I will never claim to be the voice of reason. I'm too silly and try not to take most things too seriously. Like everyone else, I have tried to make sense of today's events. Anger, fear, sadness, disbelief, grief....these are all things I have felt.
I believe, the truth is, there is NO sense in what happened. This was an act of terror perpetrated by a coward who stole the innocence of far too many young people.
We are all too quick to want to shake the finger of blame at someone or something. In reality we may all be to blame.....myself included.
How many times do we fly through life without taking a moment to realize how many amazing things and beautiful people are around us?
I challenge you to hold a door for a stranger, say "please" and "thank you," wave when someone lets you over in traffic, and practice random acts of kindness. Little things can go MUCH further than you can possibly fathom.
Sadly, there is ugliness and evil in this world, there always has been and there always will be, but let's try to focus on the positive things in life, while we remember fondly those who have tragically left us too soon.
Let's learn to accept one another and celebrate our differences. We will NEVER agree on every issue, and that is OK. We can respectfully agree to disagree while we all work together to make this hectic, blink of an eye, we call "Life" more enjoyable.
Most importantly, to see the beauty in life, look around you. Nature is SCREAMING for you to put the cell phone down and enjoy the fresh air. Take in a Special Olympics event....I have...and my life will never be the same. Feed the homeless. Thank a veteran. JUST BREATHE and be alive!!
Here is something worth reading
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Words with......Friends?
It's always
lovely to receive your feedback, story ideas and death threats. Many -
and by many I mean three or four - have shared your wonderful thoughts
with me through email and social networks. I thank you for the kind words.
From
time to time, I am asked to take an idea and put my own spin on it. You
may recall from way back (yesterday) that I posted my thoughts on
certain niche market versions of the 50 Shades book series. In a recent
private message my brother, Backwards Rob (a good gob) proposed a unique
article idea that fit right into what I am trying to accomplish with
this blog: Words With Friends Spin-Offs.
The
popularity of online game apps is fairly well chronicled. Even I, much
to my chagrin, have been known to indulge in the time and energy zapping
world created by the likes of Zynga.
Well, the people (Backwards Rob) have spoken and we (meaning me) here at Backwards Jeff listened. For
your reading pleasures, I have compiled a list of, what I believe to
be, worth while spin-offs of the wildly popular game, Words With
Friends. Explanation first, followed by proposed spin-off in bold, yada yada yada....read on home-piece!!
- Your name is Alfred Mosher Butts, it's 1938, you invent a board game - Scrabble
- For your father-in-law, who has everything, and claims to be a better fisherman than he really is - Worms with Friends
- About 10 pounds - Words with Hen Weighs
- Only to be played in a hyperbaric chamber after rising to the surface to fast - Words with the Bends
- If you or someone you know should be institutionalized.....for your own protection - Wards with Friends. IMPORTANT NOTE: This should NEVER be confused with the game you play with your friend who looks a lot like Hugh Beaumont AKA Ward Cleaver with Friends
- Because you miss your dermatologist - Warts with Friends
- To be played sitting on a tuffet....with or without spiders - Curds (and whey) with Friends
- For fans of Jackass - Injured with Friends
- Addicted to Twitter and/or fashion fads? - Words with Trends
- Played on occasion when "the mood" strikes without any strings attached - Words with Friends with Benefits
- Words with Friends with Benefits often turns into Awkward with Friends once one player realizes they have feelings for the other
- EN GARDE!!!! - Swords with Friends
- Fairly self explanatory - Words without Friends (more commonly called "Nerds with Friends"....I play this one often)
- Once your garage is full, floor to ceiling with old newspapers, and other garbage, you refuse to throw away, you move on to - Hoards with Friends
- Hoards with Friends should not be mistaken for Hordes with Friends, which is normally played with torches and pitch forks as you attempt to find and kill the Tar Monster
- Come on BJ, the Tar Monster doesn't really exist, that's just - Absurd with Friends
- Only four letter words can be played - Dirty Words with Friends
- Dirty Words with Friends is sometimes known in the "Bible Belt" as Words that Offend depending on the level of "Holier than Thou" each player possesses
- In some regions may be referred to as "the phone game" - Overheard with Friends
- A DOUBLE waste of time - Angry Birds with Friends
- Generally associated with my Uncle Ron's wardrobe in the 1970's - Words with Suspenders
- A shout out to my friends and family working at the Sanitation District (SD1) - Turds with Friends
- Play Like a Champion Today - Words in South Bend
- Because you just can't get enough of my awesomeness - Backwards (Jeff) with Friends
- Yo VIP!! Let's kick it!! - Words to your Mother with Friends
- This one is simply Weird with Friends, but I kept it anyway. When you can't fight the urge to dance to crappy songs - I got the moves like Jaggered with Friends
- Yeah, BJ, that WAS indeed an odd one - I Concur with Friends
- Is this post over yet? - Bored with Friends
- REALLY, DUDE?!? - Perturbed with Friends
- Make it all the way to the bottom and earn double bonus points - Rewards with Friends
- Mock - YEAH - ing YEAH -Bird - YEAH with Friends
- WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?!?! - Cowards with Friends
- I'm not sure, dude, but it sounded like the Tar Monster....why don't you go check it out? - Worries with Friends
- ZOINKS!!! I'm not going alone.....why don't we all go? We can split up into teams - Works with Friends
- We're all going to be just fine - Reassured with Friends
- “Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.” - Self-Worth With Friends
- Hey, you dang Wood Chucks....quit chucking my wood!!! - How Much Wood Would a Wood Chuck Chuck if a Wood Chuck Could Chuck Wood with Friends
- Use it to flavor your meat (impossible to pronounce....harder to spell) - Worcestershire with Friends
- Slurred with Friends (because you were liquored up with friends) which resulted in a field sobriety test Administered with Friends. Which made your Saturday night much Worse with Friends
- Mrs. Roper really knows that Jack isn't gay even though that was a condition of him moving in with Janet & Chrissy - Landlords with Friends
- Meanwhile, down at the old folks home - Shuffleboard with Friends
- Oh that's odd. I thought that would be big news. There seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety. Oh have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard. - WELL UH......BIRD DIRD BIRD....BIRD IS THE WORD with Friends
 |
| SURPRISE! Thank you for reading! |
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 11/14/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
50 Shades of........
And if you believe any of that first paragraph, you are a bigger fool than I would have been to pass up on the idea. I immediately took note and have been working on it, in the back of my brain, ever since.
The broad popularity of the 50 Shades series is understandable, but I sense that something is missing. I feel that, although the original work appeals to a large, diverse part of the population, there is more money to be made by creating sub categories that may strike a chord with certain niche markets.
If you are new to the site, typically, what I will do is have a brief, silly explanation of the BJ version -usually broken down into categories- followed by the new title, in bold (for emphasis). The list is a bit lengthy, so in order to not waste too much of your time, I will get right into it. To get you in the mood to read this, I suggest a little 50 Shades of Foreplay.
REGIONAL/TRAVEL CATEGORY
- If you are looking to get away for cheap, may I suggest - 50 Shades of Greyhound
- Or to get away without all of the creepy people sitting too close to you, hop on into - 50 Shades of Chevrolet
- For all of the Packers Fans (like my friend Maggie) - 50 Shades of Green Bay (Note: these same fans may also like 50 Shades of Clay (Matthews) )
- The ever increasing population of our friends in India might enjoy - 50 Shades of Bombay
- In Japan, those who like cartoons with exaggerated facial features can can speed race into - 50 Shades of Anime
- Cincinnati sports fans can appreciate - 50 Shades of WHO DEY!!!!
- Cincinnati style chili eaters could really sink their teeth into - 50 Shades of Three-Way
- Supporters of the South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs would certainly buy - 50 Shades of Bobby Boucher
- For that guy in your family who can't seem to locate certain cities in California - 50 Shades of Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
- When you're stuck at the airport for HOURS - 50 Shades of Mechanical Delay
- Butter substitute enthusiasts from the 1970's will find joy in - 50 Shades of PARKAY
- For those who lost a bunch of weight eating foot long sandwiches with pre-sliced meat - 50 Shades of Subway (eat fresh)
- Little Miss Muffet is the only one who may read - 50 Shades of Curds and Whey
- Part of your well balanced breakfast - 50 Shades of Special K (served with 50 Shades of OJ)
- If you can't eat meat during lent - 50 Shades of Gimme Back that FILLET (o-fish)
- You go now!! You been here four hours!! - 50 Shades of Chinese Buffet
- The main character travels around the country in an 18 wheeler with his best friend "Bear" - 50 Shades of BJ McKay
- If you or someone you know is named; Cartman, Stan, Kyle or Kenny - 50 Shades of Drugs are Bad MmmKay
- What you talkin' 'bout Willis? - 50 Shades of Gary (Coleman)
- Fan of Eddie Murphy SNL characters? Try - 50 Shades of O'TAY!!
