blah, blah, blah nonsense. We've all encountered situations such as the ones described herein.  Maybe at the mall.  In the drive-thru. While at the grocery store, movie theater or gas station. Those annoying people who seem to be dispatched to get in our way when we're trying to get errands accomplished. We're a nation of consumers.....please consume responsibly.

- Good Idea -  Purchase convenience store items at a convenience store.
- Bad Idea - Go to a drug store.  Look back and forth between cigarettes and cashier a minimum of a dozen times. Chew on your tongue like it's a piece of juicy fruit. Ignore me behind you attempting to buy sinus medicine and Swedish Fish (2 for $7) before work. Finally ask cashier how much it is for a pack of Marlboro Lights. *GASP*....as if his answer took the breath out of you.  Pay with crisp $100 bill. Fail to realize the irony of buying a carcinogen in a drug store.

- Good Idea - Closely control the dietary content you allow into your body.
- Bad Idea - Block the entire aisle with your cart.  Read ingredients on every single bag of rice. Walk away not buying rice. (Even Uncle Ben rolled his eyes)
NOTE: Generally the main ingredient in rice...is RICE!!!

- Good Idea - Avoid shopping at Wal*Mart if you don't like crowds full of weird people - some of whom you've known since childhood (same rule applies to "fests" as in: Oktoberfest, Mayfest, Sausage Fest, etc.).  This especially is important around the Christmas shopping season.
- Bad Idea -Bring a multi-generational caravan to the Wal*Mart by Backwards Jeff's house. Drive slowly, yet erratically, past my driveway as I attempt to exit. Stare at me, drool dripping from your partially opened mouth, as you pass by....."oh look at the guy who lives in the house near Wal*Mart....maybe he'd like to exit his driveway."
Solution: Don't go to Wal*Mart.....especially the one near my house.

- Good Idea - Paying with a check is still acceptable....especially if you are a member of the AARP.  Filling in important information on the check such as date, store name, and signature before seeking out a cashier will keep the line behind you running smoothly.
- Bad Idea -Watch the cashier ring up all of the two-liters and cat litter. Wait for total. Dig through your purse to find the check book. Start to fill out check. Pause to ask part time high school student working register what the date is. Cashier calls the manager over. Nobody realizes that the check book itself usually includes three years worth of dates, the receipt is time stamped and you're standing next to a display full of kitten calendars.

- Good Idea - Should you find yourself with 15 items or fewer, by all means take your rightful place in the 15 items or fewer lane. Even grab a sixteenth item, a key chain flashlight or US Weekly for example, while you patiently wait your turn.
- Bad Idea - Employee your husband and three children as cart pushing decoys.  Fill five (5) carts with exactly 15 items each- for a total of 75 items. Pretend that you don't know one another in 15 items or fewer line. Retrieve check book from your purse, ask what the date is, pass the check book to your eleven year old daughter in line behind you.

- Good Idea -In a pinch use the automated teller machine (ATM) to accomplish any urgent banking transactions. It's fast and you may not even have to interact with anyone.
- Bad Idea - Ignore the line forming behind you. Make a deposit. Make a withdrawal (using an ATM envelope that nobody else in the free world has a use for). Buy stamps. Change your pin. Roll forward seven feet. Apply lip gloss. Call your friend(s) to make dinner plans. Throw car in reverse to retrieve receipt and debit card - still in machine. Get angry at the driver behind you for having the nerve to pull forward to take his/her turn.Unleash a string of profanity. Squeal tires on your Honda Accord exiting the bank lot. Find yourself in traffic school....again.

- Good Idea - Take shelter from inclement weather inside your favorite wholesale club, hardware store or marketplace.
- Bad Idea # 1 - Ask soggy teenager in full rain gear if he/she "has any dry carts." Did you not just come in from the parking lot where Noah's descendants have begun constructing another ark? Have you failed to take note of the other 8,000 people with nothing better to do who, oh by the way, also require carts? Dry carts are most frequently associated with DRY WEATHER!!
- Bad Idea # 2 - Having cleared the shelves of bread, milk and bottled water, perch yourself -holding an umbrella - in front of the entrance so that other would be shoppers can neither enter nor exit the building. Moving out into the parking lot may allow for carts to be brought into the building to begin the process of becoming dry. It may also provide for a more clear escape route in the event of an emergency situation such as a fire or an anthrax attack. But, it's a widely held belief that avoiding frizzy hair is a much more important concern.