- Dirty Harry just wants a cup of coffee - 50 Shades of Go Ahead....Make My Day!
- Combination of book and popular TV show (you may never see your wife again) - 50 Shades of Grey's Anatomy
- Fat Albert is popular with the ladies - 50 Shades of Hey! Hey! Hey!
 |
| HEY! HEY! HEY! |
MUSIC
- For the gangsta rapper in you - Fiddy Shades of Grey
- And it's something quite peculiar. Something shimmering and white. - 50 Shades of Under the Milky Way Tonight (that one's for Dawn)
- Business up front....party in the back - 50 Shades of Billy Ray
- House Party - Dance off - 50 Shades of Kid 'N Play
- This post is a bunch of "Dookie" (WARNING: Links to uncensored full album on youtube) - 50 Shades of Green day
- Those who got in late on the MC Hammer phase with lesser known tunes- 50 Shades of We Got to Pray Just to Make it Today
- If you are a Beastie Boys fan, like BJ, you will LOVE - 50 Shades of Back in the Day. There was this Girl Around the Way. She Liked My Home-Piece MCA (Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum)
- It's the kind you find in a second hand store - 50 Shades of Raspberry Beret
- Jungle Love....I think I wanna know ya! - 50 Shades of Morris Day
AT THE OLD FOLKS HOME
- Arts and Crafts hour - 50 Shades of Crochet
- That is the worst comb over I have ever seen - 50 Shades of Toupee
- What is that Smell? - 50 Shades of Ben Gay
- No I think it's more of a feminine scent - 50 Shades of Olay?
RANDOM
- This post is almost over - 50 Shades of YAY! (aka 50 Shades of Hooray!)
- If you are generally working up a sweat parking other people's cars - 50 Shades of Valet
- Freaky looking clowns doing gymnastics - 50 Shades of Cirque du Soleil
- About 10 pounds - 50 Shades of What's a Hen Weigh?
- For a nice gentle spray of water to cleanse your bottom - 50 Shades of Bidet
- A statement made out of court that is offered in court as evidence to prove the truth of the matter asserted -50 Shades of Hearsay
- Can't get enough of my awesome blog posts? - 50 Shades of BJ
- You are a frustrated Jewish reader, you say? - 50 Shades of Oy Vey!! (a favorite phrase for BJ)
- For the Spanish speaker with many unanswered questions - 50 Shades of Por Que?
- If you think the world ended 12 years ago because of a computer glitch - 50 Shades of Y2K
- This post has soooooooooooo been done before BJ - 50 Shades of Cliché
- My response to your previous statement - 50 Shades of Touché
- Seriously....I am done - 50 Shades of Calling it a Day
 |
| O'TAY!!! |
I had a feeling you wouldn't get the hint that I wanted you to leave - 50 Shades of Overstay
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 11/13/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Saturday, November 3, 2012
HR Job Descriptions (Translated to plain English)
NOTE: What follows is satire, parody, sarcasm, etc. Please remember that this is a joke and not meant to cause anyone or any entity harm. :)
Searching for a job is hard work. We all know the frustrations. You send out 40,000 resumes and, if you're lucky, you hear back from three of the companies. In my experience, possibly one of the worst parts is sorting through all of the garbage that HR people write to pump up the job and/or company in the hopes of making it seem like their position posting is the BEST in the history of jobs!!
If you are a frequent visitor to Backwards Jeff, you likely recall I have said in the past that, "imagination is more important than vocabulary." I firmly believe that, in order to be truly effective as a writer, it is more important to be able to string words together in a meaningful manner, rather than to simply WOW people (or more realistically bore them to sleep) with big words. If a painter knows a lot of color names, or can differentiate between them, but simply makes a mess on a canvas, does that make him/her a good painter? I think not.
That being said, I have found that HR people, who in many cases do not do the job they are interviewing for (and never have), use large, seemingly complex, "Corporate" words to try to sell their opening to prospective job seekers. My initial thought is.......STOP IT!! Please just tell me what the damn job is and what I will be doing so that I can quickly decide if I qualify and/or if I want to send you my resume. Why does this have to be so difficult?!?!
For your enjoyment, I have taken a real life job description for the position of "Department Trainer" - from a well known "career building" Web site - and put into plain English what, I feel, the publisher is trying to say - BJ version in RED text. I even included/modified the company (who is nameless for legal reasons) description of itself at the end....in case you aren't asleep and want to read more.
If this goes over well it may become a recurring post. I hope you enjoy!! Please see below:
DEPARTMENT TRAINER (DEPARTMENT TRAINER)
NOTE: BJ used to be a "Certified Trainer" in the airline business so he feels qualified to speak on this subject.....and in the 3rd person.
The Department Trainer researches, plans,
organizes, and conducts training programs in the assigned department by
performing the following duties.
(blah blah blah this is mostly a load of hose crap)
• Conducts needs assessment, including conferring with management and staff, to identify specific skill/knowledge gaps, training objectives, work situations, and changes in policies and procedures. (You will speak with the people who also work here, including your boss, to determine, what we are doing wrong, how we fix it, work situations -which sort of seems out of place in this sentence - and make changes to the rules.)
• Researches course content. (Google how other companies do stuff...steal their good ideas...claim we spent R & D money on this....use R & D money to go to "conference" in Vegas.)
• Develops and maintains course curriculum and instructional programs. (Make Power Point presentations and Hand Outs.)
• Designs, creates, and updates training aids, such as manuals, handouts, course exercises, and visual aids. (Basically, the same things we just said in the previous point; however, management would not approve this job listing without another bullet point or two....they thought this might make our company look better and attract top notch talent.)
• Facilitates classroom training. (Stands in front of people showing Power Points and distributing hand outs. Occasionally, yell at those who are falling asleep, texting or updating their FaceBook status in class.)
• Confers with department supervisors to identify additional training needs, as required for new staff. (Again, same thing we said in the first point. This is just an extra, unnecessary, bullet point to make the job seem "sexier" according to management.)
• Evaluates effectiveness of training and modifies programs as needed. (Checks FaceBook status on phone while your class takes a test. Grades test. Changes questions on test periodically so that if we hire friends and family of current employees they can't cheat.)
• Schedules training room, arranges equipment, and prepares physical set-up, as needed. (Argues with other departments about how you signed out the projector first and they need to use the older one that sometimes doesn't work. Also fight over whether or not you DID schedule this room online for this date and time....you even hung signs for class participants to locate you....which you now see in the garbage next to the room thief.)
• Maintains training attendance records. (Put stuff in a filing cabinet. Sometimes, successfully use a three whole punch to store papers in a three ring binder. File Abe's papers that are six months old.)
• Responds to individual employee training issues on an as needed basis. (Fix things that are wrong. Listen to trainees whine about why they can't or won't do something. Find Ross P. (this guy was one of my first trainees....seriously) when he can't figure out how to navigate back to the classroom after lunch.)
• Maintains current knowledge of organizational and industrial trends and makes appropriate recommendations for new or updated training programs. (Go to Continuing Education, often called "Train the Trainer," classes. Remove old papers from file cabinets and binders and replaces them with new ones so that the governing bodies, such as; the FAA and/or TSA, don't fine the company.)
The successful candidate will possess a High School Diploma or general education degree (GED) and a minimum of 4 years relevant experience or an equivalent combination of education, training, and experience. Knowledge of organizing and planning techniques; office practices and procedures; computer operation; and word processing, spreadsheet, presentation and database software; basic knowledge of relevant legal process; ability to identify department training needs; develop and present training materials; observe, compare, or monitor employee behavior to determine compliance with prescribed operating standards; present a positive image to the public; and effectively engage adult learners. (WORD JUMBLE (everyone do a shot)....if you can BS your way through a resume and phone interview, we will call you in for an in person interview. We will then ask you questions like: "tell us about a time when you disagreed with your boss. How did you handle this situation?" and "Tell us about a time when you went above and beyond your normal job duties to exceed a customer's expectations." We might even bust out a: "What are your Strengths?" or "What are your weaknesses?" Followed by a: "What makes you a great fit for Unnamed Company?" Most of these questions can be found in "Interviews for Dummies" and are tired, old, and really don't tell us anything about you because everyone answers in the same fashion; HOWEVER, we will judge you based on your reply and then give you the "are you crazy" test. You will hear from us in 4-6 weeks.....presumably after you have either found another job, went back to your old employer, or are suffering from malnutrition as a result of living for a month and a half on crackers and generic peanut butter.)
If you share in our philosophies and are seeking a challenging and exciting opportunity with a growing organization, we invite you to learn more about us at www.itookouttherealcompanyname.com. (If you can pretend to drink the Kool-Aid and are ready to do the work that used to be the work of three people in a company where there are more VPs than there are bathrooms, please, for the love of GOD, visit our Web site)
• Conducts needs assessment, including conferring with management and staff, to identify specific skill/knowledge gaps, training objectives, work situations, and changes in policies and procedures. (You will speak with the people who also work here, including your boss, to determine, what we are doing wrong, how we fix it, work situations -which sort of seems out of place in this sentence - and make changes to the rules.)
• Researches course content. (Google how other companies do stuff...steal their good ideas...claim we spent R & D money on this....use R & D money to go to "conference" in Vegas.)
• Develops and maintains course curriculum and instructional programs. (Make Power Point presentations and Hand Outs.)
• Designs, creates, and updates training aids, such as manuals, handouts, course exercises, and visual aids. (Basically, the same things we just said in the previous point; however, management would not approve this job listing without another bullet point or two....they thought this might make our company look better and attract top notch talent.)
• Facilitates classroom training. (Stands in front of people showing Power Points and distributing hand outs. Occasionally, yell at those who are falling asleep, texting or updating their FaceBook status in class.)
• Confers with department supervisors to identify additional training needs, as required for new staff. (Again, same thing we said in the first point. This is just an extra, unnecessary, bullet point to make the job seem "sexier" according to management.)
• Evaluates effectiveness of training and modifies programs as needed. (Checks FaceBook status on phone while your class takes a test. Grades test. Changes questions on test periodically so that if we hire friends and family of current employees they can't cheat.)
• Schedules training room, arranges equipment, and prepares physical set-up, as needed. (Argues with other departments about how you signed out the projector first and they need to use the older one that sometimes doesn't work. Also fight over whether or not you DID schedule this room online for this date and time....you even hung signs for class participants to locate you....which you now see in the garbage next to the room thief.)
• Maintains training attendance records. (Put stuff in a filing cabinet. Sometimes, successfully use a three whole punch to store papers in a three ring binder. File Abe's papers that are six months old.)
• Responds to individual employee training issues on an as needed basis. (Fix things that are wrong. Listen to trainees whine about why they can't or won't do something. Find Ross P. (this guy was one of my first trainees....seriously) when he can't figure out how to navigate back to the classroom after lunch.)
• Maintains current knowledge of organizational and industrial trends and makes appropriate recommendations for new or updated training programs. (Go to Continuing Education, often called "Train the Trainer," classes. Remove old papers from file cabinets and binders and replaces them with new ones so that the governing bodies, such as; the FAA and/or TSA, don't fine the company.)
The successful candidate will possess a High School Diploma or general education degree (GED) and a minimum of 4 years relevant experience or an equivalent combination of education, training, and experience. Knowledge of organizing and planning techniques; office practices and procedures; computer operation; and word processing, spreadsheet, presentation and database software; basic knowledge of relevant legal process; ability to identify department training needs; develop and present training materials; observe, compare, or monitor employee behavior to determine compliance with prescribed operating standards; present a positive image to the public; and effectively engage adult learners. (WORD JUMBLE (everyone do a shot)....if you can BS your way through a resume and phone interview, we will call you in for an in person interview. We will then ask you questions like: "tell us about a time when you disagreed with your boss. How did you handle this situation?" and "Tell us about a time when you went above and beyond your normal job duties to exceed a customer's expectations." We might even bust out a: "What are your Strengths?" or "What are your weaknesses?" Followed by a: "What makes you a great fit for Unnamed Company?" Most of these questions can be found in "Interviews for Dummies" and are tired, old, and really don't tell us anything about you because everyone answers in the same fashion; HOWEVER, we will judge you based on your reply and then give you the "are you crazy" test. You will hear from us in 4-6 weeks.....presumably after you have either found another job, went back to your old employer, or are suffering from malnutrition as a result of living for a month and a half on crackers and generic peanut butter.)
If you share in our philosophies and are seeking a challenging and exciting opportunity with a growing organization, we invite you to learn more about us at www.itookouttherealcompanyname.com. (If you can pretend to drink the Kool-Aid and are ready to do the work that used to be the work of three people in a company where there are more VPs than there are bathrooms, please, for the love of GOD, visit our Web site)
COMPANY DESCRIPTION....as promised (Have I ever lied to you?)
This company, which shall remain nameless, is a growing firm (because we keep buying out our competitors) recognized as the nation’s leading Blah Blah Blah firm, based on revenue (we do collections). Headquartered in Some City in OH (where our sports teams suck and the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame isn't worth the price of admission unless you REALLY, REALLY are a Hendrix fan), Unnamed Company employs over XXXX employees (suckers) and operates a network of XX offices in X states. For more than XX years (Stroking our own ego now), we have been providing comprehensive creditor representation (collections) to financial institutions, lenders (unnescessary redundancy), servicers, manufacturers and service companies (corporate speak for "people who want their money") nationwide. Working for our clients, we offer expertise (Ego Stroke & Billy Squier Link) and solutions to their daily legal and debt recovery concerns (see...I told you....COLLECTIONS). We pride ourselves on delivering exceptional collections (finally, they admit it....nicely hidden in middle of word jumble) and real estate recovery services through partnerships based on integrity and respect for our clients, our employees, and the communities in which we service (MORE corporate speak). Unnamed Company has a humanistic philosophy (we have canned food drives) to debt recovery, striving to treat everyone in the same fashion and with the same respect that we provide to our employees and clients (corporate speak TRIFECTA) We are looking for quality professionals (people who can pass a drug test and have their own car). If you have a strong work ethic (you don't call in sick every Monday) and share in our philosophy (or at least can fake it like everyone else), we invite you (beg you) to consider (PLEASE?!?) employment at Unnamed Company.
Copyright (if you steal my work, I sue you) J.C. Gardiner (sometimes known as: Jeff, Backwards Jeff, BJ, Oompa, Dude, Duder, Guppy, Gupwik, Jeffro, Bilbo, Pumpkin, etc.) 11/3/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com (attempt to get you to email me your comments)
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263 (attempt to evaluate my self worth by the number of "followers" I have)
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff (attempt # 2 to evaluate my self worth by the number of "followers" I have)
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Are you still reading this?
Thursday, November 1, 2012
The Halloween App
I've always been a big chicken. Scared of my own shadow. I triple check the doors and windows. Sometimes, I carry pepper spray and/or a knife. When I was a child, I even used to sleep covered head to toe with a sleeping bag with only my mouth and nose visible (for oxygen purposes). I never watched horror movies....Hell, even the truck driver from Pee Wee's Big Adventure creeped me out. Nevertheless (favorite word), I have always been fond of the Halloween holiday.
Looking back at my childhood, I find this is peculiar, especially considering that I grew up less that a block away from, and played in, a 19th Century cemetery. In fact, many of the "residents" of the old bone yard carried the same surname as this blogger....minus the "i" present with my own. I even recall the creepiest of all epitaphs from one of the gravestones:
Halloween was always something I looked forward to. It was a time to pretend to be someone, or something, that we were not. It was a time to eat candy 'til we puked and not get into trouble. It was a time to be creative and enjoy the creativity of others.
I was always involved in some sort of Halloween shenanigans. My Boy Scout Troop (Troop # 23, Bromley, KY) put on a Haunted House fundraiser for several years. Last year I helped organize a murder mystery dinner at Bobby Mackey's for a non-profit group I worked with. Even Dawn and I were exchanged nuptials with a Halloween theme five years ago (maybe one day I will post pictures for all the blogisphere to see).
The last few years have been a total disappointment, to say the least. We live on a busy road in a fairly healthy and safe community, yet despite this fact, trick-or-treaters are scarce. It almost isn't worth the effort to decorate or give out candy. The children who are brave enough to venture out have lost all sense of creativity. In my humble opinion, wearing your favorite NBA player's jersey and shoes does not a costume make.
And don't EVEN get me started on cabbage night - perhaps otherwise known to some as Mischief Night, Devil's Night, Hell Night, Cabbage Night, Gate Night, Mizzy Night, Miggy Night, Goosing Night, and Egg Nyte. I doubt that anyone younger than 25 even knows that that means....without searching it on google or urbandictionary.com that is. When I was a tween - even before the word "tween" was invented - it was seen as a right of passage to the city limits with a bar of soap writing dirty words and drawing phallic shaped objects on the motor vehicles of my neighbors....some of whom would hide in the dark with a hose and unleash their own cabbage night entertainment on would be ne'er-do-wells.