- Good Idea - Offer to be the designated lunch picker upper for your co-workers. What a wonderful way to maintain a happy work environment. Often times this will result in a free meal for the "flyer."
- Bad Idea - Pull into Arby's drive-thru with a spiral bound, three subject notebook filled with orders for the entire office. Twenty minutes later, inch closer to the pay window behind all of the other over-sized black sport utility vehicles. Listen to the voice of the drive-thru order taker echo off the hood of the car behind you as you have not left enough room for them to pull forward far enough to order for fear of scratching the paint on your Lincoln Navigator.

- Good Idea - Paste links to Backwards Jeff's blog in and on FaceBook, important office e-mails, other people's lunch bags, your children's homework and PINTREST. Increase the water cooler chatter about how witty and awesome these posts are.
-  Bad Idea - Ask me for a dry cart.

You now have a voice friends!! The next time you are consuming and someone "gives you the business", think of your old pal, Backwards Jeff and have a laugh, or a drink, on me.  You're welcome!  ; )

Feel free to vent, or share your own stories, in my comments field.

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/22/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)

Don't Check Your Brain (along with your bag)

Nearly six years of this life o' mine was spent polluting my lungs with jet exhaust employed as a ramp agent/ramp trainer, or "rampee" if you will, for a regional airline. An enjoyable bit of existence for the most part.  Many friends were made.  Countless good times were had. I could fill 40 blogs with stories of the crazy things people do when they enter airport property, but alas I have but one blog. As you might surmise this is written with a below wing flair.  But I welcome comments and stories from my above wing counterparts.

Having been an airline employee, I am of the opinion, that I have the authority to speak as the worlds foremost expert in travel common sense*.  Therefore I've devoted this post to some handy tips and helpful suggestions that you may find useful as you rip through the clouds. So, please, the next time YOU travel don't check your brain when you check your bag.

What follows is a list of Good Ideas and Bad Ideas for air travel (many of these are based on real life events):

-Good Idea = Arrive early allowing plenty of time to navigate security and find your gate.

-Bad Idea = Arrive at the airport with 100 lbs of marijuana in your SUV. Run from the police. Jump a fence onto the tarmac. Shut down flight activity as a result of the security breech you've created.

-Good Idea = Give yourself plenty of time between connecting flights.  Perhaps bring along a book to read or stop and enjoy lunch in a new city.

-Bad Idea = Only give yourself 15 minutes to connect from your originating flight in Mumbai. Threaten to sue everyone wearing an airline uniform (plus the custodial staff). Almost get arrested. Make the other 49 people who actually showed up on time late to their connecting flights.

-Good Idea = Wear sensible shoes.  You may find them comfortable as well as useful when you are making your way to a connecting flight with limited time or knowledge of the airport layout.

-Bad Idea - Wear fury hooker boots with six inch heals.  Hooker boots are not ideal footwear for running through an airport terminal....even if you DO think it makes you look hot.....it most likely does not.

-Good Idea = Smoke in designated smoking areas.

-Bad Idea = Light up a cigarette standing next to a cart used to pump highly flammable jet fuel into aircraft.....sitting on top of millions of gallons of jet fuel coursing it's way underground to other awaiting aircraft.

-Good Idea = Have an adult beverage if you are nervous.

-Bad Idea = Get sh*#faced at an airport bar after taking a handful of pills. Scream at gate agent because he/she closed the boarding door ON TIME rather than wait for you. Find a door that leads to the ramp. Set off a security alarm. Shut down the entire airport until the police locate you. Spend the night in jail.