My theory is that the kids today are too lazy to get out of the house. Sure, part of this is my generation's fault. Perhaps even the media is to blame. I think that we have become so paranoid with the predatory serial (not to be confused with "cereal" which is part of a well balanced breakfast) killers, that we barely let our kids fart without dialing 911. For their part, the kids seem all too happy with this fact, provided that will fill their faces with i-pods and facebook and text messages and all of the other assorted gadgets and social nonsense (I say that as if blogspot isn't just as bad).
This year, Dawn and I decided at the last minute to buy candy. Rather than handing it out, though, we stuck it in three bowls on the porch with a sign that read; "Take what you want, but not more than you need Halloween is for sharing with no room for greed."
After the festivities were over, we made our way to the porch to survey the damage. Much to my surprise, only about 1/3 of the five bags of candy we purchased had been taken. What kind of morally responsible BS is this?!? Is it truly possible that the kids (or kid) in my neighborhood felt socially responsible? Could it be that they thought of their fellow NBA player look-a-likes and put the extra pieces back? Or, is it that we bought crappy candy and they raided the bowls for the chocolate stuff and left the rest behind?
Maybe it was the note. Perhaps my language was a bit too "uncool" for the intended audience. Below, I have introduced a few ideas for next year's candy note (feel free to add or email me with your own):
-Taylor Swift used to want this candy, but not any more....let's sell 1.2 million albums this week about it
-@takethisdamncandy #PLEASE (this one is my favorite so far)
-Candy App: Download as much candy as you like for free
-Truth is? (this is free candy)
-OMG!! This candy, is like, so like, free and stuff for realz
-Forward this candy to 8 friends in 2 hours and something AMAZING will happen on the fourth day
-Text Me...KK
- :)
-4 out of 5 Kardashians would like you to take this candy
-Your is not You're is not UR
-I'm Backwards Jeff and I approved this candy
-*(just a picture of candy taking picture of itself in bathroom mirror)* -with or without and of the following; puckered lips, reverse peace sign, underdrawers showing, gang sign, abs, fake tatt, tilted head, hip-hop hat, spray on tan, distorted face (with phone app), extended arm, cleavage, better looking friend, exotic pet, feet on the beach, some words about your bff or favorite song, etc
Maybe the best idea is to just leave my contact information asking for trick-or-treaters to text or tweet me with their request. In return, I will reply with a picture of the candy that you aren't getting. >:(
Anyhoo.....that is just one guy's take on it.....reporting live for backwards jeff's blog, this is backwards jeff
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 10/31/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Looking back at my childhood, I find this is peculiar, especially considering that I grew up less that a block away from, and played in, a 19th Century cemetery. In fact, many of the "residents" of the old bone yard carried the same surname as this blogger....minus the "i" present with my own. I even recall the creepiest of all epitaphs from one of the gravestones:
Still sort of gives me the willies, but I digress.Remember friends as you pass by,As you are now, so once was I,As I am now, so you must be,Prepare for death and follow me.
Halloween was always something I looked forward to. It was a time to pretend to be someone, or something, that we were not. It was a time to eat candy 'til we puked and not get into trouble. It was a time to be creative and enjoy the creativity of others.
I was always involved in some sort of Halloween shenanigans. My Boy Scout Troop (Troop # 23, Bromley, KY) put on a Haunted House fundraiser for several years. Last year I helped organize a murder mystery dinner at Bobby Mackey's for a non-profit group I worked with. Even Dawn and I were exchanged nuptials with a Halloween theme five years ago (maybe one day I will post pictures for all the blogisphere to see).
The last few years have been a total disappointment, to say the least. We live on a busy road in a fairly healthy and safe community, yet despite this fact, trick-or-treaters are scarce. It almost isn't worth the effort to decorate or give out candy. The children who are brave enough to venture out have lost all sense of creativity. In my humble opinion, wearing your favorite NBA player's jersey and shoes does not a costume make.
And don't EVEN get me started on cabbage night - perhaps otherwise known to some as Mischief Night, Devil's Night, Hell Night, Cabbage Night, Gate Night, Mizzy Night, Miggy Night, Goosing Night, and Egg Nyte. I doubt that anyone younger than 25 even knows that that means....without searching it on google or urbandictionary.com that is. When I was a tween - even before the word "tween" was invented - it was seen as a right of passage to the city limits with a bar of soap writing dirty words and drawing phallic shaped objects on the motor vehicles of my neighbors....some of whom would hide in the dark with a hose and unleash their own cabbage night entertainment on would be ne'er-do-wells.
My theory is that the kids today are too lazy to get out of the house. Sure, part of this is my generation's fault. Perhaps even the media is to blame. I think that we have become so paranoid with the predatory serial (not to be confused with "cereal" which is part of a well balanced breakfast) killers, that we barely let our kids fart without dialing 911. For their part, the kids seem all too happy with this fact, provided that will fill their faces with i-pods and facebook and text messages and all of the other assorted gadgets and social nonsense (I say that as if blogspot isn't just as bad).
This year, Dawn and I decided at the last minute to buy candy. Rather than handing it out, though, we stuck it in three bowls on the porch with a sign that read; "Take what you want, but not more than you need Halloween is for sharing with no room for greed."
After the festivities were over, we made our way to the porch to survey the damage. Much to my surprise, only about 1/3 of the five bags of candy we purchased had been taken. What kind of morally responsible BS is this?!? Is it truly possible that the kids (or kid) in my neighborhood felt socially responsible? Could it be that they thought of their fellow NBA player look-a-likes and put the extra pieces back? Or, is it that we bought crappy candy and they raided the bowls for the chocolate stuff and left the rest behind?
Maybe it was the note. Perhaps my language was a bit too "uncool" for the intended audience. Below, I have introduced a few ideas for next year's candy note (feel free to add or email me with your own):
-Taylor Swift used to want this candy, but not any more....let's sell 1.2 million albums this week about it
-@takethisdamncandy #PLEASE (this one is my favorite so far)
-Candy App: Download as much candy as you like for free
-Truth is? (this is free candy)
-OMG!! This candy, is like, so like, free and stuff for realz
-Forward this candy to 8 friends in 2 hours and something AMAZING will happen on the fourth day
-Text Me...KK
- :)
-4 out of 5 Kardashians would like you to take this candy
-Your is not You're is not UR
-I'm Backwards Jeff and I approved this candy
-*(just a picture of candy taking picture of itself in bathroom mirror)* -with or without and of the following; puckered lips, reverse peace sign, underdrawers showing, gang sign, abs, fake tatt, tilted head, hip-hop hat, spray on tan, distorted face (with phone app), extended arm, cleavage, better looking friend, exotic pet, feet on the beach, some words about your bff or favorite song, etc
Maybe the best idea is to just leave my contact information asking for trick-or-treaters to text or tweet me with their request. In return, I will reply with a picture of the candy that you aren't getting. >:(
Anyhoo.....that is just one guy's take on it.....reporting live for backwards jeff's blog, this is backwards jeff
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 10/31/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Comair Obituary
Comair
Airlines, Inc. 35, of Erlanger, KY, passed away on Monday, October1,
2012. Comair was a juggernaut and trend setter in the airline industry,
having successfully introduced regional jets to a skeptical industry
dominated by its much larger counterparts. Comair leaves behind more than
26,000 Pilots, Flight Attendants, Maintenance and Customer Service
professionals, as well as hundreds of millions of satisfied passengers.
RIP Comair.
I would have gotten much more creative with this, but my current employer frowns upon getting too heavily involved in business discussions. Feel free to add to this if you want and/or post your condolences. : )
Copyright 2012 J.C. Gardiner
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
I would have gotten much more creative with this, but my current employer frowns upon getting too heavily involved in business discussions. Feel free to add to this if you want and/or post your condolences. : )
Copyright 2012 J.C. Gardiner
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Here is Honey Poo Poo
Dear Friends:
I don't normally take to the bloggisphere to complain. Generally, (not to be confused with the General Lee....which was simultaneously one of the most awesome, yet blatantly racist, TV relics of all time, but I digress) this space is reserved for silliness and general tomfoolery; however, there is something weighing heavily on me this evening. Something that I need to get off of my chest. That something, is my general disdain for the new TLC show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, AMERICA??!!
Is this seriously happening? Am I dreaming OR do we really live in a world where a seven year old who drinks a mixture of Red Bull and Mountain Dew (a drink supplied by her mother no less) is getting great ratings on TV?!? I am astonished, practically speechless, and befuddled.....(YES, even befuddled).
How is it that this kind of nonsense made it on the airwaves? The proposal for this show should have ended with the network executives using it for toilet paper and/or to light their expensive Cuban cigars.