-Good Idea = Listen closely to any and all announcements by airport personnel and read all signage. If you are unable to hear, politely ask the agent to repeat the message.

-Bad Idea = Fall asleep with your ear buds in. Wake up to the realization that people around you are boarding. End up in Hartford, CT when you were supposed to be in Jacksonville, FL.

-Good Idea = Keep medicines you need to sustain life close to your person.  The pocket of your jacket, for example, may offer quick access in the event of an emergency. 
-Bad Idea = Forget your jacket containing prescription bottle on inbound aircraft from Canada. Inform airline personnel of your predicament. Fail to mention that Rx bottle contains crack rocks. Go to prison for international drug trafficking after airport police and/or DEA discover you've taken this flight multiple times in recent months.

-Good Idea = Pack a carry-on bag with supplies for at least one night (i.e. change of clothes including undergarments, medicines that you need to live, any toiletries that help you avoid smelling like a garbage truck).

-Bad Idea # 1 =  Pack everything you own, including all of your sensible shoes, into three bags that weigh 50+ pounds each. Spend the night sleeping in your hooker boots in the Hartford, CT airport while the rest of your belongings are in Jacksonville.

-Bad Idea # 2 = Argue with TSA about how your bag will fit in the overhead bin.  Argue with gate agent about how your bag will fit in the overhead bin. Argue with ramp agent about how your bag will fit in the overhead bin. Argue with the flight attendant about how your bag will fit in the overhead bin. Throw temper tantrum as you begin to realize your bag will NOT fit in the overhead bin. This usually results in either:

a) Spending the night in jail and losing your children to child protective services.

or

b) Breaking the overhead bin causing the flight to cancel  for yourself and the 49 other passengers trying to get home to Jacksonville thanks, in part, to the mechanical issue you've created. Sleep, if you can, in an uncomfortable chair - with metal arm rests - keeping one eye open to monitor the 49 people contemplating your murder.

(Airline Trick: we'll blame the cancellation on the weather in JAX so that we don't have to pay for your rooms)

-Good Idea = Check the weather conditions in all of the cities on your itinerary. Dress accordingly. This is an important lesson to learn if you intend to fly North.....and it happens to be winter.

-Bad Idea = Seriously STOP playing Angry Birds for a second and check the #@$%^& weather!!!!  If it's February and you are in Miami it may very well be sunny and 80 degrees. BUT, in Cincinnati there is a good chance it's 14 degrees, without the wind chill, and there is a strong possibility of ice or snow. 

Leaving Miami wearing flip flops, a mini skirt and a tank top might have seemed like a reasonably good idea, but standing out on the ramp waiting for your plane side valet bag in that same attire in a Cincinnati winter = pneumonia.

-Good Idea = Understand that regional jets are an important part of the airline network. Especially when considering service to smaller markets.

-Bad Idea = Have a meltdown once the realization sets in that your flight to Fort Wayne, Indiana will commence on a 50 seat aircraft. The seating chart online shows the actual # of seats on your flight. FYI....a 767 has more than fifty seats AND there isn't more than one "car." It's an airplane not a coal driven locomotive Hercule Poirot!!

BREAKING NEWS: Fort Wayne, Indiana (FWA) is NOT an international gateway. Most airlines are not going to fly you, and/or the 14 other farmers who live near you, back home in an Airbus A380.

-Good Idea = Consider inclement weather a cleansing of Mother Earth and revel in the natural beauty which God hath displayed before you.

-Bad Idea = Grant interview with local television affiliate whereby you make yourself look like a hill billy.  Please understand that airline employees want you to leave as much, if not more, than you want to go.  However, pilots, ramp agents, flight attendants, gate agents and the like are generally unwilling to risk their lives so that you can make it home in time for the Golden Girls marathon on Hallmark.

-Good Idea = Frequently visit Backwards Jeff's blog.  If you enjoy what you read I would appreciate it if you'd; comment, share, tell your friends and family, name your first child after me, etc.