Meanwhile, back at my secret hideout, I can't even snag the attention of an agent willing to work with me? Not that my work is perfect, but I feel as though my story about the lifelong relationship between a girl and her grandmother, beats the crap out of this disgusting piece of trash.
The popularity of this show shouldn't come as a complete surprise, I suppose. After all, we are the same people who have watched Dr. Phil, an overweight divorcee, provide relationship and dietary advice....right? We are also the same people who made Jerry Springer a star. (Jerry Springer once tried to pay a prostitute with a bad check)
I wonder, at times, whether it is even worth my time and energy to follow my dream and try to be a writer. I wonder whether I should share my work with a world who would prefer to watch a seven year old, and her pregnant teenaged sister, play a game where they attempt to guess who is standing in front of them, by smelling one another's breath.
Sooner or later Honey Boo Boo's heart will explode from all of the sugar, caffeine, and cholesterol she is consuming and that will be the tragic end to this gem. Until then, we will continue to rubberneck at this train wreck of a show, all the while fantasizing that our pathetic lives are not nearly as messed up as hers.
While I will argue until my last breath the need for freedom of speech, and support this shows right to be on television, I have to wonder if we are not allowing, or even championing, the "Wal-Marting of America." Watch if you will, but remember that your brain cells could be used for much greater purposes.
Honestly, I can't believe I just threw away a good hour or so of my time writing about this garbage. I am now ashamed of myself : (
That is all........Carry on!!
Peace on you,
ffeJ SdrawkcaB
p.s. If you would like to learn about something/someone truly worth knowing about, check out this young woman's story. Lydia's Story Not only was she kicked, beaten, raped, sprayed with bleach, then set on fire by a man who had killed before....NOT ONLY did she jump naked from a second story apartment, run to an ambulance, have a stroke....and TO THIS DAY still is relearning how to speak, BUT she stood face to face with her attacker in court and proceeded to forgive him, because, in her words, she chooses love and peace over fear!! I am not ashamed to admit this brought a tear to my eye when I first saw it. Bravo Lydia!!
Watch Lydia speak here: Live Your Days Inspired Anew (Lydia)
RIP Kenia Monge
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 8/22/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
I don't normally take to the bloggisphere to complain. Generally, (not to be confused with the General Lee....which was simultaneously one of the most awesome, yet blatantly racist, TV relics of all time, but I digress) this space is reserved for silliness and general tomfoolery; however, there is something weighing heavily on me this evening. Something that I need to get off of my chest. That something, is my general disdain for the new TLC show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, AMERICA??!!
Is this seriously happening? Am I dreaming OR do we really live in a world where a seven year old who drinks a mixture of Red Bull and Mountain Dew (a drink supplied by her mother no less) is getting great ratings on TV?!? I am astonished, practically speechless, and befuddled.....(YES, even befuddled).
How is it that this kind of nonsense made it on the airwaves? The proposal for this show should have ended with the network executives using it for toilet paper and/or to light their expensive Cuban cigars.
Meanwhile, back at my secret hideout, I can't even snag the attention of an agent willing to work with me? Not that my work is perfect, but I feel as though my story about the lifelong relationship between a girl and her grandmother, beats the crap out of this disgusting piece of trash.
The popularity of this show shouldn't come as a complete surprise, I suppose. After all, we are the same people who have watched Dr. Phil, an overweight divorcee, provide relationship and dietary advice....right? We are also the same people who made Jerry Springer a star. (Jerry Springer once tried to pay a prostitute with a bad check)
I wonder, at times, whether it is even worth my time and energy to follow my dream and try to be a writer. I wonder whether I should share my work with a world who would prefer to watch a seven year old, and her pregnant teenaged sister, play a game where they attempt to guess who is standing in front of them, by smelling one another's breath.
Sooner or later Honey Boo Boo's heart will explode from all of the sugar, caffeine, and cholesterol she is consuming and that will be the tragic end to this gem. Until then, we will continue to rubberneck at this train wreck of a show, all the while fantasizing that our pathetic lives are not nearly as messed up as hers.
While I will argue until my last breath the need for freedom of speech, and support this shows right to be on television, I have to wonder if we are not allowing, or even championing, the "Wal-Marting of America." Watch if you will, but remember that your brain cells could be used for much greater purposes.
Honestly, I can't believe I just threw away a good hour or so of my time writing about this garbage. I am now ashamed of myself : (
That is all........Carry on!!
Peace on you,
ffeJ SdrawkcaB
p.s. If you would like to learn about something/someone truly worth knowing about, check out this young woman's story. Lydia's Story Not only was she kicked, beaten, raped, sprayed with bleach, then set on fire by a man who had killed before....NOT ONLY did she jump naked from a second story apartment, run to an ambulance, have a stroke....and TO THIS DAY still is relearning how to speak, BUT she stood face to face with her attacker in court and proceeded to forgive him, because, in her words, she chooses love and peace over fear!! I am not ashamed to admit this brought a tear to my eye when I first saw it. Bravo Lydia!!
Watch Lydia speak here: Live Your Days Inspired Anew (Lydia)
RIP Kenia Monge
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 8/22/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I hate Q!
Startled from my weekend slumber, I found myself in a bit of a quandary. How is it that the letter Q is so easy to say, but so hard to use in a word? This is the question I pondered.
You would suspect that a one syllable letter would be more useful in the English language. Think again my friend!!
For your viewing pleasures, I have compiled a list of reasons why I hate Q.
I suppose it's not all bad. There are a few things, throughout history, that Q has done to earn a place in the alphabet. Q is royalty.....and in more ways than one.
NOTE: This is the kind of crap I wake up thinking about after my four year old nephew makes me watch Leap Frog Alphabet DVDs.
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 8/22/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
You would suspect that a one syllable letter would be more useful in the English language. Think again my friend!!
For your viewing pleasures, I have compiled a list of reasons why I hate Q.
- 99.9% of words that include the letter Q also reQuire a letter U. Q can't just go it alone. In my repertoire, one of the few Q words that does not include a U is "Qi." To be fair, I only know the word Qi because it works in Words with Friends.
- Capital Q looks like an unfinished gender symbol. I think Prince once considered changing his name to Q, but thought better of it.
- And what about cursive capital Q?!?!. It looks like the number two. What are you, damn Q, a number or a letter?!? (See Image)
- Even little Q is just a little G wanna be.
- Q is responsible for the pop Quiz.
- My last speeding ticket was thanks, in part, to the police Quota.
- Plain and simply, Q is a QUITTER!!!!
 |
| Cursive Q or Number 2 ?!? |
I suppose it's not all bad. There are a few things, throughout history, that Q has done to earn a place in the alphabet. Q is royalty.....and in more ways than one.
- In literal terms, Q is the Queen, ruling all the land.
- Q is also Rock 'n' Roll royalty: The Sex Pistols offered "God Save the Queen" and the band "Queen" not only brought you classics, such as; "Fat Bottom Girls" and "We Will Rock You," but also made it OK for hairy chested men to wear a unitard on stage.
- Thanks to the word Quotation, Q has it's own "hand signal." Often "air Quotes" are used by the Quick-witted and Quirky blog author....and even made an "appearance" in an episode of "Friends."
- Quoth the Raven Nevermore.
- U opens Umbrellas in the hoUse.
- U will try to hook Up with yoUr girlfriend of foUr years.
- U knows how mUch wood a wood chUck woUld chUck if a wood chUck coUld chUck wood.
- U pUkes all over yoUr new PUmas after an UnsUccessfUl attempt to defeat the 72 oUncer.
- U borrows your trUck to move a coUch and brings it back with no fUel, reaking of bUrrito farts.
- U gets drUnk and spends time in the coUnty lock Up after being haUled in for pUblic Urination.
- U Uses the last of the Charmin Ultra toilet paper (with aloe) and leaves the empty tUbe.
- U doesn't flUsh.
- U passed oUt in yoUr bath tUb wearing yoUr Incredible HUlk Underpants as a shower cap.
- U wakes Up, sratches his bUtt, bUrps, brUshes his mUllet, then eats all of the LUcky Charms.....they're magically delicioUs.
- U doesn't give a flying FU&#!!!!
- U knocked Up yoUr yoUnger sister, then makes yoU an Usher at their shotgUn wedding.
- U now carves the Thanksgiving tUrkey at yoUr parents hoUse.
- When yoUr mother tUrns her back, U gives you a pUrple nUrple then pokes yoU in the gUt like the PillsbUry DoUghboy.
- YoU are the one who gets in troUble after letting loose a string of cUss words that woUld make Larry Flint blUsh.
- Later, U gradUates SUma CUm LaUde from NYU and cUrrently is the Director of SUper Bowl PUblicity for BUdweiser. U drives a JagUar.
- U didn't even offer yoU tickets to the game.
- U is Unapologetic,
- Despite it all, yoUr mother still woUld like yoU to be more like U.
NOTE: This is the kind of crap I wake up thinking about after my four year old nephew makes me watch Leap Frog Alphabet DVDs.
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 8/22/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Sunday, July 29, 2012
210 (the reason(s) I have been quiet)
While submitting my manuscript for Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop, I came across some interesting advice from one agent. She said, that if you expected to be successful as an author, you'd better read, A LOT, in the genre you want to write in. Specifically, she proposed the number 200 for Children's books.
Admittedly, I almost choked when I thought about how long it might take me to get through that many books. I didn't even know if there were 200 Children's books worth reading. Mostly, though, I really didn't want to spend that amount of time away from writing, either the blog, or my next try at a book.I finally came to the conclusion that I did, indeed, need to find out more about the business, starting with reading at least 200 books.
So In January, of this year, I walked myself right into the Kenton County Public Library (KCL) in Erlanger, KY. I used to love going to the library when I was still in school. It always felt like I was swimming in knowledge and history. In recent times, however, I had gotten away from the habit and had not been in quite a few years. I know this doesn't seem like a huge deal to some, but to me, it's a pretty big accomplishment.
With some help from a Librarian friend (thank you Denise V.) who recommended some great authors, I was able to discover that this IS what I wanted to do. It became pretty clear, fairly quickly, that not all Children's books were boring, or rhyme, or are counting/alphabet books. The good news, for me at least, was that I could write in this genre and still be my same silly self.
So, six months (nearly to the day) after I set the goal to read 200+ Children's books, I achieved success today. I had actually set my goal slightly higher at 210, because I liked that number better. The time frame wasn't as important as the number, although, I thought it would take about three times as long. I even kept a data base, complete with links to the publisher's Web sites.
I still plan to continue my reading and research, but I think my friends at the KCL drive-thru will be much happier to see me from now on. After all, 15 books is a lot to carry from the customer holding area to the window. I imagine that the people waiting behind me will also be much happier as well.
There are some AMAZINGLY talented authors. I truly enjoyed reading their work. I hope to, one day, earn that same kind of respect and admiration from a up and coming writer.
My favorites?
AUTHORS (just to name a few):
-Doreen Cronin
-Mo Willems
-Karma Wilson
-Nick Bruel
-Lane Smith
-Karen Kaufman-Orloff
-Keiko Kasza
-Anna Dewdney
-Mary Jane Auch
-Tammi Sauer
-Kelly DiPucchio
-Marilyn Sadler (who was # 200 and, by total chance, is from the same Greater Cincinnati area I reside in)
-Kara LaReau
-Dav Pilkey
-David Shannon
BOOKS/STORIES?
-Click Clack Moo
-Walter the Farting Dog (there are 5 books in the series)
-Zombie in Love
-It's a Book
-Bad Kitty
-Diary of a Worm
-Diary of a Spider
-The Plot Chickens
-I Wanna Iguana
-Pass It On!
-Don't Let Pigeon Drive the Bus! (Pigeon books are hilarious....the pigeon is even on twitter)
-Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale
-Animal Strike at the Zoo
-Duck for President
-Badgers Fancy Meal
-Llama Llama Red Pajama
-The Cow Loves Cookies
-Me Want Pet
-David Gets in Trouble
Copyright 2012 J.C. Gardiner
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Admittedly, I almost choked when I thought about how long it might take me to get through that many books. I didn't even know if there were 200 Children's books worth reading. Mostly, though, I really didn't want to spend that amount of time away from writing, either the blog, or my next try at a book.I finally came to the conclusion that I did, indeed, need to find out more about the business, starting with reading at least 200 books.
So In January, of this year, I walked myself right into the Kenton County Public Library (KCL) in Erlanger, KY. I used to love going to the library when I was still in school. It always felt like I was swimming in knowledge and history. In recent times, however, I had gotten away from the habit and had not been in quite a few years. I know this doesn't seem like a huge deal to some, but to me, it's a pretty big accomplishment.
With some help from a Librarian friend (thank you Denise V.) who recommended some great authors, I was able to discover that this IS what I wanted to do. It became pretty clear, fairly quickly, that not all Children's books were boring, or rhyme, or are counting/alphabet books. The good news, for me at least, was that I could write in this genre and still be my same silly self.
So, six months (nearly to the day) after I set the goal to read 200+ Children's books, I achieved success today. I had actually set my goal slightly higher at 210, because I liked that number better. The time frame wasn't as important as the number, although, I thought it would take about three times as long. I even kept a data base, complete with links to the publisher's Web sites.
I still plan to continue my reading and research, but I think my friends at the KCL drive-thru will be much happier to see me from now on. After all, 15 books is a lot to carry from the customer holding area to the window. I imagine that the people waiting behind me will also be much happier as well.
There are some AMAZINGLY talented authors. I truly enjoyed reading their work. I hope to, one day, earn that same kind of respect and admiration from a up and coming writer.
My favorites?
AUTHORS (just to name a few):
-Doreen Cronin
-Mo Willems
-Karma Wilson
-Nick Bruel
-Lane Smith
-Karen Kaufman-Orloff
-Keiko Kasza
-Anna Dewdney
-Mary Jane Auch
-Tammi Sauer
-Kelly DiPucchio
-Marilyn Sadler (who was # 200 and, by total chance, is from the same Greater Cincinnati area I reside in)
-Kara LaReau
-Dav Pilkey
-David Shannon
BOOKS/STORIES?
-Click Clack Moo
-Walter the Farting Dog (there are 5 books in the series)
-Zombie in Love
-It's a Book
-Bad Kitty
-Diary of a Worm
-Diary of a Spider
-The Plot Chickens
-I Wanna Iguana
-Pass It On!
-Don't Let Pigeon Drive the Bus! (Pigeon books are hilarious....the pigeon is even on twitter)
-Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale
-Animal Strike at the Zoo
-Duck for President
-Badgers Fancy Meal
-Llama Llama Red Pajama
-The Cow Loves Cookies
-Me Want Pet
-David Gets in Trouble
Copyright 2012 J.C. Gardiner
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Imagination is More Important than Vocabulary
Albert Einstein said - “Imagination is more important than
knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand,
while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be
to know and understand.”
One of the most inspiring things I have ever heard. Especially when taking into consideration the man who spoke the words. This phrase - the first sentence of it anyway - I first saw on a poster in college. It stopped me dead in my tracks. These were the words I had been unknowingly searching for to this point of my life. I don't recall my reaction, but it's been more than a decade, and this quote still makes me stop and think every time I hear it or read it.
This one sentence - six words - has inspired me for many years to think beyond what I know, or at least believe, is real and examine everything with a curious eye. In literal terms, I still see the same things others do, just with a slight twist sometimes. Some might call me warped or demented. I prefer to believe that I just think differently, or outside of the box if you will.
"What's your point, Jeff," you ask? Good question.
One thing I have learned recently is that, for me at least, imagination is more important than many things. In the context of this blog, I wanted to bring up something that has been bothering me for quite some time. My personal belief that Imagination is More Important than Vocabulary.
I have found this to be true for my style of writing. I write to see the emotion in the faces of those who read my words. It may be a smile. I hope it's uncontrollable laughter. Perhaps even to remind them of the things or people who have made a difference in their lives, and encourage them to never give up on their dreams.
I have a dictionary. I have a Thesaurus. I have a copy of the AP Style Book. I even have a rhyming dictionary. I could dazzle you would words that would baffle even the fine folks at Merriam-Webster. I choose not to.
Did you know that the average American adult reads on an 8th or 9th grade level? Why would anyone, myself included, want to read a story where we would have to Google search every other word in order to understand what is happening?
Maybe I will never be a New York Times Best Selling Author, I may never even get published. One thing I know fore sure, however, is that I can stir emotion in people if I can place my words in the proper order and use good timing to catch them off guard.
To put it another way, if I were a painter, I could buy all of the best brushes and every paint color known to man, but if I didn't know how to manipulate the colors on the canvas, can I really call myself an artist? Think about it.
This one sentence - six words - has inspired me for many years to think beyond what I know, or at least believe, is real and examine everything with a curious eye. In literal terms, I still see the same things others do, just with a slight twist sometimes. Some might call me warped or demented. I prefer to believe that I just think differently, or outside of the box if you will.
"What's your point, Jeff," you ask? Good question.
One thing I have learned recently is that, for me at least, imagination is more important than many things. In the context of this blog, I wanted to bring up something that has been bothering me for quite some time. My personal belief that Imagination is More Important than Vocabulary.