-Bad Idea = Send Backwards Jeff death threats, burning bags of dog poop (Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop), hooker boots, or any package intended for Jerome Simpson.

NOTE:  This one is for my homeys working at the airport - who got laid off - I take my shades off - if you look straight in my eyes you might still see a disguise (thank you to Outkast - feat. Killer Mike - for those lyrics).  Outkast - The Whole World

*Yes it's true that I worked for an airline for nearly 6 years and have never flown in my life.**

**Yes I do understand aerodynamics and that I am more likely to die as a result of being kicked in the head by a donkey, but I choose to stay on the ground......where I am almost always (71%) in control of my bodily functions. 

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/21/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)

Translation of Mom's e-mail

She is going to punch me in the face for posting this, but I am pretty sure she knows I don't REALLY think this is true.

Below is an e-mail from my mom followed by my "translation" reply to the family.....I love giving her a hard time....she's great though and a good sport.  : )

Love ya Mom!!!!

FROM MOM:

Hi everyone,

We are having the cook out this Monday for Memorial Day.  I guess we will try to eat about 4:00 p.m. or so.

Dad is thinking that we will skip breakfast on Sunday since we are eating on Monday.

We will get the papers and give them to you on Monday.

Is that okay with everyone?  Love ya, Mom/Jan

MY TRANSLATION:

 

Hi everyone (except Jeff),

We are having the cook out this Monday for Memorial Day.
We are going to tell you we will eat at 4 then call you 100 times when we start eating at 330 and you aren't there yet.

Dad is thinking that we will skip breakfast on Sunday since we are eating on Monday. (Subliminal insert - everyone is still welcome for breakfast we just don't want Jeff to show up)
We will get the papers and give them to you on Monday. (We will rotate all of the good coupons into your paper and stick the ones for shampoo and stuff that is expired into Jeff's paper....as we normally do)
Is that okay with everyone? 
Love ya (except for Jeff),
Mom/Jan

(Just kidding Mom relax I know I'm not the favorite but I've accepted this). : )

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/20/12
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff20/2012
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)

My Wife is Awesome!!!!

That's all....just that....this is my blog and I will do what I want so : P
(and now maybe she will stop bugging me to post about how awesome she is)

Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/19/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)  

Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop (The Story Behind the Story)