I have found this to be true for my style of writing. I write to see the emotion in the faces of those who read my words. It may be a smile. I hope it's uncontrollable laughter. Perhaps even to remind them of the things or people who have made a difference in their lives, and encourage them to never give up on their dreams.
I have a dictionary. I have a Thesaurus. I have a copy of the AP Style Book. I even have a rhyming dictionary. I could dazzle you would words that would baffle even the fine folks at Merriam-Webster. I choose not to.
Did you know that the average American adult reads on an 8th or 9th grade level? Why would anyone, myself included, want to read a story where we would have to Google search every other word in order to understand what is happening?
Maybe I will never be a New York Times Best Selling Author, I may never even get published. One thing I know fore sure, however, is that I can stir emotion in people if I can place my words in the proper order and use good timing to catch them off guard.
To put it another way, if I were a painter, I could buy all of the best brushes and every paint color known to man, but if I didn't know how to manipulate the colors on the canvas, can I really call myself an artist? Think about it.
Copyright 2012 J.C. Gardiner
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Friday, April 13, 2012
Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop (The Story)
Poop Spelled Backwards is Poop
By: Jeff Gardiner
Part I
Her palms became
sweaty, Her heartbeat was steady
Living blessings far
as eyes could see
It was hard to believe
that on this, Christmas Eve
She’d soon become
“Grandma Marie.”
Every Minute felt like
an hour long
Time was slowly
ticking away
When out of thin air
her eldest declared;
“It’s a girl! She’ll be called Maddy Mae!”
As you might surmise,
it was no surprise
When she and Maddy
became closest friends
They’d watch cartoons,
take a cat nap at Noon,
And talk till daylight
came to an end.
Maddy learned much,
about manners and such
Even that colds could
be healed with hot soup
But what stuck in her
mind, which is funny, you’ll find
Was that “Poop spelled
backwards is poop!”
“Learn from your
past.” Was the lesson taught last.
And “never give up in
the fight.”
“There will be
struggles at times. This I know for a
fact.
In the end we’re all
better despite.”
Part II
Soon came a day Maddy
heard her mom say
“I understand;” As she
hung up the phone
It didn’t take long to
know something was wrong
She could tell from
her mother’s tone.
With a look so sincere
mommy spoke through her tears
In a voice with a notable
shake
“We’ve worked so hard
for all these years,
Why can’t WE ever
catch a break?!?
“Recession, recession
you’ve taught us your lesson
How have I been such a
fool?”
This confused Maddy
lots ‘cause SHE’D always thought
That recess was the
BEST part of school.
Having heard enough
gloom Maddy skipped to her room
In typical Maddy Mae
style.
She flopped on her bed
with her hands on her head
Determined to make her
mom smile.
Then with a quick
burst Maddy sprung from her perch.
“I’ve got an idea!”
She exclaimed.
She flew past her mom,
grabbed a pen and a pad
And was gone as quick
as she came.
Back to her bed, this
time lying instead
She began writing her
Mommy a note
Maddy chuckled and
snorted as she scribbled her words
And this is what she
wrote:
“Mommy, I love you! I
always will!
More than dolphins
love jumping through hoops!
Grandma Marie says
it’s so. I thought you’d like to know
That poop spelled
backwards is poop!”
With excited feet
Maddy jumped down from her seat
To show her Mommy what
she had done.
It was certain in the
battle of Mom vs. Sad
Maddy Mae had
undoubtedly won.
Still as a stone,
writing a note of her own
Tear stained and with
trembling hands.
Asked what made her so
blue, her Mom softly replied;
“My dear, I’m afraid
you won’t understand.”
“Try me!” She said
plopping down on a chair.
“You might be
surprised what I’ve learned.”
Then she rolled up her
sleeves, put her chin in her hand
And listened with
utmost concern.
“Maddy, you’ve won my
heart, now my trust as well
So I’ll share what has
happened today.
Grandma Marie has been
ill for a while
And I worry she may
soon pass away!
Your Father has been
working his job so hard
I know this was his
biggest fear.
He wanted to spend
more time with HIS Mom.
This is the last thing
he’ll want to hear.”
Maddy unfolded the
note. With a lump in her throat
She said “I wrote this
especially for you.”
“I was hoping to see
you happy again
Maybe I should write
one for Daddy too!”
Tears of sorrow turned
to laughter and joy
When her Mom read what
Maddy had penned
“I’m so glad you’re
here ‘cause it’s abundantly clear
That you my child, are
a true Godsend.”
With amazement and
pride her mom grinned wide
At this angel wise
beyond her age of nine.
“Writing Daddy a note
is a wonderful idea.
When you’re finished
you can help me with mine!”
Out of nowhere Maddy
leapt from her chair
And flashed through
the house like a light
Tapping her pen on her
pad she thought of her Dad
Then feverishly began
to write.
“Daddy, I love you! I
always will!
More than ice cream
with more than one scoop!
I don’t know if you
know that I know it is so,
That Poop spelled
backwards is Poop!”
Part
III
Much time had gone by
and her mom wondered why
Maddy hadn’t emerged
from her chore
“Writers block perhaps
or an afternoon nap”
She wondered as she
opened the door.
What a sight for sore
eyes, and a pleasant surprise
For which Maddy’s Mom
wasn’t prepared
Calm as a tree and on
bended knees
Maddy Mae’s hands were
folded in prayer
“Hello God! I hope you
are well.
It’s your friend Maddy
Mae checking in.
So much has happened
since the last time we spoke
I’m not really sure
where to begin.”
“I’m so sorry it’s
late, but I appreciate
All of the wonderful
things that you do
But as you probably
know, it’s normally so
That I’ll need from
you a favor or two.”
“I know that money
doesn’t grow on trees
But it’s harder to
save than I thought.
And I’m not really
sure who this “Bill” person is,
But we obviously owe
him a lot!”
“So, if need be I will
happily
Take my piggy bank
down from its shelf.
And though I’m not
quite ten I could also chip in
By getting a part time
job for myself.”
“Last but not least
there’s my Grandma Marie
Who has taken a turn
for the worst.
To know her I’ve been
blessed. So my only request,
Is above all else you
watch over her first.”
Then with an Amen
Maddy opened her eyes
To an audience with
tear soaked cheeks.
Fully immersed in the
devotional verse
Stood her mother unable
to speak.
Not saying a word
Maddy strode ‘cross the room
A determined look on
her face.
She grasped her Mom’s
hands, pulled her down to her size
And offered a loving
embrace.
The day couldn’t have
been better. She helped Mom with her
letter
Which included a Maddy
Mae poem.
They marked “special
delivery for Grandma Marie”
And would visit when
daddy got home.
Hours went by next to
Grandma Marie’s side
Until visiting time
ceased for the night.
The three implored as
they reached for the door
For Grandma to hang on
with all of her might.
Grandma Marie smiled
foreknowingly
Then asked to speak
with her Granddaughter alone.
She brushed the hair
from Maddy’s face
And said, “My child
how quickly you’ve grown.”
“You remind me of
myself when I was a girl,”
Her Grandma Marie
continued on.
“I’m not done fighting
yet, but you’d better bet
That I’ll be with you
even after I’m gone.
Part V
Fifteen years had
passed since Grandma Marie’s last
Maddy recalled
pleasant thoughts in her head.
Time surely had flew,
but she had so much to do
For in a few hours she
and Danny would be wed.
For this bride to be
it was a guarantee,
As undeniable was her
love
On her special day she
KNEW Grandma Marie
Watched over her from
above.
When the service was
drawing to a close
Danny gazed into Maddy
Mae’s eyes
“I hope you’re not
mad, but your Mom and your Dad
Helped me prepare a
special surprise.”
Danny reached inside
the pocket
Of his rented tuxedo
coat,
He unfolded his vows,
wiped the sweat from his brow
Turned to Maddy and
cleared his throat.
“Maddy I love you!!
Forever I will!!
You make my heart go
loop-di-loop!
No matter how old we
grow, it will always be so
That Poop spelled
backwards is Poop!!”
The Church fell silent
for a moment
You could have heard a
termite sneeze
All seemed bleak ‘til
Danny kissed her cheek
And said “Maddy say
something, please!!”
Briefly she appeared to
be motionless
Then her eyes began to
search
Their guests all
glanced like she were in her underpants,
Alone at the front of
the church.
The first sound to
emerge was a giggle
She tried to bottle
her emotions inside
But the next thing she
knew all the guests giggled too
And before long she
laughed until she cried.
The Bride and Groom smiled
as they rushed down the aisle
Giving high fives
along the way.
Abruptly they stopped
before leaving the church,
Maddy spun and
proclaimed “I’ve got something important to say”.
“Life is hard, at
times even unfair
But the key to a
happily ever after
Is to pray like you
mean it, love your family and friends
And save room in your
heart for laughter.”
“And one final
thought. Something Grandma Marie
taught.”
Maddy paused and
looked over the group
“If you take one thing
away, from our special day,
Remember that Poop
spelled backwards is poop!!!”
Copyright November 2,
2011
(Registration # TXu 1-776-875)
Copyright meaning I can sue if you steal this : )
For Dawn and Jordan +
Mom and Dad
Copyright 2012 J.C. Gardiner
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Copyright 2012 J.C. Gardiner
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Top 10 Reasons to Like/Dislike Canada
This is a quick one....only posting it because, counting the three drafts I have, there were a total of 18 posts. And I have some sort of weird phobia (not in my phobias post from earlier) about the # 18....don't judge me!!
LIKES
10. James Naismith is Canadian. He invented basketball.
9. Ryan Reynolds is from Canada....
8. as is Michael J. Fox
7. About 9% of the worlds renewable water supply is controlled by Canada.
6. Canadian beer has more alcohol.
5. Hockey, at least the modern version, was created in Canada.
4. There is a huge population of bears.
3. They pretty much let us have Alaska.
2. Did I mention Hockey?
1. They put up with all kinds of crap from their noisy neighbors to the South.
DISLIKES
10. It's cold up in that joint.
9. They say "eh" too much.
8. Uh..........Nickelback is Canadian.
7. Their dollars aren't all the same color........
6. but their dimes are the same basic size and shape as an American dime and STILL won't work in a vending machine.
5. How can such a peaceful country have invented a violent sport like hockey?
4. They chose the Beaver as their national icon....Over the Grizzly Bear? Really?
3. I don't speak French.
2. Canadian Bacon is just weird.
1. They have yet to visit my blog according to my stats.
I'd say it's pretty much a draw.
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/26/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
LIKES
10. James Naismith is Canadian. He invented basketball.
9. Ryan Reynolds is from Canada....
8. as is Michael J. Fox
7. About 9% of the worlds renewable water supply is controlled by Canada.
6. Canadian beer has more alcohol.
5. Hockey, at least the modern version, was created in Canada.
4. There is a huge population of bears.
3. They pretty much let us have Alaska.
2. Did I mention Hockey?
1. They put up with all kinds of crap from their noisy neighbors to the South.
DISLIKES
10. It's cold up in that joint.
9. They say "eh" too much.
8. Uh..........Nickelback is Canadian.
7. Their dollars aren't all the same color........
6. but their dimes are the same basic size and shape as an American dime and STILL won't work in a vending machine.
5. How can such a peaceful country have invented a violent sport like hockey?
4. They chose the Beaver as their national icon....Over the Grizzly Bear? Really?
3. I don't speak French.
2. Canadian Bacon is just weird.
1. They have yet to visit my blog according to my stats.
I'd say it's pretty much a draw.
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/26/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Newly Discovered Phobias
My fears of heights and flying are fairly well chronicled. Most of the undiagnosed anxiety issues I suffer from, however, are not. That being said, this post is meant to entertain and not intended to make light of real fears.
So grab your teddy bear, or your lucky rabbit's foot, and have your mommy look under your bed as I reveal a list of newly discovered things to be concerned about.
The list is not all inclusive. I'm certain that many more pages could be filled. Regrettably someone else was in need of the computer.....so I published.
The list is not all inclusive. I'm certain that many more pages could be filled. Regrettably someone else was in need of the computer.....so I published.
If you take nothing else away from this post at least check out the link to Pillsbury's web site at the very end....in a word ......awesomeness.
There are some fairly simple phobias that don't require much explanation:
Kobia - Fear of arrogant, pompous ass NBA stars who cheat on their wives.
Earlobeia - Fear of Mike Tyson's teeth. (sometimes called VanGoghbia)
Strobia - Fear of rapidly flashing lights and/or RAVE parties.
Rowrowrowbia - Fear of crappy old nursery rhymes.
Heigh-hobia - Fear of going off to work.
Adobia - Fear of PDF files.
GoldenGlobia - Fear of Hollywood hyped award ceremonies.
Sayitain'tsobia - Fear of music by Weezer .
Nairobia - Fear of the capital of Kenya.
Michelangelobia - Fear of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles....in particular the one known as a "party dude."
Mobia - Fear of Captain Ahab (known in some parts of the world as Thar'sheblowbia).
Flowbeea - Fear of vacuum attached hair trimming accessories....as seen on TV.
Some phobias even sound very similar in nature, but certainly are not:.
Rastaphobia - Fear of Jamaicans, steel drums, tie dye, and Bob Marley.
Pastaphobia - Fear of spaghetti, linguini, bow ties, al dente etc.
Rastapastaphobia - Come on....did you really think there was such a thing as rastapastaphobia?!?
Infobia - Fear of dialing 411.
Nymphobia - I'm not going to explain this one....if you don't know "google" it (with your parents permission).
There are more complex phobias that are, at times, confused with the more widely recognized and accepted phobias. For example:
Claustrophobia is well known as the fear of small or confined spaces. SantaClaustrophobia is something entirely different and usually is referred to by it's other name....which I cover later in this post.
Myrmecophobia, the fear of ants, is sometimes mistaken for fear of my mom's sister, crazyauntfranobia.
Astraphobia, the fear of thunder and lightning has, on occasion, been erroneously called Astrophobia, which would be the fear of George Jetson's dog (aka Rastrophobia).
Selacophobia is the fear of sharks, but in France this is better known as JacquesCousteaubia.
Agoraphobia, the fear of open spaces or of being in crowds, is pretty common. While AlGoreaphobia, or the fear of politicians who claim to have invented the internet, is not as well known. In addition, TipperGoreaphobia, is close in nature to AlGoreaphobia, but deals primarily in the censorship of music and parental advisory labels. Dee Snider of Twisted Sister and Jello Biafra, former front man of the Dead Kennedys, are known to have suffered from TipperGoreaphobia.
Ophidiophobia is the fear of snakes, but sounds a lot like Oldvideophobia, which would be the fear of bad 80's music videos on MTV like Turning Japanese by The Vapors
Trypanophobia is the fear of injections. Tryptophanophobia is the fear of Thanksgiving Dinner.
Arachnephobia, of course, is the fear of spiders. Which closely matches the name most frequently associated with the fear of male chauvinists who don't know how to compliment a woman, NiceRacknephobia.
Finally I present to you a few phobias that, some might say are borderline absurd. These will likely result in a lot of head shaking on the part of my mother and father (this is where I shine):
Cooliobia - Fear of a slide slide slippity-slide with switches on the block in a '65.
TimTebowbia - Fear of the media exploiting a news story and beating it into the ground.
LetitsnowLetitsnowLetitsnowbia - Fear of Christmas carols.
HomeDepotbia - Fear of doing it yourself.
DrivingTooSlowbia - Fear of getting stuck behind church, or Golden Corral, traffic.
EdgarAllenPoebia - Fear of nevermore. (Quoth the Raven)
Don't-tase-me-brobia - Fear of electric shock at the hands of The University of Florida Police (particularly during political speaking engagements).
InspectorClouseaubia - Fear of the Pink Panther.
It'stheendoftheworldasweknowbia - Fear of REM songs - for most people, although afflicted with this condition, you feel fine.
LakeOkeechobeea - Fears of large Floridian bodies of water.
HoHoHobia - Fear of Santa Claus (told you it had a different name).....also may be applicable to the Jolly Green Giant of vegetable fame.
Two-turn-tables-and-a-microphobia - Fear of where its at!!!
LarryCurlyandMoebia - Fear of stooges.
Did-you-ever-know-that-you're-my-herobia - Fear of wind beneath your wings.....and Bette Midler.
Qdobia - Fear of burritos made "Subway Style." In downtown Cincinnati this may also be referred to as BurritoJoebia (that one's for my wife...Dawn Marie).
Analprobia - Fear of abduction and "inspection" by aliens.
Cameltoebia -Fear of pants that are too snug in the "midsection."
She-hit-the-flo'bia - Fear of "Shorty Gettin' Low."(bia)
Pillsburydoughbia - Fear of iconic advertising mascots. Dancing Doughboy....Seriously....Click Here
If you enjoy what you see here please leave me a comment, share on social network sites or send me an e-mail to backwardsjeff@gmail.com
Copyright J.C. Gardiner 2/26/2012
backwardsjeff@gmail.com
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
FB - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Backwards-Jeff/122548301200263
Twitter - @BackwardsJeff
Twitter #2 - DearCrabby (aka @JeffroGardiner)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)