You read it right. Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop!!!  Why would you make such a statement, Backwards Jeff?  Good question.  I'm glad you asked.
Flashback to 1979 where a young Backwards Jeff and his classmates were tasked with conceptualizing a story/poem about a random picture.  Whether the picture was selected for us or self chosen I can not say.  I also can not say why some of this is written in third person.  But that's not important to this post.
As for the time of year, it must have been fall.  My reason for saying this is that my inspiration was a small card with a witch flying on a broom.  Almost like a Valentine with a Halloween flavor.
Although not entirely certain of the exact wording, I remember the poem posing the question to the witch as to "why she cried when she would fly so high in the sky?" That short verse won an award....my first award for anything as I recall.  More importantly the first award for anything I wrote.
Through the grade school years memories of creative writing assignments are scattered about.  A personal favorite was to add captions to photographs.
Third or fourth grade was when local radio station Q102 aired a holiday song providing a theme for my second notable writing sample.  The song: Frosty the Hit Man. My version of the poem, by the same name, added a few humorous lines in the best way a grade school boy could.  Interestingly, even as a nine year old, I remember being afraid that I might be sued for copyright infringement.  Surprisingly, it was a hit with my fellow students, along with my favorite teacher of all time, Ms. Kathleen "Kat" Handley.
Dreams of becoming a motocross superstar when I grew up went away over the years.  Mostly because my parents would NEVER have let me own a motorcycle (which is a good thing considering my bad luck). A more realistic dream, that has remained constant through the years, took it's place. That was writing professionally.   Poems, horror stories, funny articles, whatever took shape on paper.
Writing is an escape from reality.  Writing is a way for me, the socially awkward man that I am, to move people with genuine emotion.  Sometimes it's laughter, sometimes it's tears, others it's a call to action.  Most of the time it's all of the above and more.
Eight years after starting college at Northern Kentucky University I received my Bachelor of Arts Degree in Journalism.  The Hope was to use my love for writing to make an honest living.  Probably around year five or 6 of that eight year journey it became apparent that I had built up an irrevocable disdain for the profession I was attempting to join. Gone were the days of carrying the pencil and notepad...replaced by the blood lust for being FIRST to report....even if some of the details were missed or inaccurate.
Imagine my disappointment when the realization set in that writing was not going to pay my bills.  Reluctantly I joined the work force and put aside any dreams of writing professionally.
That dream never completely died though.  It was still very much alive inside of me, but merely sleeping.  Over the years I would periodically pen funny stories for my closest friends and relatives.  Mostly for my own amusement and not anything I'd share with the masses. They'd usually tell me that I'd missed my calling, but I blew this off as some sort of obligation so as not to hurt my feelings.  I never thought much of it until recently. 
Some of the hardest days I have ever lived have come in the last three years.  Things I had never expected to deal with, or thought I'd deal with much later in life, began to surface all at once.  Life altering events....some good some not so good.  To say it was overwhelming doesn't begin to describe how painful it was or how lonely it felt.  Suffocation, drowning, helpless, nightmarish are close, but are still not strong enough descriptive words.
While wallowing in my own self-pity it suddenly occurred to me that, although not ideal, the conditions presented to me would be much less frightening if I slowed down and looked around.  In this moment it became clear that: a) there were people who had it much worse than me and b) I was surrounded by an AWESOME support group of friends and family.  Slowly the lights around me became brighter.  The air I breathed suddenly smelled and tasted cleaner. The negativity started melting away.
It was also in this moment that a note written by my youngest niece rekindled the fire to become a published author.  In that note she wrote to her mom about how she wanted to spend more time together.  She also joked that her dad smelled like poop....and that Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop.
Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop? (light bulb).....a book idea was born.  I spent about a year, off and on, scribbling rhyming verse into a spiral bound three subject notebook.  Originally what was intended to be humorous, became an emotion packed story about the relationship between a young girl and her grandmother.  It even took me by surprise, but I loved it.
It never occurred to me that I would write a "children's story."  Those who know me know I am very cynical and a hard core smart ass.  My normal writing style tends to follow those personality traits. But, in that story, I uncovered a passion for something new.....children's literature.
On Christmas Eve 2011 a letter arrived in the mail.  A letter from the Copyright Office within the Library of Congress.  Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop became the first copyrighted work by Jeff C. Gardiner.  It still gives me chills.
In the few months that have ensued I've begun the process of seeking representation for my work.  The process has proven to be much more daunting than anticipated.  I've also begun to research the industry and reading as many picture books as the library will allow me to check out.  It has become a full time job....one that doesn't pay, but is more enjoyable than the one that does.
You might think it's easy to write for children. Let me tell you that it most certainly is not. Honestly, I think it might be less stressful to enter into the adult fiction world. Agents representing this type of work tend to be few and far between and rarely take on new clients.  Plus there are some VERY talented authors such as; Doreen Cronin (my current favorite), Mo Willems, and Karma Wilson, who occupy the attention of much of the market.  Weird Al has a book or two and even Jamie Lee Curtis enters the market with some regularity. : )
Much of the thanks must go to my parents. My dad is a man that cares very deeply and is very funny, but doesn't want anyone to know how great he is. My mom is overly modest and one of the nicest people you'll ever know.  She's also responsible for my love of writing.  Mixing the two personalities makes for an interesting view point on life that I hope translates into honest, heart-felt literary context. With any luck, and with the grace of God, an agent and/or publisher will agree.
I do not anticipate becoming millionaire, or even a thousandaire.  I also don't expect to be a Caldecott Honor Award winner or a New York Times Best Seller.  Seeing my last name on the spine of my own creation in a library or book store would be awarding enough.
I've heard that this is a very long and lonely road I am walking down.  Wish me luck as I begin my travels.


Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/19/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB -  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)